You're lost in the desert, dehyrating and hallucinating from thirst. Suddenly three beings appear: a perfectly in-tune fretless bassist; a struggling, out-of-tune fretless bassist; and a 6-foot tall pink rabbit. Each of them tells you a different direction to go to reach safety. Which one do you believe?

The struggling, out-of tune fretless bassist -- because the other two are obviously figments of your imagination.

Q
Why are all players in a jazz band friendy with the double bassist ?


A
He's the guy with the car.

Q:
How can you tell if a guitarist is at your front door?
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A:
He/She is carrying a Pizza

Q:
How can you tell if a drummer is at your door?
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A:
The knocking keeps getting faster and louder.

I got a million of 'em bit I'll stop here

Q:
How can you tell if the stage is level...??
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A:
The bass player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

Jim

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
.
.
.
5..1 to screw it in and 4 to stand around and say "That was pretty good, but I could do it better."

------------------
Paul

Q:
How can you tell the Bassist wrote the Set List?
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*
*
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*
A:
Words are spelled wrong and theres drool on the paper

A man gets stranded on an island, after much trouble he is able to understand the nataives language....once he can comunicate with them he asks something that's been bothering him since he got there...."what is with the loud drumming?" the native replied "drums must never stop"......he dosen't think much of it......about 3 days later the drums stop and the natives all panic.....in the frenzy he manages to stop one of the natives and asks "why is it so bad when the drums stop"........"because, drums stop BASS solo begins"

------------------
Mike Linkletter
SOLE SURVIVOR

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just 1. He holds it while the rest of the world turns around him.

Dave

Theres this cruise ship bobbing about in the Atlantic late at night.Down in the ships ballroom the resident magician is giving a show.Suddenly the ship hits in iceberg and sinks rapidly.Struggling to the surface the magician spots a double bass from the ships band floating in the water.He swims over to it and climbs on board.After a couple of minutes he notices that he's not alone.
Sitting on the headstock of the bass is the ships parrot.
"Well at least I have Company" he thinks to himself,and tries to strike up a conversation with the bird.
After a couple of hours of "Who's a pretty boy then?...etc etc" he gives up, as there is no response from the parrot whatsoever.
After a couple of hours the parrot suddenly ruffles its feathers,looks the magician squarely in the eye and says: "Ok....I give up...what did you do with the ship?"......

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

The History of the Bass - The Life and Art of Bass Playing
by Tony Levin

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." And it was so.


I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE NOW.
PEACE!!
bssclf


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OH..WHAT THE HAY..HOPE YOU DON'T MIND!!

Murderers of Art
an artistic statement
A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break into the big time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single record company in the country, and no one seems to recognize his unique genius other than his Mom.

So he decides to top himself and dreams up an ingenious plan to get back at all the institutions who've rejected him all his life. He goes into a recording studio and tells the engineer to record exactly what he says, then copy it onto 1000 CDs and send them out to all the record execs in the country.

He goes into the vocal booth, the red light goes on, and he begins; "This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless bastards who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you wankers do is bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well, I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU who've driven me to it!!! Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!"

With that, he pulled out a gun and sprayed his brains all over the studio wall. The sound engineer glanced up and said "...yep, ...okay... that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"

http://talkbass.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif

Did you hear the one about a Bassist and drummer who spent there whole life together? oh yea, from grade school to 80 years old, they were together, every date, every gig, every minute of the day. Now at 80 years old the drummers health is starting to get to him so he tells the bassist he can't take it anymore, he is going to go to the tallest bridge in town and jump off and end it all. The bassist looks at him, and knows they have done everything together, so he decides to jump also. So they're up on the bridge and both of them jump off at the Exact momment, together , and all you hear at the bottom is................................................ .................................................. .................................................. .............................. ..........PLOP.......PLOP! (COME TO YOUR ON CONCLUSION?)

this happened yesterday... My band was playing at a concert in the school and our teacher tells us:

"you Instrument players add more to the volume and you(talks to the drummer) play a little louder"

http://talkbass.com/ubb/smile.gif

GREAT JOKE!!:

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"

"Bass solo."


ROFLMAO(Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off)

DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!!

I hadn´t read all the jokes.... but i guess I should have!!! sorry ppl... didn´t notice that the same joke has been submitted before...

DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!! DOH!!!

I hadn´t read all the jokes.... but i guess I should have!!! sorry ppl... didn´t notice that the same joke has been submitted before...

A big band goes into the recording studio and after several takes the bandleader looks at the drummer and says, "This time, could we pay attention to the dynamics?". The drummer replys, "What do you want? I'm playing as loud as I can!"

What do a chic singer and an underwater demolition team have in common?

They're both great at blowing bridges.

This is true story! I heard it from this drummer.
His band was in gig and after soundcheck the owner said to them ´´Okay musicans, you can come to drink cafe. You can come also drummer!´´

There are three types of singers:

1. Some have nice voices, but are bad musicians.

2. Some are good musicians, but have bad voices.

3. Some are bad musicians... and have bad voices.

lol, this post doesnt get enough respect.

Q) Why do drummers put their sticks on the dashboard when they drive?

A) So they can get disabled parking

This band was rocking out at a really cool
club in LA. The band was hot! They think they see a William Morris agent in the back of the room. As they play the guitarist thinks to himself, "This is great. I'm going to be famous and all the girls will love me." The keyboardist thinks "It's about time someone discovered me. Now people all over the world will know and love my music." The drummer thinks "Wow! Cool! I'm going to be rich and I'll be able to buy lots and lots of stuff." The bass player thinks "G - D - C - G".

A drummer and a drunk walk into a bar. The drunk didn't have any money either.

------------------
"I'm trying to maintain my
sanity right now...your head is
turning into a giant gum ball.

Bassist = autist

What's the difference between a violin concerto and a catfight?


The cat's are in tune.

Okay, for my Jazz band at school, my friend (he shall remain nameless) and I were in the band room practicing, he witha sax and I with my bass. He had seen me play for several months, and was starting to want tio move in that direction. He asked if he could try somthing he had seen done by a professional player, something off of MTV. He picks up my bass grabs a bass pick, and hits all four strings at once, and THEY ALL BREAK!! all four of them, and they all curls back up (they were BRAND new) and slash his face. Right along his cheek and nose. Left a lot of blood on my bass, which, strangely, he has never touched again. Apparently, he had been holding the pick sidways, so it was edge on ot the strings. DUH!!

How do you get two drummers to keep one beat?
*
*
Shoot one

One day a bassman died.He started to travel and met with an angel at the end of the light.Angel:
-You,men,you've been good boy.So you can have a great time in heaven.Before going there,make a wish..
Bassman:
-Great!!.I wanna see Charles Mingus.He might be here...
Angel:
-Sure.This way please..
Then they started to walk.Suddenly man hears a sound.A full,fat,strong basslines.Playing a Mingus song.Excellent.
Bassman turns around and sees the guy with white long dress,playing the doublebass
Bassman:
-Ohhh,there he is..He is playing marvelous..
Angel:
-Oh no,he isnt Mingus.He is God.He pretends that he is Mingus

http://www.talkbass.com/ubb/smile.gif

Here are a couple for ya.

What is the difference between a bass guitar and a trampoline?


You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
---------------------------------------------
What do you call a person who hangs around with a bunch of mucicians?

A drummer http://www.talkbass.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless
What do you call a drummer with a beeper? Hopeful

Q: What's the range of a 6-string bass?
A: About 30 yards, depending on how strong you are.

... and of course how can we leave out:

Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down his volume?

A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

Will C. http://www.talkbass.com/ubb/cool.gif

How do you get a drummer off of your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

What is the most UNDERUSED phrase in the English language?
"That Lexus belongs to the percussionist."

Q:What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

A:Homeless

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but 50 could have done it better.

What does a Drummer look for in a Mate?

What signs does a Drummer look for in a mate?

Life

If I wasn't so lame I would incorporate something with the g string =) . Oh well, maybe you all can come up with something.

What happens when the bassist locks his keys in the car?
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It takes him/her three hours to get the rest of the band out.

------------------
"We told you before, but you didn't hear us then. So, you still question why! You didn't listen again!" -Rush

What happens when the bassist locks his keys in the car?
*
*
*
*
*
*
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*
*
*
*
It takes him/her three hours to get the rest of the band out.

------------------
"We told you before, but you didn't hear us then. So, you still question why! You didn't listen again!" -Rush

What does it take to reunite the beatles?

3 more bullets.

(sorry, this was especially bad...)

.....awkward silence.

What's the last thing the drummer said
before he got kicked out of the band.....
.
.
.
.

..
.
.


I have this great idea for a song.
http://www.talkbass.com/ubb/cool.gif

------------------
Confucius say "Panties not best thing on earth, but right next to it"
and
"Man who cry when he masturbate...is a tearjerker"

What do you get when you cross square dance music with rap?
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*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
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*
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Hick-hop.

------------------
"We told you before, but you didn't hear us then. So, you still question why! You didn't listen again!" -Rush

How can you tell when there are singers knocking at the door?


They don't know when to come in...

How can you tell when a trombone player is at your door?

<knock><knock><knock>

Domino's Pizza!

------------------
the fabric of reality is woven from the threads of our dreams...
bill longshort

Why are viola's bigger than violins?

They aren't, the violinists heads are bigger.

------------------
the fabric of reality is woven from the threads of our dreams...
bill longshort

What's the difference between a buzz saw and an alto sax?

You can tune a buzz saw.

------------------
the fabric of reality is woven from the threads of our dreams...
bill longshort

What's the difference between a dead armadillo in the road and a dead trombone player in the road?

The armadillo may have actually been on his way to a gig.

------------------
the fabric of reality is woven from the threads of our dreams...
bill longshort

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?

Most people don't cry when you chop up an oboe.

------------------
the fabric of reality is woven from the threads of our dreams...
bill longshort

What's the definition of a true gentleman?

Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

------------------
the fabric of reality is woven from the threads of our dreams...
bill longshort

What's the definition of an optimist?

An accordian player with a beeper.

How do you stop a drummer from drowning ?
*
*
*
*
Take your foot off his head.

What do Eric Clapton and Black Coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream (no offense to anyone, I enjoy Eric Clapton's solo career very much)

How can you tell if a female singer is at your door?
*
*
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*
She doesn't know what time it is, when she was supposed to get there, and she forgot her key.

------------------
Playing bass is not a hobby. It is an essential.

"Knock knock!"
..."Who's There?"
"Knock knock!"
..."Who's There?"
"Knock knock!"
..."Who's There?"
"Knock knock!"
..."Who's There?"
"Knock knock!"
..."Who's There?"
"Knock knock!"
..."Who's There?"
"Knock knock!"
..."Who's There?"
"Knock knock!"
..."Who's There?"
"Knock knock!"
..."Who's There?"
"Knock knock!"
..."Who's There?"

...."Philip Glass..."

Three couples walk into a conservative church. There is an older couple, a middle-aged couple, and a pair of newly-weds. The preist, who is this old, wrinkled little guy with glasses, tells them the many virtues of their church, then tells them that to join, they must abstain form all worldly pleasures for three weeks. The three couples leave.

Three weeks later they come back. The preist goes up to the older couple,
"Have you abstained from all worldly pleasures?" he asks.
"Well, yes. We are about 70, after all."
"Then you may enter our sanctuary with our blessings. Welcome to our chruch."
The couple walks in, very much happy.

The preist approaches the middle-aged couple,
"Have you abstained from all worldly pleasures?" he asks.
"Well, yes. It was kind of hard, though. I had to sleep on the couch for the past three days, but we did it."
"Then you may enter our sanctuary with our blessings. Welcome to our chruch."
The middle aged couple kiss each other, then enter the sanctuary.

The preist finnaly reaches the newly weds,
"So, how did my young friends hold out?"
"Father, we tried. We really tried. But last Thursday, my wife was reaching for a can of pop, and just the way she was standing, and the way that the light fell on her, I couldn't stand it. I took her right there."
"Well, son, I am afraid that you are no longer welcome here."


"Yea, we aren't welcome at Seven Eleven any more, either."

Rock on
Eric

:D

Where'd you hear that one?

:D

From my dad, who heard it from my Scoutmaster.

Funny, huhn?


Rock on
Eric

For those of you that don't fear hell ... here's a story for you.

The devil was showing some new inmates around hell one day.
He pointed out that regardless of what they had heard ... they had options in HIS domain. So get ready to pick your individualized eternity.

The first room he showed them was full of fire and brimstone, screaming and gnashing of teeth.

Second room, huge numbers of hideous demons with white hot pokers, burning and tormenting souls continuously.

Third room, around the corner, they could hear general conversation going on. The devil escorts everybody into the third room, the place is packed full of people ... up to their ARMPITS in horsesheit ... drinking coffee and talking politics.

Devil said to the newbies, times up, which room do you choose? Everyone said under the circumstances the 3rd. room would have to do.

Very well, lets go back to the desk and sign you all up. As the devil walked out of the third room, he yells over his shoulder ... alright, breaks over ... back on your knees.

Hehehehe
So many funny jokes...
If you all aren't careful I'll post the one about the pool party on a cold winter night.
True story, but funny as a fit.

Oh, TEASE us...

I will tease you all, dont worry...

:)

how many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

just one, but the guitarist has to show him how

come on Xeo, tell us your funny joke!!!!!!!!

Will...that was great. I don't know how many P. Glass fans are here, but that was really funny!!!

I'll tell you the joke/true story soon, when I find out how to fabricate in enough so that I dont look like a complete git.

Too late. =)

furtim, me lad! Where ya been? Off the net cause it was summer? Or just lurking?

Upon returning from a break, the keyboard player notices the bass player frantically chasing a child around the
room. As the bass player stops to catch his breath, the keyboard players asks what's going on.

"That kid was on the bandstand messing with my bass and turned one of the tuners".

"Yeah, that would bother me, too, but why are you still chasing him?"

"He won't tell me which one".

Four friends die and go to hell (they wern't very nice.) They watch as the endless line of people are picked up by Satan, questioned, and thrown into the lake of fire. But one thing they notice is that occasionaly, he puts one to the side for a while, then eventualy throws him in. When it is finally there turn, the bravest of the guys says,

"All right, why is it that you will take the odd person and keep him out for a while? This has been buggin us for months!"

"Well," the devil replied, "These guys are from Oregon. They are too wet to burn. You got to leave them aside for a while to dry them out."

:D

Rock on
Eric

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far
later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it
to my lesson; I had a gig!"

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" - "No," she replies, "I'm married to God.">She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!">"Yeah?”, says the hippie. "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and>throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha”, he cries. "I am the hippie!"> "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver">>>>

Heya, Eli. Talk about a delayed reaction, eh? I'm a whole month late! I've been alternating between not being here at all and lurking, pretty much.

And, hey... Xeo never did tell his story!

What's the difference between a trombone player and a large pizza?
*
The pizza can feed a family of four.



What do you call a drummer in a suit?
*
The defendant.



Drummer and a drunk walk into a bar. The drunk is broke too.



What's the range of a 6-string bass?
*
About thirty yards, depending on how strong you are.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, " says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a crap!"

A young Irish man goes into a confessional box in a Church in Dublin and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose and immoral woman."

The priest said "Is that you, Thomas O'Rourke?"

"Yes," replies the young man, "it is I, Father."

"Tell me, Thomas, who was the loose & immoral woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I do not want to do further damage to her reputation."

The priest asked, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No, Father, it was not."

The priest said, "Hmmm, let me see, was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

"No, Father, it was not, and please don't ask me to tell you her name again."

"Oh, come on, Thomas, you can tell me. Was it Margaret Shanahan?"

"Well, it might have been, but no, Father, it was not! Please, father, I cannot tell you her name. I won't do anything to hurt her, not even before God. And if you ask me again I will have to leave immediately!"

The priest finally says, "Okay, Thomas, I admire and respect your perseverance. You are a true gentleman. I won't ask again but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be 4 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Mary's. Now go back to your seat."

Thomas walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers, "Well, what happened?"

Thomas replies "I got 4 Our Fathers, 5 Hail Marys and 3 Good Leads."

For those who didn't have time to watch the presidential debate, we've prepared this transcript of what was said.

Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.

The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.

Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly kissed the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1% of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1% in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer:
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer:
Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer:
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore:
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly kissed Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.
If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Gore:
It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250.
In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer:
Gov. Bush?

Bush:
That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer:
It's time for closing statements. Mr. Gore, you can start.

Gore:
I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush:
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

Lehrer:
Good night.

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear
Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another
nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple!"

What does a bass player uses for birth control?.... his personality.

What does a drummer say when he steps up to the mic?....... you want fries with that?

So i played banjo for a while.. true story, i went into get some smokes and some beer and i realized that i had left my dorrs unlocked and the banjo in the front seat! i said oh ****! and ran baCK out side and sure enough....... there was 3 more banjos sitting in my front seat...

How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change the bulb, and one to write about how the shattered pieces of the bulb represent his shattered life. But it doesn't matter, they'd all rather sit in the dark and cry anyway....

Q: What's Irish and lives outside?

A: Patio Furniture (Patty O'Furniture)

A man goes to see his pediatrician to consult a problem:

Man: "I've got a pretty serious problem, but you have to promiss not to laugh."

Doc: "Look, I've been doing this for over 30 years and there is nothing that will make me crack."

The man nods and proceeds to take his pants off. And lo and behold, the man has a penis about 1 inch long. The doctor was taken totally off guard (at the sight of a 1 inch penis) and tries very hard not to laugh, but can't contain it and starts rolling on the floor with hysteria, tears flowing out. After about a good minute of laughter, the doctor is able to compose himself and apologizes to his patient:

Doc: "I'm so sorry, this has never happened before. So, what is your problem?"

Man: "It's swolen."

Three women are waiting to get a job interview. There's a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The first to go into the interview room is the brunette. She breezes through all the questions, her resumé is top notch, and she's very sociable. Finally, the interviewer asks her his last question:
-How many 'T's in Indiana Jones?
-There are none, answers the brunette.
So the second to come in for the interview is the redhead. She does pretty well with all the questions, and her resumé's pretty decent as well. Again, the interviewer asks her his trick question:
-How many 'T's in Indiana Jones?
-'T's? Uh.. there are no 'T's in Indiana Jones.
Last to come in is the blond. She's as dumb as a doorknob, and her resumé is crap. The interviewer is in a complete state of dispair for this women. Just for good measure he asks her:
-How many 'T's in Indiana Jones?
-Hmm...
And the blond starts counting on her fingers, 1, 2, 3...
The interviewer's completely flabergasted by this, and just when he's about to blow the blond says "46!"
-What the hell are you talking about? says the interviewer. There are no 'T's in Indiana Jones!
-Of course there are, as she starts singing the theme song, Ta-tatataaaa, ta-tataaaaa, ta-tatataaaaaa, ta-tataaa-taaa-taaaa...