Funny joke about bass players. Can be turned on any instrumentalist.

What do Bass Players get on their SAT's.
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Drool.


hahahaha.

can be used anyway
What do ________
players get on their SAT's.

pull this one on your friends

Hey, did you Hear about the Bass player who locked his keys in the car? It took a half hour to get the drummer out!

Did you hear about the Bass player who was so out of tune his section noticed?

A Bass player dies and goes to heaven (of course)When he gets to the pearly gates, St. Peter say,s "I see you are a Bass Player, we have an opening in the Divine Orchestra. Be at rehearsal at 7:00 tonight.He gets there and he sees a
divine figure waving his arms around in a rehearsal room. The Bass player turns to another angel and say's "Who is that?" the angel says "Oh, that's God. Sometimes he likes to pretend he's Toscanini".

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?


A: None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.


rim shot please!

I thought the answer was:

1...5...1...5...5...1

I tried to avoid it, but I may as well add a few more directed at OTHER members of the band:

RE: Changing a light bulb:

- How many lead singers? Only one, he hangs on and lets the rest of the world revolve around him.

-How many drummers? None, they have machines that do it for them now.

-How many lead guitarists? The light is off, but no one's home.

-How many union roadies? 47...you got a problem with that?

Q- How many solo guitarists?

A- Eleven. One to screw it in and ten others standing around telling each other how much better they could have done it. :)


Now let's have a real oldie:

Q- What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?

A- A drummer :D

Q: What do you call a drummer who lost his girlfriend?

A: Homeless

Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door?

A: The knock gets progressively faster.


(couldn't help myself)

q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a: 2, but you gotta get them in there first.

-72

How do you get a guitarist off of your porch?

Tip him when you pay for the pizza.

What's the difference between a professional musician and a large pizza?





A large pizza can feed a family of four.

You're all ignoring the wind instruments. How about;
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q: How do you get two soprano saxes to play in tune?
A: Shoot one.

Define a minor 2nd interval.
A: 2 clarinets trying to play in unison.

And my favorite drummer joke: A drummer got so depressed after being fired from the band for dragging the tempo that he went out and threw himself behind a train.

Monte

Originally posted by ~Loxley~
Q- How many solo guitarists?

A- Eleven. One to screw it in and ten others standing around telling each other how much better they could have done it

Or: Ten others standing around agreeing that the old one was better.

Originally posted by reedo35
Hey, did you Hear about the Bass player who locked his keys in the car? It took a half hour to get the drummer out!



Phhftt! thats because its a drummer! Its amazing he figured out how to actually get into the car in the first place! :p

Merls

Warning: Potentially offensive content.

So a bass guitarist and double bass player are walking down the street and the db guy falls into a big hole. Just a second, the bg guy says, let me run back to the van, I'll grab my fancy bass guitar and pull you out. He comes back grabs a hold of the bass guitar, the db guy grabs the neck and they manage to extricate him from the hole.

BG guy runs back to the van, puts the bass guitar back in its case and the two continue walking down the street. A bit later the BG guy falls into another hole. Don't worry the DB guy says, I'll get you out, and he unzips his pants and lowers his enormous schlong into the hole. After much protesting, the BG guy finally grabs a hole of it and the DB guy pulls him out.

And the moral of the story is, you don't need no bass guitar if you've got a big dick.

-dh

Originally posted by dhosek
Warning: Potentially offensive content.

So a bass guitarist and double bass player are walking down the street and the db guy falls into a big hole. Just a second, the bg guy says, let me run back to the van, I'll grab my fancy bass guitar and pull you out. He comes back grabs a hold of the bass guitar, the db guy grabs the neck and they manage to extricate him from the hole.

BG guy runs back to the van, puts the bass guitar back in its case and the two continue walking down the street. A bit later the BG guy falls into another hole. Don't worry the DB guy says, I'll get you out, and he unzips his pants and lowers his enormous schlong into the hole. After much protesting, the BG guy finally grabs a hole of it and the DB guy pulls him out.

And the moral of the story is, you don't need no bass guitar if you've got a big dick.

-dh

hahaha ::quick silence::

hahha i get it, if your a band nerd you have to make jokes to make people think you have a big manhood. hahahh

of course you could do what my friend did and come over to the light side and play electric bass, but thats just a sugguestion.

Originally posted by hyperlitem
hahha i get it, if your a band nerd you have to make jokes to make people think you have a big manhood. hahahh

of course you could do what my friend did and come over to the light side and play electric bass, but thats just a sugguestion.


LIGHTMYDIAPER,

But if all of your friends did that, how would you ever get out of the hole?

wow chris!

i wasn't trying to make anyone mad with that post, but you probably gave me the best answer to my post ive ever seen. I actually laughed out loud when i read that, nice come back.

SNIPERLITE ,

Why thank you. Like the old saying goes - if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. If life hands you a "straight line",....

No offense taken, and (I hope) none given. :cool:

How many roadies to change a lightbulb...

1-2-1-2-1-2-1-1.......!

Originally posted by Chris Fitzgerald
SNIPERLITE ,

Why thank you. Like the old saying goes - if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. If life hands you a "straight line",....

No offense taken, and (I hope) none given. :cool:

PISSED CHRISTMASCAROLER,

I'm sorry...had to give it a shot! :D

Originally posted by Bassline1414


PISSED CHRISTMASCAROLER,

I'm sorry...had to give it a shot! :D


SPACESLIME,

Not bad! Don't be sorry....just keep at it, you'll get there. :cool:

DURRL

What is Afghanistan's national bird?
.....................
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Duck.

instead of posting a bunch of jokes...

here´s a nice site:
http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

check it out!

some of the jokes on there are painful

Q: How many beboppers to screw in a light bulb?

A: 10 - 1 to screw it in and the rest to stand around and bitch about it being electric.

Q. How many chick singers does it take to sing "My Funny Valentine?"

A. Apparently, all of them.

Q:What do call a person who hangs around with a group of musicians?


A: A drummer!


:D :D :D

Originally posted by Redhotbassist
Q:What do call a person who hangs around with a group of musicians?


A: A drummer!


:D :D :D

hmmmm

maybe you should read previous posts before posting.

You know, I know we've all heard them before, but these three always make me laugh.


1. How can you tell that a harmonica player is at your door?

He doesn't have the key and he comes in whenever he wants to.

2. Did you hear the joke about the singer, the drummer, and the three musicians?

3. How do you make a trumpet player play less loudly?

Take away his trumpet.

What's the first thing a Soprano does when she gets up in the morning?

She puts her clothes on and goes home.



And for the kiddies:
What do you call 99 drummers on a sinking ship with room for one more?

A crying shame
__________

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?

The knock speeds up.

I heard a good joke or two about instuments, please don make fun of me about them so here they are:

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BASSIST WHO LOOSES HIS GIRLFRIEND???----------Homeless

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Thanks folks, but please hold your laughter till the end. I got one more for ya.

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BANJO AND A VACUUM CLEAANER???-----You have to plug the vacuum cleaner in before it sucks.

HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHHHAAA! Thamks guys uv been a great audience!

On-color:
The difference between an onion and a clarinet?
a.: Nobody cries when you chop up a clarinet.

The bassist shows up late for the first rehearsal for the Nutcracker. The annoyed conductor asks if he wants a moment to tune, and the bassist replies "Why, isn't it the same as last year?".

Off-color:
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a soprano?
a.: Most musicians have never been in a Ferrari.

If you think those aren't funny, cut me some slack, I'm a drummer. :hiding:

The drummer's classic: How do know when the stage is level?
a.: When the drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by John Sprague
[B] I'm a drummer.


:mad:

My oldest son is six. He wants to be a drummer. Sure wish he wanted to be a musician.:(

Instead he will babysit them.

:D

What's the range on a double bass?




About 4 yards if you've got a good arm.
What's the difference between a violin and a cello?



Cello burns longer.
What's a burning cello good for?



Bass kindling.
How you keep a violist from drowning?



Take your foot off his head.

Please Stop!!:eek:

Which instrument is better, cello or bass?


The bass, because it holds more beer.

What do you call somebody who pays to see the new Dead Kennedys linup play with the post-Danzig Misfits?

Gullable

I remembered a good one this morning:

The doctor says to the jazz musician; "I regret to tell you that you only have 6 months to live".
The jazzman replies; "But Doc, what am I gonna live on?".

Two jazzers were walking down the street, smoking a joint. They stopped in a storefront doorway to get out of the cold wind and finish their smoke, when they heard sirens. Instinctively they hid the pot and turned their faces away (to avoid being seen) and the cop car sped by. Slowly the first cat turned to the other one and said ".....man...I thought he was never gonna leave!"

How do you make a guitarist turn down?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How do the roadies tell if they erected the stage level?
The Drummer is drooling evenly from both sides of his mouth.

What's the difference between a trombone player walking down the street, and a duck walking down the street?
The duck is more likely to be on the way to a gig.

How many Roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but being unable to find an exact replacement bulb, he repairs the old one with chewing gum and duct tape, locates a suitible adaptor and patch cords, and reinstalls it twenty feet away from its origional location to everybodys satisfaction.


How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

11, one to change it and ten more to bitch about how much better the old tubes were.

How do you get a bass section to play a
Bm(maj7)b9#11b13 chord?






write C G E

sorry if this has been posted before-
an adventurer type is exploring some deepest darkest jungle when he is captured by natives. Tired, hungry, and afraid, he is confined to a hut where he suddenly begins to hear distant sounds that start to freak him out. They are insistent drumbeats that go on and on. When a native brings him his dinner, he asks about them.
The native replies, "Do not worry. Drumbeats good. When drumbeats stop, very bad." An hour later he is even more on edge as the drumbeats go on and on. "What do the drums mean? Why do they go on so long?" The native says, "Do not worry. Drumbeats good, when drumbeats stop, very bad." Finally it is the middle of the night, he is totally freaked out, and the drumbeats stop dead.
He calls to the native, "the drumbeats have stopped! What will happen?" The native replies, "Drumbeats stop, very bad. Time for bass solo."

A married couple began to have troubles, and before long the wife realized that they hadn't spoken a word to each other for three months, and so she made an appointment with a marriage counselor.
At the first appointment, the counselor asked some questions, and determined that this couple must begin speaking to each other if they were to ever work out their problems.
The counselor tried asking the couple to remember the last good converstion they had, and try continuing it. He tried asking them to reminisce about their honeymoon. He asked them to tell each other the best jokes they knew, in short he tried everything he could think of to get this couple to start rapping, but nothing worked, until.....on the fifth appointment, he remembered that he had stored his old string bass in the back room of the office.......
Two and a half bars into his first solo, that couple were chewing each other's ears off, just talking up a storm...............

What has three legs and a prick?

A drum stool

What do you do when a musician comes to your door?

Pay for the pizza!

My personal all time favorite: How many trombone players does it take to change a lightbulb?



























None.






Think about it.

Here is a good trombone joke.....


There is a frog traveling in a car headed one way and a trombone player traveling in his car in another direction. What is the difference?





v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

A: The frog is probably on his way to a gig.

Oh yeah, one more.....

WHat is the difference between a trombone and a trampoline??

You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline!

Or my personal fave:

What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the middle of the road and a dead tromonist lying in the middle of the road?
















The skunk might have been on his way to a gig.

:eek:

What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the middle of the road and a dead tromonist lying in the middle of the road?

The skunk might have been on his way to a gig.


Alternate punch line: "There are skid marks in front of the skunk."

you probably know the definition of an optimist is a trombonist with a beeper...
Kind of a sick joke:
A sax player had a psychotic breakdown and upon recovery and discharge from the hospital took an apartment in Paris overlooking a quaint street. It was a fine spring day, and feeling better than he had in months, he begins to play "Over the Rainbow". The windows are open, his playing beautiful, and soon a little crowd gathers.
Upon coming to the bridge, he has a little mental block and cannot remember it for the life of him. He repeats the A section, thinking it will come to him the next time around, but when he gets to the bridge he still draws a blank. This repeats with building frustration, until something snaps and he heaves his instrument out the window. Unfortunately he has not unbuckled the neck strap and he is pulled headlong out the window, where he drops three floors to the pavement.
The last sound he hears before he dies is the ambulance racing to save him: (here you sing the bridge to "Over the Rainbow", which sounds like Parisian ambulance with that Doppler shift as it approaches...)

Speaking of Drummers!
This is supposed to be a true story!

When Buddy Rich was on the operating table about to under go Open Heart Surgery, the Doctor leaned over to Buddy and whispered in his ear " Buddy, are you allergic to anything?"
Buddy looked up and said "Yeh Doc!..... Country Music"!:D

Originally posted by SHOWERMINTS
Speaking of Drummers!
This is supposed to be a true story!

When Buddy Rich was on the operating table about to under go Open Heart Surgery, the Doctor leaned over to Buddy and whispered in his ear " Buddy, are you allergic to anything?"
Buddy looked up and said "Yeh Doc!..... Country Music"!:D


...And the doctor, who unbeknownst to Buddy had served an oh-so-short stint in Buddy's band years ago, immediately reached for Waylon and Willie as O.R. ambience the moment the anesthetic took effect....

Nice "TAG" Chris!
I'll remember that the next time I'm telling this story!

I may be wrong, but I think this was the OP that Buddy did not survive???:hmm:

Legend has it that Buddy was a tough guy to work for. I remember hearing a story about one player who decided to grow a beard mid-tour, and refused to shave when Buddy told him to. Buddy replied something like "we're a fresh looking band, young faces, no beards. Hey bus driver, pull over, this guy wants to get off!".

1 more joke:
Difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a clarinet.

Originally posted by John Sprague
Legend has it that Buddy was a tough guy to work for. I remember hearing a story about one player who decided to grow a beard mid-tour, and refused to shave when Buddy told him to. Buddy replied something like "we're a fresh looking band, young faces, no beards. Hey bus driver, pull over, this guy wants to get off!".


Not a legend, but the truth.

For a transcipt, and accompanying RA files, click here:

My buddy - a passion play in four acts (http://www.bridgeboymusic.com/billyboy/mybuddy.htm)

Little Johnny turns to his Mom: "Mom, when I grow up I want to be a free jazz musician."

"Oh c'mon now honey, you know you can't be both."

Ok, I just made this up, so let's throw it out there and see if it flies"


How many guitarists does it take to change a a light bulb?








Just one, but he'll probably be a couple of beats behind everyone else. ???


:D

Originally posted by Monte

Q: How do you get two soprano saxes to play in tune?
A: Shoot one.


That's only in the joke world. In the real world you'd have to shoot more than one to get rid of the bad intonation...

...which reminds me of another story...

A bass player is walking along a beach and finds a bottle with a cork in it. Pulls out the cork and poof! a genie says "I'll grant you one wish - anything at all!" Being a bass player and therefore naturally a smartass, the bass player asks for more wishes. "Nice try," says the genie, "but only one wish per customer, offer expires soon! What's your one wish?"

Now this bass player has things pretty good and can't think of much to wish for, has a good-sounding bass and rig, a great combo to play in, a reliable drummer with a steady beat and good hygiene, a band bus that doesn't break down, enough gigs to pay the rent but not enough to get in the way of a social life. Finally says "I really can't think of anything I need." "Come on," says the genie. "There's got to be something you can think of that would never happen except by magic!"

So the bass player thinks hard and finally asks "How about a Palestinian/Israeli peace agreement?"

The genie whips out a map of the Middle East and starts diagramming borders and crossings, erasing, starting over, and finally throws the map aside and says "Sorry, can't do it, but go ahead and wish for anything else."

So the bass player, having had a little more time to think about what would make a great combo even better, says "I'd like a soprano sax that plays in tune."

The genie thinks a while, and says "Let me see that map again."

Heard the same joke a couple of years ago, except that the setup line was, "Genie, I want you to make the Cubs the World Series champions this season," to which Genie responds, "Let me see that map again."

This one is kind of long but it's one of my favorites.

O.K. here goes:


Little Billy begs and begs for a pretty Warwick electric bass. Finally,for his 15th birthday he receives his 4-string hi-gloss furniture finished plank.
His parents promptly inform him that since they spent TOO much money on that thing, that he will be taking some lessons.
So little Billy's mom hooks him up with some bass guitar lessons at the local music emporium.
After his first lesson Billy's mom asks, "What did you learn?".
To which Billy replies. "O.K. remember this was only my first lesson." "Check this out."
At that point little Billy whips out his plank (and a pick) chooses his key (A, of course) and lets it rip:
I , I , I , I , I , I , I , I , I , I , I

(silence)

Mom says. "That's nice, Billy?!?!"

The next week, After his second lesson Billy's mom asks, "What did you learn this week?".
Billy replies. "O.K. remember this was only my second lesson." "Check this out."
At that point little Billy again whips out his plank picks "his" key and lets it rip:
I , V , V , I , V , I , V , I , V , I , V

(silence)

Mom says. "That's very nice, Billy?!?!" "I can tell that you've learned something new."

The next week, After his third lesson Billy's mom asks, "Well, what did you learn this week?".
Billy replies. "Mom, I can't take lessons anymore."

Shocked, Billy's mom says, "Why?!?"

Billy says, "I got a gig!"





:cool:

YOur second Joke is incomplete, the full joke goes like this:

Did you hear about the Bass player who was so out of tune his section noticed? Me niether

A Bass player arrived at the crossroads on his way home from a gig.

The devil stopped him and says, "I'm the devil. Aren't you frightenend?"

"Nope." replies the tired bass player. The devil retorts, "I'm mean and hateful. Arent' you scared of me?"

"No.", says the Bass Player.

The devil puffs up his chest and screams, "I rule hell. Aren't you terrified of me?"

The Bass player finally said , "Man I'm not afraid of you, I've been married to your sister for 24 years."

Walt MI/US

What's the difference between a snake run over in the middle of the road and a trombone player run over in the middle of the road?
The snake was probably on his way to a gig!

Little Johnny turns to his Mom: "Mom, when I grow up I want to be a free jazz musician."

"Oh c'mon now honey, you know you can't be both."


Actually isn't the punch line "...you can't do both."??

What do you call 2 guitarists reading the same chart?


Counterpoint!


How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?

Put a chart in front of him!

I'll be here all week folks! :D

How can you tell when there is a drummer at your door?

He rushes the knock.

A booking agent gets a last-minute call from an important client for a New Year’s Eve gig. Of course, every player in the tri-state area was working that night, and the only two available musicians were an accordion player and a tuba player. The agent reluctantly booked them for the gig and hoped for the best.

The unlikely duo went to the gig and proceeded to KILL. The audience loved them and had their best New Years party ever. The host approached after their last set and said, “Say, you guys were terrific. It would be great we could have you back for next year’s party.”

“Why, that would be fine!” agreed the accordionist. “But I just have one question.”

“What is it?” asked the host.

“Can we leave our stuff set up?”


__________________________________________________ __


How can you tell if the drum risers are level?

Drool runs out of BOTH sides of the drummers mouth.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

Throwing a banjo into a dumpster from 30 feet, and hitting an accordian.



Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?

To get away from the noise.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?















Just two -- but it's a bitch getting them in the bulb.



A man goes to the shrink wearing Saran Wrap drawers. The doc give the man a long look and says, "I can clearly see your nuts!"

Define optimist: A trombone player with a pager.

How can you tell when there is a drummer at your door?
He rushes the knock.
... and doesn't know when to come in.

... you can check his drool to see if your porch is level.

...then pay him for the pizza.

Enjoy the buffet, folks!

...or the bass player who was inconsolable because someone had turned one of his tuning pegs -- and wouldn't tell him which one?

Ed;

Why'd you delete? You ruined my timing!

Ed;

Why'd you delete? You ruined my timing!

Ooo, sorry Mike. I did a quick scroll through and saw that Monte got to that one first.

'S okay. My joke wasn't that funny anyway. :bawl:

I knew switch hitting Penny Wistle player who gave up looking for a gig, So he got a Job as a Royal Canadian Mounted Cop,
He got so exited his first day on the job he jumped on his Wistle and BLEW his horse :spit: :spit: :spit:
Hey ginmmie a break I made that one up !!
Should I be proud of that? hummmmmm?

Here's one of my favorites...

This metal band is finishing up their first set at the collosso dome. The set's going great, lots of energy, and the group is really tight. So the guitarist is looking out at the audience and he sees in the second row, a line of record executives taking notes. So he thinks to himself, "Man, we're gonna get a record deal tonite!" At the same time the singer looks out, and sees that the first row is full of gorgeous women with backstage passes hanging from their necks. And he thinks to himself, "Man, we are getting laiiid tonite!" The bass player takes a look out at the audience and thinks to himself,
"First finger, third finger, first finger, third finger, first finger, third finger"

Get it? :smug:

What's the difference between a double bass and a lawn mower?




The neighbor gets upset if you borrow his lawnmower and don't return it.

What's the difference between a double bass and a chain saw?




It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

...grabs a hole of it...


:eyebrow:

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

what do bass players use as a contraceptive?
there personality.

? Really? I thought the answer was 'their girlfriends'.

I played a wedding the other day where two antennaes got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.



Man: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
Doc:"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." Man: "Is it common?"
Doc: "It's not unusual."

How many musician jokes are there?
Just one, ALL the rest are true.



What do you call 15 accordians on the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.


Which is bigger, a violin or a viola?
They are the same size. The violin player has a bigger head.



On New Years Eve, John, who happens to play trombone, gets a last minute call for a gig. 2 hours into this gig the manger of the hotel where the band is playing was so impressed with the band he hired them for the following New Years. John asked him if he could leave his trombone there.