Thoughts from Steve Ryder
Luthier and droll Maine wit
Don't blame me for them!

-------------------------

Jam session bassist
Observes fourteen soloists
Contemplates murder

Say, do you guys know
"Wedding Song" by Kenny G?
Buy the damn record

Riffing on "Rudolph"
Musicians in red and green
Learn humility

Best man pays sideman
Revealing greed of leader
Rebellion ensues

I'm sending a sub
But don't worry, he'll be fine
He's fresh from rehab

Solo pianist
Freed from all constraints of form
Heedlessly mangles

Jazz nymphs crowd bandstand
Offering carnal delights
My alarm clock rings

Double-timing bone
Sounds like somebody chewing
On a rubber band

Free jazz temptation
Strikes during the bride's first dance
What Would Wynton Do?

New Years revelers
Here's hoping the stroke of twelve
Sends you the hell home

Checking out women
High stages and low necklines
Great combination

A new world's record
For choruses on "A Train"
My band hates me now

That plate of hors d'oeuvres
Cost more than we're getting paid
Think we underbid?

Break time is over
Rest of band is returning
Now for that phone call

Rock drummer, lounge keys
Classically trained singer
Welcome to sub hell

God bless trust fund gigs
Only have to eat ramen
For a few more weeks

Didn't read this piece
It's way too long to ingest
ZOMBIE HAIKU, RISE!

That's great! Double-timing bone..... :D

A trick for writing haiku is to use the A section from "Moonlight in Vermont"; 5-7-5 syllabic pattern.

That's great! Double-timing bone..... :D

Priceless.

Angrily he glares
Thinks I play too many notes
"Play the f***ing bass!"

Dead air, damn dead air
Bandleader flips through fake book
Dancers clear the floor

Christmass party gig
Instead of clapping weird looks
So we took the booze

Last minute sub call
never before seen the book
missed accidentals

Can you play Take Five?
Bandleader looks to the band...
"Never heard of it."

"Just bring your upright"
Outdoor gig, wicked load-in
Just bring the Fender

A trick for writing haiku is to use the A section from "Moonlight in Vermont"; 5-7-5 syllabic pattern.

Never noticed that! Learned the tune 40 years ago and never noticed.

leaving for a gig
it's a high school musical
better show up stoned

phone is still silent
had so much work, now there's none
dry spells last too long

leaving for a gig
it's a high school musical
better show up stoned

Wicked funny!

Brahms for chamber group
wind quintet must add string bass
among christmas trees

What IS that rattle?
What makes that quiet buzzing?
Damn, let's look again!

Up the subway stairs
Upright, amp and speaker cab
I must be crazy

We're all nuts- oh yes
Making big boxes make noise
Often, unnoticed

Often, way off-key
The doghouse howls in pain
Or so it might seem

In my clumsy mitts
The poor thing tries to escape
Yet to no avail

In my clumsy mitts
The poor thing tries to escape
Yet to no avail

I'm with you man.....:(

PS I really like your new tag line! :)

Jazz is happening
I love these new strings I have
But I just read hmmmm

Jazz is happening
I love these new strings I have
But I just read hmmmm

You gonna get that tattooed on your butt TROIKA? :D

Newbie needs new bass
Order from the Web and hope
For good toneplywoods

Drank too much at breaks
Feel was good but don't recall
Which tunes we just played

:) Well thinking of you guys.

Haven't gigged doghouse
For many a wind-kissed night
(slab- also ignored)
:cool:

broken string at gig
the show must go on tonight
borrow awful slab

Remember "gigging?"
I usually play for
My dog and goldfish

Remember "gigging?"
I usually play for
My dog and goldfish

You silly man.

Gig haiku for you
bassists seem invisible
however they play

"It's great to see you
You look great, have you lost weight?"
Don't talk during bass solo

Do you know this tune?
Flip flip flip flip flip flip flip
Yes I can play it

Borrowed bass, steel strings
Oh no, I think they are starks
Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

These are inspired by the show I played throughout the month of December:

Squeezed in tiny pit
Between the drums and a wall
Don't have room to bow.

Pianist can't groove.
Stop playing so many notes!
Cut off his left hand.

What the hell was that?
What happened to the downbeat?
Stupid conductor.

Singer enters late.
Did the conductor notice?
Apparently not.

Drummer sends a sub.
Orchestral percussionist.
Someone shoot me now.

Gut strings on my bass
God damn air conditioner
F*#ks with my tuning!

very good thread this
Funny haikus about bass
Make me smile always

The smiles and swaying
of the people as they groove.
Stringed boogie maker.

what part of QUIET
during a bass solo break
don't you frigging "get"?

drummer starts to rush
I lay back for all I'm worth
like that's going to work

vocals blasting me
singer still can't hear herself
why do I do this

they "need" to rehearse
how much does this pay again
next time I'll say no

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refridgerator

Yeah let's play that tune!
About like this 1, 2, 3, 4
I thought you knew it?

Archimedes' Law:
Water seeks its own level,
So does Pops rosin.

gaston brohan helps:
his rosin is much better
**** de ****in pops!

gaston brohan helps:
his rosin is much better
**** de ****in pops!

Maybe that is true
I will have to try a cake
When my Pops runs out

Didn’t I play here
Three owners before this one
For twice as much pay?

My Spiro Mittels
Are older than the drummer.
Where are my earplugs?

My Spiro Mittels
Are older than the drummer.
Where are my earplugs?

LOL :D

If I see this book
On my practice stand again
I know god hates me

You don’t know Lush Life?
You call yourself a Jazzer?
I’m disappointed.

Drummer plays Forte
He overpowers the band
Our dynamics suck

The trumpet player
Thinks high notes are better notes
Play pretty notes, man

The leader calls out
Keep vamping on the One-chord
When will this gig end?

The chick singer knows
About hair, clothes, and makeup
Not when to come in

Damned rock guitarists
All of their songs in sharp keys
Horn players hate ‘em

The Guitar player
Thinks loud notes are better notes
My effing ears hurt

Here's my talkbass haiku.

Newby inquires:
"six hundred dollar upright?"
All: "get a teacher."

JAM

Damned rock guitarists
All of their songs in sharp keys
Horn players hate ‘em


+1 "This ones for the tenor sax..... in E" :scowl:

You promised free beer!
You said double that money!
Sick of getting screwed.

What? Full pay on time?
This is a strange occurence
When can we rebook?

Manager loves us!
We are his favorite band!
Next week he'll be gone.

JAM

The conductor stops.
'Please look at bar ten."
The bassist asks, 'whats ten?"

New bass to try!
This could be the start of something big....
Like a fire!

The ship's going down.
Bassist looks at drummer...
'Hell, let's play in four!'

FC

The conductor stops.
'Please look at bar ten."
The bassist asks, 'whats ten?"

New bass to try!
This could be the start of something big....
Like a fire!

The ship's going down.
Bassist looks at drummer...
'Hell, let's play in four!'

FC

Counting syllables
While reading Currie's verses
Is this a haiku?

Damn, it's seventeen!
I'm a bass player!
what do you expect from me?

The conductor stops.
'Please look at bar ten."
The bassist asks, 'what is 'ten'?"

New bass to try!
This could be the start of something big....
Like a bonfire!

The ship starts going down.
Bassist looks at drummer...
'Hell, let's play in four!'

'Any better?' asks Currie,
Waits for reply....
Typical bass forum......

Haiku is 17 syllables, broken up 5-7-5. See #4.

Oh! five, seven, five!
I am just a bass player!
what do you expect?

The conductor stops.
'Can we please look at bar ten."
Bassist asks, 'what's 'ten'?"

A new bass to try!
Could be the start of something....
Like a big bonfire!

The ship starts to sink.
Bassist looks at the drummer...
'Hell, let's play in four!'

This haiku business,
it is harder than it seems.
I'm just getting there!

Fergus Currie- YES!
Now there is congruity
Like the 4 seasons

Admittedly though
I've gigged not on my DB
in a dog's long life

Selling much, to gain
repair funds for the doghouse-
gigging one day soon...

Full PA system
Forest of microphone stands...
An acoustic band

Ah, Bottesini!!!
I can play the first eight bars,
then I have to stop.

Tell me, why do you
Smoke weed before the show, xxxxxx
When it makes you worse?

The Bassists Dilemma!

Fryba's Allemande...
and Gliere's Tarantella...
Need to practice more!

Saint Seans' Elephant...
and Dittersdorf's Concerto...
that's more like my thing!

Getting bored again....
out with the Bottesini!
What more could you ask?

Bought a bass today
I wonder how many gigs
Before starvation

You could make the same
Inquiry about a new
Music school degree!

Another new string
Gets it's own thread on Talk Bass
Everyone's talking!

Evah Pirazzi
Velvet Garbo, Anima
"Gut-like" qualities!

First we'll hear much praise
Then the often heard refrain
"Went back to Spiros"

No new bass for me
Will the Dow ever bounce back?
Damn the recession

On TB again
The company is good but
It's not like playing

bass sits on it's side
neglected, gathering dust
bow in quiver waits

has my passion died?
sooner or later i must
PRACTICE, like the greats

but, a bona fide
tin-man, frozen still by rust
just procrastinates

--
ok.. that last part didn't make much sense.

how about some luthier haiku...


knee deep in wood chips
project bigger than i thought
what do i do now?



45 spruce cleats
new ebony fingerboard
one big soundpost patch

First Prelude in G?
Deedle doodle doodle... crap...
Maybe C instead...

Drummer dropping beats
Pianist overplaying
Get me out of here

'beautiful music',
the woman said as she passed.
bass was in it's bag..

??

"Nice cello you have!"
"That's a big ukulele!"
I hate some people.

Going to grad school.
What does D.M.A. stand for?
"Doesn't Mean Anything"

Ein Heldenleben
F*cking beautiful music
Strauss makes my hands hurt.

"Doesn't Mean Anything" --> "Doesn't Mean A thing", surely? :)

one hundred degrees
heat makes tuning go wacky
don't look just smile

Jim hall takes flight
while I think of soloing
I still play too much

and a five, and a seven, and a five. and.. rest.
and a five, and a seven, and a five..

sorry, not meant to be a mean dig. just an observation.

Oh. I thought you were counting off a Dave Holland tune!

Singers yakking like
diarrhea on roses
Where is the blender?

:ninja:

+1.

Waiters stand idle
Not a customer in sight
Will we work next week?

this n00b is fretting
what preamp? strings? - hey, relax...
play some bloody notes!

fingers twitching now
like teeth itching to chew meat
can't wake the neighbors

damn these time constraints
stupid thin apartment walls!
night owls play bass too

morning's not far off
THEN to blast the blasted walls!
make amends later