At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."

The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

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How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

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Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

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Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better

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How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.

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What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

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What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

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Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

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Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

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What do do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.

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What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
(This one has to be true!!!!)

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There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.



+-----------------------------------------------

What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A demented chord.

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This is only for fun.......I'm a musician...and most of these jokes go for me too!!!!!

Hope you enjoy......

> What do do with a horn player that can't play?
> Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a
> percussionist.

If it doesn't work either, take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Only two, but it's a bitch to get them into the bulb.

how many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb

six...one to do it and 5 discussing how Steve Gadd would have done it.

And how many singers?

just one...and they stand there with their arm stretched high with a bulb...and they dont move...because the world revolves around singers...right?................not!

> What do do with a horn player that can't play?
> Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a
> percussionist.

> If it doesn't work either, take away one of the sticks and make him a conductor.

and finally...take away the other stick and make him a tech

Whats the difference between the front and last desk of a viola section??
A semitone
or
Half a measure!

What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?

The Drummer




What does Ginger Baker and your morning coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ha......

Two young women were discussing their new boyfriends.

"So, your new boyfriend is a French-horn player. What's he like?" inquired the first gal.

"Well, he's a great kisser," said the second, "but he sure does hold me funny."

An antiques collector stopped in a pawn shop and saw a golden rat on a shelf. He asked the price, and the dealer said "$50, or $100 with the explanation". He takes the $50 price, and on his walk home every rat in town came out to follow him. Soon he was besieged on all sides with rats, and in a panic he ran to the bridge and threw the golden rat into the canal. All of the rats jumped in after it, and drown.

He returned to the store, where upon the dealer asked him if he wanted the explanation. He replied "No, I want the price on that golden banjo".

Why did the drummer leave his sticks on the dash board of his car?

So he could park in the handicapped zone.

go to www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes they have jokes for practically every instrument complete with a seperate page of the beloved viola jokes!

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the noise. :D

Whats the difference between a Pizza and a Jazz musician? A Pizza can feed a family of 4!

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. He just holds the bulb in the air and drinks until the room spins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do guitar solos and premature ejaculation have in common?

You know it's coming and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you throw to a drowning bass player?

His amp.

How do you make a guitarist stop playing? Put a chart in front of him.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A bassoon burns longer

What good is a burning bassoon?
You can use it to set the oboe on fire.

What´s the difference between a double bass and a coffin ?
In the coffin the Dead is inside ! :)

What´s the difference between a double bass and a coffin ?
In the coffin the Dead is inside ! :) :D

Twist on that:

What´s the difference between a double bass and a coffin ?

The coffin has the corpse on the inside. :D

Q: What's the difference between an onion and bagpipes?
A: Nobody cries when ya cut up bagpipes.

Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline.

Three guys are drinking in a bar. The first guy says, "It's been a good year. I'm an accountant and I cleared 86,000 this year." The second says, "I'm a doctor and I cleared 150,000 this year." The third guy looks dejected and says, "I only made 14,000 this year." The doctor says, "No kidding? ... What kind of strings do you use?"

So there were these two bass players walking past a bar...Oh wait, that could never happen.

How many guitarists to change a light bulb?

Just one, but you have to get an Osram bulb, and not new stock - one from the Czech factory they closed in the 70's, and you want a screw-fitting rather than a bayonet because that's a better electrical connection, and don't get a clear one because you get a softer light from the white ones, and the flat-ended ones give better light coverage than the round ones, and...and...

Q: Why do bagpipers always walk arounds as they play?
A: It's harder to shoot a moving target.
Q: How do you make two bagpipes be in tune?
A: Take one away.
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a lawnmower?
A: The neighbors actually mind if you don't return the lawnmower.
Perfect pitch with a bagpipe is: (1) throwing it into the middle of the pond without hitting any of the ducks; or (2) twenty feet if you have a good arm.
There are two sounds that I like to hear dulcimers make: first, the windy whistling sound as they fly through the air; second, the tremendous crash as they hit the dumpster.
Just thought I'd add my $.02.
Davis Goertzen

I see you're from piping competition-winning country, Davis, so it's affectionate ribbing, right? :)

Anyway, we got a few of our own:

Q: What do you call twenty bagpipes at the bottom of a loch?
A: A start.

Q: What do you call someone who owns a set of pipes but doesn't play them?
A: A gentleman.

So the bandleader keeps ragging on the percusionist. Keeps telling him that he should think about playing a REAL musical instrument for a change. This goes on for about 3 or 4 rehearsals, when the percusionist decides that he'll show the guy. The percusionist goes down to the music store, and is looking around when a salesperson approaches and asked if he needs any help. After much deliberation, the percusionist says: "I'll take the trumpet and the accordian". The salesperson replies: "I need to ask the manager." After a few minutes, the salesperson comes back and say: "my manager says I can sell you the fire extinguisher, but I can't let you have the radiator."

So what do you call a "guitar player" without a girlfriend?

Homeless

How do you help the guitar player get better gas mileage?

Take the Domino's Pizza sign off his car...

:p OK bear with me on this one its the first time I've thrown this one out!!!

A band was holding auditions for a vocalist.The first guy to show was asked what range he was best suited to sing in and he replyed "Tenor".He was then handed a sheet of music and was instructed to present the band with a solo.The guy cleared his pipes and started to sing,but the guy sang so low that nobody in the band could hear him.Well one of the band members jumped up and slid a mic stand in front of him and asked him to give it another shot.This time his song rang out of the P.A. for all to hear.When the guy finished the band members got together and all agreed that the guy could indeed sing tenor.Ten or twelve miles away to say the least!!! :rolleyes:

Thank you all I hope we passed the audition :D

Q.) What's the pope's favorite chord?

A.) Gsus

Badump-bump.

What's the difference between a Jazz trombonist and a skunk both dead on the side of the road??

The skunk was on his way to a gig...

What is the definition of an optomist??

A Jazz violinist with a pager.... :D

Q.) What's the pope's favorite chord?

A.) Gsus

Badump-bump.
Damn, that stinks.


I love it!

What's the difference between bagpipes and a soundman??

The bagpipes stop whining after the gig....

How many soundmen does it take to change a lightbulb??

$#@% off, that's the light tech's job.....I just do sound....

An accordion player was driving home from a late night gig. Feeling tired, he pulled into a diner for some coffee.

Sitting in the booth enjoying his coffee, he suddenly remembered he had locked his car but had left the accordion in plain view on the back seat!

He rushed out only to realize he was too late.

The back window of his car had been smashed and somebody had already thrown in two more accordions.

Q: how do you know a singer is at your door

A: they can't find the key and don't know when to come in

Hey Hampton...

LOL :D

how many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb
They have machines that do that now!

And my TB-personalized contribution...

Q. How many DB beginners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Get a teacher.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q.) What's the pope's favorite chord?

A.) Gsus

Badump-bump.

Somewhat tackier..

What was the priest's favorite chord?|

A Minor

So, three notes walk into a bar -- a G, an Eb, and a C. The bartender looks up and says "We don't serve minors." So the Eb leaves and the other two have a fifth between them. After a few drinks, the G was out flat, and the experience was diminished. Eventually, the C sobers up, sees one of his friends missing, the other one passed out, and realizes to his horror that he's under a rest. C was brought to trial, found guilty and convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and was sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at the Paul Williams/Neil Sedaka Correctional Facility.

The lead of DB in the Opera retires on a pension. Colleagues call him to listen to a spectacle. After the show they ask about his opinion: "Guys, while being an active player I never ever realized that for example our solo in the middle - you know, zoum-zoum zoum-zoum (do-so do-so) is actually accompanied by something like ya-tata -tratatata ta- trata-yatatrata ..."

Grandpa (quite old) brings a little boy to an elementary music school. Asks the director about what instrument to pick up.
- Well, start with piano. This is the basis for both classical and modern music.
- How many semesters to accomplish that?
- 12.
- Oh, yes, but let me tell about a problem of mine: you know I have many years behind, and I still wish to hear my grandson play, if you see what I mean...
- What about taking flute? In 4 years he could play nice tunes acceptably.
- Could it be shorter?
- Let's think about percussion. 2 years and he can be a member of our local band...
- Please, something shorter?
- OK, that's the door of the double bass room, with that bank in front. You can actually wait for it on board.

Sorry for the limited English.

HOW JAZZ WORKS

List of Characters

Piano

Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.

Bass

Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.

Drums

Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A Drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians.

Pianists

Pianists are particularly successful at making Drummers feel bad. Most Drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the Drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.

Saxophone

Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are
mangy. If you talk to a Saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.

Trumpet

Trumpet Players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet Players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white.

Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a Trumpet Player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.

Guitar

Jazz Guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but Guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can.

The more a Guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the Drummer starts to play harder, and the Trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal.

Suddenly, the Saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The Pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a Guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.

Vocals

Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering.

They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy."Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66."

Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The Vocalist will try to seduce you--and the rest of the audience--by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a Vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her manager."

Trombone

The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism.

Most Trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate Trumpet Players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a Trombonist.

Talk to a Trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.

Picking the Tune

Every time a tune ends, someone has to pick a new one. That's a fundamental concept that, unfortunately, runs at odds with jazz group processes. Tune selection makes a huge difference to the musicians. They love to show off on tunes that feel comfortable, and they tremble at the threat of the unknown.

But to pick a tune is to invite close scrutiny "So this is how you sound at your best. Hmm..."

It's a complex issue with unpredictable outcomes. Sometimes no one wants to pick a tune, and sometimes everyone wants to pick a tune. The resulting disagreements lead to faction-building and [under extreme conditions], even impromptu elections. The politics of tune selection makes for some of the session's best entertainment.

Example 1 No one wants to pick a tune

(previous tune ends)

(silence)

Trumpet Player "What the f#@*? Is someone gonna to pick a tune?"

(silence)

Trumpet Player "This s%!* is lame. I'm outta here." (Storms out of room, forgetting to pay tab).

rest of band (in unison) "Yes!!!" (Band takes extended break, puts drinks on Trumpet Player's tab).

Example 2 Everyone wants to pick a tune, resulting in impromptu election and eventual tune selection

(previous tune ends)

(Pianist and Guitarist simultaneously)

"Beautiful Love!"/"Donna Lee!"

Guitarist to Pianist "You just want to play your fat, stupid ten-note chords!"

Pianist to Guitarist "You just want to play a lot of notes really fast!"

Saxophonist "'Giant Steps'." (a treacherous Coltrane tune practiced obsessively by Saxophonists.)

Guitarist and Pianist (together) "Go ahead, *******."

Trumpet Player "This **** is lame. 'Night in Tunisia'." (a Dizzy Gillespie tune offering bounteous opportunities for loud, high playing.)

Saxophonist "Sorry, forgot my earplugs, Maynard." (long, awkward silence)

Pianist, Guitarist, Saxophonist, Trumpet Player all turn to Drummer "Your turn, Skinhead."

(Drummer pauses to think of hardest possible tune; a time-tested Drummer ploy to punish real musicians who play actual notes.)

Drummer "Stablemates."

Trumpet Player F#@* this! I'm outta here." (Storms out of room. Bartender chases after him.)

("Stablemates")

Trombonist "Did someone forget to turn off the CD player?"

Not only are these disagreements fun to watch; they create tensions that will last all through the night.

(As an educated audience member, you might want to keep a flow chart diagramming the shifting alliances. You can also keep statistics on individual tune-calling. Under no circumstances, though, should you take sides or yell out song titles. Things are complicated enough already.)

So what do you call a "guitar player" without a girlfriend?

Homeless

I asked my friend this joke, and he said "A bass player."

I asked my friend this joke, and he said "A bass player."

I like that. Besides, why should a bass player have A girlfriend when he can borrow everyone else's

I like that. Besides, why should a bass player have A girlfriend when he can borrow everyone else's
Ooooooo! *badum-PSSHH!* Nicely done, Freddels ;).

I asked my friend this joke, and he said "A bass player."


LOL. Good one. ...but the 80's-early 90's are gone, when "nobody wants to hang out with the bass player."


hmmm...and people don't spend giagormous amounts of scratch on woofers so they can hear the guitar player...

But hey, some of my best friends are guitar players. :D

What happens when you play the blues backwards?

Your wife comes back and treats you right, and you don't wake up in the morning.

Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a female singer?
Most musicians have never been in a Lamborghini.

How do you get a sparkle in you singers' eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

What do an electric bass and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
They both suck when you plug them in.

Whats the best thing you can play on an electric bass?
Solitaire.

What do you call a bunch of electric bassists standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

Kenny G walked into an elevator, and upon hearing the music, said, "This s--t rocks!"

Your standing in a room with Hitler, Charles Manson, and Kenny G. Your rifle only has two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot yourself.

A musician brags to his new girlfriend that he can play her like a violin. She says, "I'd rather have you play me a like a harmonica."

What does an accordion player say when he gets to his gig?
"Would you like fries with that?"

What's the range of an accordion?
Depends on how hard you kick it.

Your standing in a room with Hitler, Charles Manson, and Kenny G. Your rifle only has two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot yourself.

I always thought the answer was 'Shoot Kenny G twice. Just to be sure."

Hey who are you really and who you playing with in Columbia? I used to do some gigs with Teddy Linder and Terry Rosen and Johnny Helms and that crowd. Played with Jim Mings (he played guitar then, I hear he's a bassist now?) a few times too...

here's my contribution to the banjo joke phenom:

Old banjo players never die. They just tune away!

From a t-shirt:
We must not fear the banjos, or the banjos win.

What's the last thing a drummer says before he starts looking for a new band?

"How about we play some of my tunes?"