Heres somethin for all us bassists to laugh at....

A guitar player and a drummer are walking down the street. They walk past
this bar... well, it could happen.

Q: What's the definiton of Perfect Pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo into a dumpster and it hits an accordion.

Q: How do you know when there's a harmonica player at the door?
A: He doesn't have the key, he just comes in whenever the hell he feels like
it.

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless!

Q: What has three legs with an ass on top?
A: A drum stool!

Q: What do you call 1,695 violins at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

How can you tell if a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock keeps getting louder and faster and he doesn't know when to come in.


What's the difference between a bassist and a large pepperoni pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

How do you get rid of a drummer at your door?
Pay for the pizza.

How many bassists does it take to change a light buld?
1,5,1,5,1,4,5

Define confident.
A banjo player with a pager.

Never date a girl who plays the french horn. When you kiss her she will stick her fist up your butt.

How do guitarists greet each other?
"Hi, I'm better than you."

More later...

What kind of range can you get with a tenor sax?
About 15 yards if you have a good arm!

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Most people don't cry when you chop up on oboe.

What is the definition of an optimist?
An accordian player with a beeper!

What is the definition of a true gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play trombone, but doesn't!

What is the difference between an alto sax and a buzz saw?
VIBRATO!!!

why couldn't the bassist enter his house?
he couldn't find the key!

what's the difference between a limousine full of singers and a pineapple?
with a pineapple, the pricks are on the outside!

When the bass player locked his keys in the car, it took him three weeks to get the drummer out.

Whats the Difference between a prostitute and a viola player?
A prostitute knows more than one position

Whats simular between lightning and a viola players middle finger?
They both never hit the same place twice

How do you protect a violin?
Put it in a viola case

What does a dead head say when he runs out of drugs?
Damm this music sucks. - that one came from Nokie Edwards (the guitar player from the ventures) when i was talking to him, really cool guy)

How do you know if the stage is level...??
The bass player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb...??
One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves round him.

Q-What do 800 pound hampsters do
A-Put gay guys up their butt

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? Yeah. They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Why hasn't Clinton been discussing the Elian Gonzalez situation? Because the **** hit the fan the last time he told somebody where to put a Cuban.

An old timer a Rest Home says to another patient, "Have you got a steady girl?"
The other guy says, "No, she has Parkinson's."

Okay my turn: :D

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead clarinetist in the road?
A: The snake might have been on his way to a gig.

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a guitarist?
A: A 200-pound rottweiller.

Q: What do you have when you've got an accordian player up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A blind snake and a blind rabbit happen upon one another one day in the forest. Since they were both blind, one had no idea which species the other belonged to, so they decided to feel each others faces to figure it out. The snake took his tail and felt the rabbits face.

"Oh, you're warm, furry, and have long ears, you must be rabbit!"

"That's right," said the rabbit, "now it's my turn."

The rabbit then took his furry front paw and felt around the snake's face.

"Ewwwww, you're cold, slimey, and have no ears . . . you must be a guitarist!"

whats the difference between an onion and a viola?
no one cries when you chop up a viola

What did a drummer get on the iq test?
saliva

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightball?
16, one to screw it in and 15 that say they could do it better.

Originally posted by Deeter
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead clarinetist in the road?
A: The snake might have been on his way to a gig.


What's the difference between a dead snake and in the road and a tromobonist in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks leading up to the snake.


Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.


Why are violas larger than violins?

They're not. The violinists heads are bigger.

that's a pretty good rottweiller joke. i thought i heard all of the musician jokes.

what is a banjo good for?
kenling for an arcordian fire.

During the Gulf War, Saddam Hussein got his revenge on the world by kidnapping all the banjo players, and threatening to release them one at a time!

this one's similar to the rottweiler joke, but still cracks me up:

Q: What's red and orange and looks good on a hippie?
A: Fire.

What do you do to help a drowning guitar player? Throw him his amp.

How do you save a drowning guitar player? Take your foot off his head!

How do you circumsize a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the chin!

What do you call an Ethiopian taking a dump? A showoff


[Edited by jimstick on 01-10-2001 at 04:37 PM]

Okay one more,
An old man goes in for a check up. The doctor says,well,I've got bad news for you. You have cancer and alzheimers. The old guy says, well thank god I haven't got cancer.

Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...Beirherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

A bassist is walking down the road, when he spots a lamp lying on the floor. Picking it up (as you do), he realised it was dusty, rubbed it, and, suprise surprise, a genie appeared in front of him.

"Okay, you know the score", the genie told him, "You get three wishes. But be warned, whatever you wish for, every guitarist on the planet will get double."

Unperturbed by this, the bassist decided to ask for a new instrument. In a puff of smoke, a top-quality new bass appeared in his hand, but his joy was short lived when he saw someone walking down the road with a new guitar in each hand.

For his second wish, the somewhat sex-starved bassist wished for a gorgeous girl on his arm. His wish was granted, but imagine his horror when he saw someone in a Stevie Vai t-shirt with two supermodels flanking him.

By now, our hero was becoming rather annoyed. The genie reminded him that he had one more wish.

He stopped to think for a minute, and then answered, "You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

LOVE the hillbilly one!!

Heard somthing like the kideny one except he wishied he was half-dead

ok this isn't exactly a joke, more of a funny story. The guitarist in my band hand just gotten a new amp with a big 4x12. (he had previously been using a bass amp w/a 15' speaker) Now, he dosen't seem to know that a guitar sound that sounds good at a low volume will, when play rather loudly, make your bassists ears bleed.

So, I told him, you've got to much high end. You know, to much eq is a bad thing. And do you know what he said to me?

What's EQ mean?

Funny as hell :)Almost as good as another guitarist who, when I turned myself up so I could be heard, turned himself up even more. There's just something wierd about those 6-stringers..

These aren't musician ones but...

Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?
He walked around saying Yo!

What is between a 90 year old ladys breasts? Her navel.

Why don't bunny's make noise during sex? They have cotton balls.

More more more guitarist jokes pwwweeeaaassseeee.

Cause i'm a princess ? Hey, my guitarist calls me up asking me 4 favours then he reels off a whole long list off bassist jokes and blonde jokes and i am sooo pissed off at him. AND news news news ; I went blonde yesterday. ta da ! It looks so cute as my bass is furry lepoard skin. AND i wear my hair in braids ;)

Nothing to do with music but pretty funny all the same!


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle Man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the Miami hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this
message on thescreen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got
checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....so...good...side.. .hurts...made..my brother......listen to all those...guitar jokes!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

steve

What's the difference between a soundman and a toilet seat?
The toilet seat only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

Hmmm...let's see if I can remember this one...

2 guys live in [enter very tough part of town/country/world here] and have been best friends for life. They both work in a factoru, and have a part time job at a farm.
Neither of them having had an education past 6th grade, one of them one day asks his buddy "Hey, d'you ever wonder if we could get a better job? Y'know, like...go back to school & get a better education to get a nicer, higher-paying job?"
His buddy says "Yeah, that's a good idea!"
So, the 2 of them apply to a school, and a week later they both receive letters in the mail that read "Congratulations! We are please to let you know that you have been accepted into our wonderful establishment. We would like for you to come and speak with the dean to discuss what subjects you will be learning.
Once again, congratulations, and welcome to our school!"
All giddy with excitement, the 2 of them put on their best shirts and go over to the school to speak with the dean. When they get there, one of them goes into the dean's office and the following discussion ensues:
"Well, first off I'd like to congratulate you again for being accepted into our school. Now, I just thought I'd discuss with you a little bit about what subjects you'll be studying. First on the list we have English."
"uh-huh"
"Next on the list we have biology..."
"Biology? What the hell is that?"
"Well basically, that's the study of living things and how they work."
"Oh, ok."
"Next up we've got you signed up for economics - that's the study of money & things like that - and finally there's a logic."
"Logic...?"
"Well, it's kinda hard to explain...here, let me give you an example. Have you got a weed-eater?"
"Yeah, I got one of those."
"Well then from that I can say that you've got a garden, right?"
"Yeah!"
"And from that I am able to tell that you probably have a house."
"Uh-huh"
"And from THAT, I can tell that you're probably a married man."
"Yeah! I got a wife & 2 kids!"
"Great. And from that, I can deduce that you're a heterosexual."
"Heterosexual? What the heck does that mean?"
"Well, that means that you're...you're not gay."
"Oh. No, I'm not gay."
"You see? That's how logic works. Anyway, you and your friend are both signed up for these subjects, so you can go ahead and explain it to him."
So the guy walks out of the office and says to his buddy, "Hey! We're signed up for English, Biology - that's the study of livin' things & how they work, Economics - the study of money & stuff, and logic."
His friend then says "What the hell is logic?"
"Well...here, lemme show ya. D'you got a weed-eater?"
"Nope."
"No?! You queer, ain't ya?"

:D Kinda long, but...oh well. :p

Q: How do you get a new guitar player to turn the volume down?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Q: What do you find when you look up "bugle" in the dictionary?
A: A trumpet player.

:)

[Edited by BasketCase on 02-07-2001 at 06:06 PM]