The need for self expression

[kelem]

Well here's my story in a nutshell: I've been through some nasty things (girls, drugs, insanity) and music is one of the most important outlets for me. More then that i have the urge to express myself and i love playing.

I really hate day to day jobs and university bores me to death. I figured i have to find something i love with plenty of freedom. I always dreamed of being a rock musician (hasn't everybody) and they say you have to live your dream, don't they?

Yet i've never played before an audience (i've played in bands though) and i'm not a particular good player technique wise. I lessons from the age of 12 till around 16 or 17, first on the keyboard, later on the bass. Eventually i started playing guitar and got into singing (wich i focus more upon now then on instruments.) So this isn't really about bass. It's more about music in general.

Thing is, i'm so prone to self doubts. I have to give my parents that finishing university (wich would easily take three years from now - dropped out of school, when i was 19; was de facto disabled from schizophrenia for 2 or 3 years, so i only even started two years ago) would be a save bet. Yet i hate it and doing stuff like studying or working puts me under pretty much stress. It's just said that being a musician is rather breadless.

I noticed that experiences in my life improve my music. When i finally played again after my schizophrenia (i'm proud of getting rid of it by myself - antipsychotics suck soo bad. They paint the whole world in shades of grey. I took one pill once and i'd rather be mad as hell then ever taking one again. Since i didn't take the pills, the psychiatrist found he can't do anything more for me ...) my music certainly was richer then before. Yet i don't practice, i can hardly play a scale and i have to count to find a tone (e, a, okay this is the d string, now d, e, f, g okay here is the a on this string). Also i'm terrible with pick and slapping. I only play fingered when it comes to the bass.

So i want to do something basically everybody wants to do and i'm full of doubt. I'm not even any good after all. There are about one trillion guys in the world that are much better bass players, have n incredible guitar technique and i didn't even have any singing lessons. I hardly even have any feedback on anything i do musically, so how would i know if i suck or not. I just know that's a teriffic thing to do (at least to me).

Then there are other doubts. Whatever i do, i got the raw ideas, but seldom the dedication to finish them. I'm not exactly a working horse type.

and more doubts. What audience would i attract? Isn't rock something for teens? Did i miss growing up (I'm 25, but i'm more like a teenager. People all around me get jobs, get PhDs, marry, get kids, while i dream about groupies, ponder metaphysics and play computer games)? No. I don't live with my parents anymore, if that question crossed your mind. (At least i managed to pull of something..)

Oh well... I'd really appreciate any input on these thoughts, even though i guess it's already decided what i'll do, even though i'm scared by my own shadow, even if there is the possibility that i'll fail miserably. What else am i supposed to do? Well there's always writing, like that wouldn't be about as uncertain a profession as music is.

PS.: I might sound like a strange person, but i don't care anymore about that. (Well if i really wouldn't care, i wouldn't have written this remark.. and the mind keeps spinning...)

[janekbass]

I think it's very simple what you have to do, and this is my advice to you.

You've been through a great deal of testing life experiences and are a) still alive, and b) using your brain to think about being creative.

now you have to kick start the process.

You need to ask yourself what it is about music that inspires you, and answer the question very honestly.

Once you find what it is that inspires you'll need to dig deep into that area and learn as much as you can about it. Then you'll find yourself picking up the neccessary technique to play those things that inspire you. Once you absorb this information you'll start to forget about it and it'll become part of your subconcious, coming out in your playing or singing naturally when you need it.

There is really nothing more to it than that. It's a long process, but a very rewarding one which you may one day have the ability to do some good for other human beings in the world.

Easy,

Janek

[kelem]

Thanks a lot for your response! I know too few people that would close their posts with "easy".

valuabel

... a couple paragraphs full of gibberish deleted

[pretaanluxis]

Originally Posted by kelem

Whatever i do, i got the raw ideas, but seldom the dedication to finish them. I'm not exactly a working horse type.

If this is the case all I can say is, don't quit your day job! Music can be very rewarding as a weekend hobby