Help me with this piece.

[karrot-x]

So I just wrote and recorded this, de-fretted Squier P-bass through a Squier bp-15 and crappy computer mic. Tell me what I did wrong, if you can tell any missed notes, and tell me what you think of the basic structure.

Thanks .

http://www.black-horizon.org/music/fabrication.mp3

EDIT: sorry about the beginning, I'm not very good

[karrot-x]

Ouch that bad eh? Ok, I guess I'll think twice about doing this again :/.