Tuesday 9/10/10: Hyper-Reality: an Epilogue

jmjbassplayer · #1 09-10-2010, 12:48 PM

I'm probably going to post this on NIN.com as well.

I guess words aren't failing me after all...

Today marks the one-year anniversary of the final Nine Inch Nails live performance. 38 songs, each performed with more passion, more intricate meaning than ever before. A roller coaster of indescribable power and drama. The sense of conviction in the music, and the deep lyrical resonance, was lost on no one there that night.

It was also the day my mom was hospitalized and diagnosed with a terminal cancer called multiple myeloma. Beginning early the next morning after the show, I started spend my days at Glendale Memorial hospital. After six indescribably difficult weeks there, my sister Tiffany and I finally brought our mom home for her final days. She passed away on November 1st at the age of 65.

It was also the day, unbeknownst to me until a few days later, that my ten-year marriage began its final approach to ending. This is something I've not revealed publicly until today, exactly one year later. (Not for any contrived reason, it just felt right to be low-key about it).

Barring the day my daughter was born, this then became the most emotionally complex day (and period of time) of my life. An ultimate mixture of high and low. Playing the last song, "In This Twilight", felt like being burned alive. Then, saying my final goodbye at the end was, well, practically indescribable. My chest felt crushed, I could hardly breathe, all my strength was gone....yet there was an amazing, simultaneous afterglow.

Sorry, all - I can't be anything but hyper real with this one.

This may all seem a bit selfish and over-baked, and perhaps is. But I don't share this with you now to create sympathy, or to bum you out. It's really just to share a big moment, celebrate the good in it, and put a resolve on some pretty heavy pain and loss contained therein as well. I thank you for your understanding.

The epilogue: As time quickly flowed forward, I soon started to feel the sun on my face again. In large part, I've dusted off the ashes and consider myself now to be richer in life for all of the experiences that day marked.

My mom, Marcia Kay Smith from Seattle, WA, no longer suffers, no longer struggles with the crippling finality of terminal cancer, and has now moved on to a better existence. Tiffany and I, all that's left of our immediate family, became closer for it and lived together for a time, helping each other to heal. My ex-wife and I are completely cool and are diligently keeping it that way for the benefit of our wonderful daughter Zelly, and for ourselves.

I do believe that we are capable of infinite understanding and patience, us humans. And, as, anybody who's been where I've been knows, all this can be a long road, but if you play your cards right, the road only goes one way.

Finally: As far as having the deeply profound honor of having been on stage with Trent and my band mates that night? That is an experience I will treasure forever. It is permanent, indelible. I would not trade it for anything in the world. I am filled with gratitude.

I do appreciate you reading this, it's of great help to me having written it.

Thank you so very much,
Justin

NathanTbass · #2 09-10-2010, 12:51 PM

Thank you for sharing and being transparent!..

Lorenzini · #3 09-10-2010, 12:59 PM

Justin, super cool of you to have written this.

Also, kudos to you for continuing to work and create music at the highest level throughout that difficult time.

Continue!

lgrankin · #4 09-10-2010, 02:21 PM

Deeps thoughts indeed. Thanks so much for sharing!

FernandoDANTE · #5 09-10-2010, 02:40 PM

It takes a lot of courage and strength to come through publicly like this. I'm sure all of us admire that.

As always, I wish you the best, sir.

Fetzu · #6 09-10-2010, 06:56 PM

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us Justin.
And thank you for allowing us into your world.

matt_bass · #7 09-10-2010, 07:44 PM

Thanks Justin.

thombo · #8 09-10-2010, 10:34 PM

i check your forum almost everyday... best post yet, thanks JMJ!

since you don't have enough going on already, i hear jane's addiction needs a bassist.

JimmyM · #9 09-11-2010, 12:40 AM

justin, thanks for writing that. really hits home because i'm going through my own struggles with my mother. she's 78 now, and at age 65 she had a massive stroke that left her paralyzed on one side of her body. and in the last couple years her health has taken a turn for the worse in other ways. i feel terrible watching it happen to her, knowing there's nothing anyone can do except make her as comfortable as we can.

but my dad is still in pretty good health and gets around well for a 79 year old man, and almost 2 years ago my son made them great-grandparents and me a grandpa (me??? grandpa???). sometimes i get really depressed about my mom, but it's very inspiring to hear your positive message about overcoming. sometimes we need to be reminded that through the pain we all suffer, we can always find the good, even if we have to dig a little deeper to find it.

so thanks again for sharing this, and all the best to you and yours.

Waterpilot · #10 09-11-2010, 01:32 AM

Very nice man... I tend to always hear about the down times, but rarely get to hear about the upswings after. Good to hear and I hope things continue to get better for ya...

jnewton · #11 09-11-2010, 08:49 AM

Your positivity and honesty is truly inspiring.

Thanks for sharing.

elloko · #12 09-11-2010, 01:21 PM

Thanks, it's hmmm really touching reading and somehow I know what you feel.

Ian Perge · #13 09-11-2010, 07:52 PM

Justin,

In my opinion any person is only as good as the honesty they're able to share with others. From the above, the times I've "known you" just as an influential bassist, as a "friend-of-a-friend", and from a few PMs/emails shared showing simply a very cool and caring guy, you're just about as good as they come.

I'm glad that you've been able to move past what sounds to be an absolutely horrific period in your life while simultaneously taking whatever positive you could find within, discarding the negative... but still learning and growing from both. My best to you and your loved ones, and as always I'll be continue to listen and be influenced.

~Ian

eoinS · #14 09-12-2010, 02:40 PM

Thanks for that. It's appreciated.

Eoin

21niko21 · #15 09-12-2010, 08:04 PM

Thank you Justin.

Hizzoner · #16 09-12-2010, 08:16 PM

Thanks ...much respect to you

MN_Bass · #17 09-13-2010, 01:13 PM

Thanks for sharing Justin.

retardedpossum · #18 09-13-2010, 02:07 PM

Mucho Love to you Justin.

stingray56funk · #19 09-14-2010, 06:17 PM

Thank you for sharing your heart and a bit of your life with us. God bless you Justin.

stoneboy26 · #20 09-23-2010, 05:53 PM

Thanks for sharing Justin. My last 18 months have not been that intense, but I went through the ending of my relationship with my fiance about a month before our daughter was born. I was out of a job, and out of a band.

The only bright spark was the birth of my daughter and from that moment, things started turning around. I found a job and a band that is now working every week.

It took me a long time to really grasp and believe that things weren't going to change with my ex and the same week I decided it was time to really move on (12 months after we split) I met the most amazing and understanding woman I have ever met. On top of that I have a healthy happy daughter who is now at 18 months becoming a real little person.

Life has been put into perspective and I can now concentrate on the things important to me - as it seems you are too and it is amazing to see the good that can emerge from what we see at the time as bad.

Here's to the next 12 months being even greater for you!