| CRAIG'S LIST: BASS PLAYER WANTED METRO DETROIT
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From Craig's List:
Band Seeks Unambitious Bass Player
Some Advice from Bass Player # 5
I recently auditioned with a band on the east side, which I will refer to as "The Great Garage Rock Band". I was the fifth bass player they have auditioned in recent months. A few days after my second practice session, I was given the word that they had to let me go. Darn.
Though I only met with them twice, I tried to make some observations, which I will share with you. So, if you're an aspiring bassist, there could be a place for you in this musical arrangement.
Here are the main requirements of the position:
1. Don't think for yourself - ever. The established members of "The Great Garage Rock Band", in their grand collective wisdom, will tell you exactly what they think you should do. After all, you're only the bassist -- what could you possibly know about song arrangements or musical theory? Or anything else? Just stand way back in the dark corner of their practice space and try not to force them to have to even acknowledge that you are in the room.
2. Don't ever attempt to express any of your own creativity. They will be far happier if you just play the "wonderful" bass line they have prepared for their masterpieces -- it's usually something "complex" like this: A, D, A, A, D, A, D, A, A, D, A, D, A, A, D, A, D, A, A, D, A, D, A, A, D, A, D, A, A, D, A, D, A, A, D, A, D, A, A, D.... Such virtuosity must never be questioned.
3. Don't express any opinions on the existing songs, no matter how constructive an approach you might attempt. Even when they play the one song that sounds like a rip-off of Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive" crossed with a tad bit of G & R's "Patience". Trust me, it won't do that you've already complimented them on the songs that are actually decent. Refer to #1.
4. Likewise, don't make any recommendations for improving any of their existing songs. Try to disregard the fact that most of the songs end with the exact same riff on which they started (usually something with two chords). "The Great Garage Rock Band" knows all and must never be questioned. Refer to #2.
5. Don't worry when you hear one of the guitar players playing a Green Day riff between nearly every song -- that's just his way of showing you just how cool he is. You should know this, seeing as how Green Day is such exemplary rock music. Um, yeah... Refer to # 1 and #3.
6. Try to ignore the other guitar player's heavy beer breath when he gets six inches from your face. Just picture yourself inside of the old Stroh's brewery in Detroit. The fellow actually is an accomplished guitarist -- however, he believes the addition of 11-12 beers makes him sound super-awesome. Refer to #1.
7. Don't get annoyed when that same guitarist calls you at 9:45 pm on a Sunday night (when you're layed up sick) -- that's just his way.
8. When you have band practice, you'll probably need to get some fresh air occasionally, as they will light up several "fatties" during the course of a practice session. Apparently, "The Great Garage Rock Band" believes this is the "gateway drug" to fame and fortune.
9. Don't worry if you've forgotten how one of their songs ends -- just play the exact same thing that you played at the beginning of the song... and in the middle of the song, etc. Refer to #1 and #4.
10. Don't try to be friends with or otherwise get to know the existing members of "The Great Garage Rock Band" -- they have far too many important things to do besides lowering themselves to acknowledge the lowly bass player. Try to act like a nice, quiet piece of furniture in the corner of an attic, and you'll do fine. Refer to #1 and #2.
If you follow the above helpful hints, you just might become bass player #6 for "The Great Garage Rock Band". Enjoy your short-lived reign.
__________________
Only red lights are forever.
Don't act your disease, defy it.
Fender Precision club member #63. LDS Cabinet Owner #17, Hartke Club Member #86
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