Critique these lyrics (punk rock)
I've recently been inspired to write original music after loosing a third band with nothing left but memories and debt. I'd like to get any feedback I can on the first nearly finished set of lyrics I've put together:
You dont have my back
so much for friends
You forgot how to live
You've been dead since you did
I know youre blind
but I'm not deaf
Hitting the right notes
is the first ****ing step
I give up no
I give up no
surrender I give up
Your friendship was plain
You make me sick
Compare me to him?
Grow up its pathetic
You think you're tough?
We were supposed to be brothers
Have respect for my choices
Have fun playing covers
to the drugs that make you sick
you think it makes you different
It's sung in my head like Kieth Morris of Black Flag / OFF.
Looks more like a letter to somebody. It's too personal.
Of course, you copyrighted the song before typing it online, right? :P
Really digging the first verse you got there.
I agree with Bassisgood4U's notion that it's almost too personal, but I still like it. Angsty and to the point.
The lyrics are personal, but a lot of punk songs are pissed-off, 1st person POV. See Rollins-era Black Flag. Your lyrics will work in a song.
Couple of lines in there that sound a bit "clinical"
and don't fit the "zeitgeist" of the song.....
(1) "hitting the right notes'
(2) "have respect for my choices"......needs to be said differently
(3) "have fun playing covers".......needs to be said in a different way
Good song........just my two cents adjusted for inflation....
Keep up the good work.........cheers.......:bassist:
Thanks for the feedback! It will go a long way towards confidently making this a track.
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