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  #1  
Old 02-12-2014, 11:59 AM
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Critique these lyrics (punk rock)

I've recently been inspired to write original music after loosing a third band with nothing left but memories and debt. I'd like to get any feedback I can on the first nearly finished set of lyrics I've put together:

Surrender

You dont have my back
so much for friends
You forgot how to live
You've been dead since you did

surrender

I know youre blind
but I'm not deaf
Hitting the right notes
is the first ****ing step

Surrender
I give up no
surrender
I give up no
surrender I give up

Your friendship was plain
You make me sick
Compare me to him?
Grow up its pathetic
You think you're tough?
We were supposed to be brothers
Have respect for my choices
Have fun playing covers

you surrendered
to the drugs that make you sick
you surrendered
you think it makes you different

It's sung in my head like Kieth Morris of Black Flag / OFF.

Thanks!
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Old 02-12-2014, 09:05 PM
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Looks more like a letter to somebody. It's too personal.
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Old 02-12-2014, 09:14 PM
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me likey!
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  #4  
Old 02-12-2014, 09:28 PM
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Of course, you copyrighted the song before typing it online, right? :P
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Old 02-13-2014, 05:17 PM
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Really digging the first verse you got there.

I agree with Bassisgood4U's notion that it's almost too personal, but I still like it. Angsty and to the point.
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  #6  
Old 02-13-2014, 05:22 PM
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The lyrics are personal, but a lot of punk songs are pissed-off, 1st person POV. See Rollins-era Black Flag. Your lyrics will work in a song.
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Old 02-14-2014, 02:12 PM
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Couple of lines in there that sound a bit "clinical"
and don't fit the "zeitgeist" of the song.....

(1) "hitting the right notes'


(2) "have respect for my choices"......needs to be said differently

(3) "have fun playing covers".......needs to be said in a different way


Good song........just my two cents adjusted for inflation....

Keep up the good work.........cheers.......
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Old 02-14-2014, 03:32 PM
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Thanks for the feedback! It will go a long way towards confidently making this a track.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bassisgood4U View Post
Looks more like a letter to somebody. It's too personal.
Beyond the punk rock excuse, I like this reaction because most of it was actually a letter (in texts) to me, not someone else. I wanted to remember what I was told and be able to see the other side. Personal is ok... I'm probably the only one who will ever hear it in song.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TolerancEJ View Post
Of course, you copyrighted the song before typing it online, right? :P
I would take it as a compliment if someone stole it and turned it into something. Something about the form of flattery comes to mind.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenG View Post
Couple of lines in there that sound a bit "clinical"
and don't fit the "zeitgeist" of the song.....

(1) "hitting the right notes'


(2) "have respect for my choices"......needs to be said differently

(3) "have fun playing covers".......needs to be said in a different way


Good song........just my two cents adjusted for inflation....

Keep up the good work.........cheers.......
That's the kind of help I could really use. Any expanding on that or ideas you could offer will be well received.
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