Fear Of Flying (This Business of Music II)

[wsmerwin@hotmai]

It strikes me that as serious as I am about music I don’t really take it seriously. I never had to make a living from it. When music didn’t take off for me I got casual about study and indulgent about equipment. It never seemed like “WORK” to me, not that it should. More accurately, the work was everything that lead up to the gig and everything that lead away from it. The actual playing was, and still is, always a joy. I am pleased to have had the means to support myself and my music habit but I have to wonder whether or not I ever had a chance to “make it” in this business, or if that is what I wanted. I enjoy life on the “elitist fringe”, ever critical of mainstream pap and thinking “I could do that”. I don’t make time to practice, feeling much the same way Paul Bowles did when he famously said something along the lines of “I’ll write when I’m being paid”. I’ll practice when I need to. I don’t play as often as I once did. I used to practice and play long hours of brilliant passages into the ether of street noise and random listeners. Look where it has gotten me. I don’t feel regret, just a nagging unworthiness.

I miss Frank Zappa’s thick and commanding sound. I never thought about it when he was alive, but nobody I’ve heard plays the way he did, with such authority, forcing us to listen. Most of us miss Miles, and Jaco, and Jimi. Incredible players I dared somewhat sheepishly, count myself among; believing in some future when others might know or care about my music. What then am I asking of you noble reader ? Shall I repeat my question about maintaining focus, which by the way you were quite thorough and gracious in answering (thank you all) ? I think what I need is a chance to vent, to un-rattle my nerves about the prospective future and the bleak and static present. VENT WITH ME PLEASE. Let me hear about your successes and your near successes. Tell me where you’ve fallen down and gotten up again or decided to sit this one out. Were you angry; were you relieved ? Was the life to follow more energized or pale and faded ? Tell me where you’d be if it weren’t for …