Help with phrasing a song

[Depth_Charge]

While I was at work, lyrics for a song just started flooding my brain, so I whipped them down. I ended up writing it all out in about a minute, then typed and cleaned it up some.

Problem is I've never worked with an odd structure (to me). It's:

2 verses of 3 lines
A chorus
Another 3 line verse
A chorus
A 4 line bridge
Ending with a 4 line verse.

Mosts songs I write are much more uniform, ie the old verse verse chorus verse chorus bridge verse end

So...how do you approach deviations like this??

[AdlerAugen]

well, phrasing is breaking up phrases. The easiest way is to look for where the commas and periods should be if it were meant as a written work, not sung.

It also depends on how you think they fit together, for instance, does lines 1&2 go together very well, and line 3 closes it out, or does line 1 give an intro, while 2&3 give the solution?

oh, and it'll be a lot easier if you actually post the lyrics.

[louieeadg]

I've always been a big proponent of "melody first...theeen the lyrics" The quote I remember that from was on 101 Dalmations...but I've heard other professionals say that as well....

[smperry]

just my opinion...I can't say without knowing the lyrics, but that structure isn't necessarily odd and might work out fine. How long are the lines? Meaning, could a verse be considered 6 lines instead of 3, or is a single verse very short?

M

[Depth_Charge]

Well I guess it wouldn't hurt to post one minute worth of inspiration

Wandering Eye
--------------

(V)
Where were you ten years ago
When I could have really used
a spirit like you in my life? (Heaven sent)

(V)
I've made my mind up
And I've locked my ways down
And I've committed myself to her (Heaven sent)

(C)
So why oh why must I see you
Can't you please yeah please just go
I sense you feel what I feel
When you catch me starting

(V)
Breezing past me
When I catch that scent
Takes to that place (Heaven sent)

(C)
So why oh why must I see you
Can't you please yeah please just go
I sense you feel what I feel
When you catch me starting

(Bridge)
When I close my eyes I see your face
But it's her I chose and I won't replace
Breeze past me babe and just pass on by
Don't pay me another thought just move on

(V)
I deserve what I've got
And you don't want my lot
So please baby just keep walking by
And please I'm begging you to just
Ignore my wandering eye.

*****

The words sounds really emo on their own I just noticed

It's not meant to be! The music running through my head was more reminiscent of The Killers "Read My Mind" and "Mr Brightside" more than a down and mellow thing...kind of upbeat positive dare I say "bop-py"?

Anyway, there you go. I've put my first lyric idea into public space. Feels weird. Please, critique it, and hard. I have thick skin.

[AdlerAugen]

Just so you know, I'm not an english major, but I'm not as stupid about english as I used to be.


Wandering Eye
--------------

(V)
Where were you ten years ago
When I could have really used
a spirit like you in my life? (Heaven sent)

ok here's where we analyze verse one. One sentence followed by an echo, however you have one independent and one dependent clause in it. You split up the dependent on the 2nd and 3rd lines, but since it is still part of the same clause you'll want to keep those fairly together, keep them flowing. That'll be hard because I'm not feeling the flow between the 2nd and 3rd lines, maybe it's too wordy or somethin like that. Speak how you normally would, would you say 'spirit like you?' It may be a little more cliche, but I might stick with 'someone like you.' There's also the other options of 'an angel like you' or 'a person like you' but not anything with 'such as,' because who talks like that?

Also along what it says, it questions something. Where were you when I needed you most? One thing to ask yourself, is it asking that question because you know where she was, and it wasn't there, or because she wasn't there and you don't know where she was? (rhetorical or non-rhetorical basically).

(V)
I've made my mind up
And I've locked my ways down
And I've committed myself to her (Heaven sent)

Second verse you have totally different sentence structure, using two coordinating conjunctions between three different independent clauses, again in one sentence. It might disrupt the flow a bit because of this, and having the 'and' there twice, I don't know. Just noting differences. What I do like is you keep that echo there after the verse just like the first, it gives it some unity. This also transitions from a questioning to a resolve, something to do. questioning straight to resolution...I might want to add another verse inbetween to transition these two ideas a bit better.

(C)
So why oh why must I see you
Can't you please yeah please just go
I sense you feel what I feel
When you catch me starting

starting or staring?


anyway...

this has questioning, and begging, and a sense of connection. It personifies the girl a bit better here, because she does something, she catches you staring/ starting. You also directly address her. Makes for a nice change from the second verse, although in the first verse you also directly address her.


OK NOW THAT'S all I have time for at the moment. I'll edit this post later with the rest of what I'm gonna say.


(V)
Breezing past me
When I catch that scent
Takes to that place (Heaven sent)

(C)
So why oh why must I see you
Can't you please yeah please just go
I sense you feel what I feel
When you catch me starting

(Bridge)
When I close my eyes I see your face
But it's her I chose and I won't replace
Breeze past me babe and just pass on by
Don't pay me another thought just move on

(V)
I deserve what I've got
And you don't want my lot
So please baby just keep walking by
And please I'm begging you to just
Ignore my wandering eye.

[lowender56]

)
Where were you ten years ago
When I could have really used
someone like you in my life? (Heaven sent)

(V)
I've made my mind up, it’s set
No one can change it now
I've committed myself to her (Heaven sent)

(C)
So why oh why must I see you
Can't you please, oh please just go
I sense you feel what I feel
When our eyes meet glancing

(V)
Breezing past me
When I catch your scent
Takes to that other place (Heaven sent)

(C)
So why oh why must I see you
Can't you please, oh please just go
I sense you feel what I feel
When our eyes meet glancing

(Bridge)
When I close my eyes I see your face
But it's her I want and I can’t replace
Breeze past me babe and just pass on by
Don't pay me another thought just move on

(V)
I deserve what I've got
And you don't want my lot
So please baby just keep walking by
And please I'm begging you to just
Ignore my wandering eye.


Try this version.