Here is my story...I think this is it for me...

[TheWoodShed]

WARNING: This thread can be interpreted as being emo in nature, and if that is offensive to you please do not continue any further.

I think I am done with it fellas.

I have been playing bass for 25 years, and have been a live sound engineer for many bands on the local level. I started out with some people who became my best friends, especially my drummer. Here is that.

We started out just stupid kids in high school. He started playing in country bands when he was 14. I got interested in playing bass at around 17, and got my first bass by working odd jobs at a local music store to pay off my Kay Bass and Gorilla bass amp. They owner, a bluegrass and gospel player, took a liking to me and I began to work the closing shift in the store. I learned so much about product and pricing and the music store business. I took lesson from a steel guitar player to played with Johnny paycheck and Willie Nelson, another teach played second seat violin in the Chicago Philharmonic. I had a real passion for music, almost obsessive.

Then I met my soon to be life long best friend one day when he and his Dad walked in the store. We hooked up and played 80's metal. The day I was kicked out of my house on Thanksgiving by my Dad, the set a place at their table for me to eat and gave me a place to live.

We got close, real close. He was there for me the tragic day my mother died, as I cried like a baby. I was so proud of him when he got his GED and worked so hard to become a police officer. He had his son when he was 17, and I announced his birth where we were playing. He was the best man at my wedding; to the woman I am still married to 21 years later and am deeply in love with to this day, the woman I met in the back of HIS van of all places. I was there for him during his divorce and subsequent deep depression. When he lost his house, I bought him a house trailer for him and his wife and 2 kids to live in and allowed him to pay me back in installments.

To make a long story short, we experienced pretty much everything two friends could experience together: live, love, birth, death, marriage and divorce.

Fast forward 20 years and we have been playing together on and off for that entire time. We are once again playing together in a band. It isn't just a band, but a family thing. Our wife and kids come to practice. We play, practice, and have karaoke and responsible celebrations/parties at holidays.

And then for some reason he decides he want to own the band, and kick me out. I do feel betrayed. This isn't a business thing and it never has been. It was an extension of all of our friendships and our families. Being kicked out of this band is like being exiled from a family, all because one brother wanted control over the family.

This happened three years ago or so, I don't know. I lost track of time on this. I never was mad at him, but I returned the key to his house and have never seen him since. It has left some deep, deep scars. I don't trust anyone except my wife and kids. I think I can muster up the strength to play with people again, but chicken out. If I can't trust someone in which I had such a relationship, how can I trust anyone in such a relationship again?

I am not a professional. I don't want to be. I never played for the crowd. I played because it was part of a bond, a brotherhood that I held with three other very close friends, and one in particular (the newest guy was the singer, and we had been friends for 12 years, since he joined the band). That was my muse, so to speak, and now it is gone.

So now, 10 months ago I was diagnosed with diabetes and spent 4 days in the hospital. I have peripheral neuropathy. My extremities hurt, including my hands. In take Lyrica twice a day. I can not play like I used to, hammering out those Billy Sheehan bass lines.

Between the trust thing and the diabetes I think this is it, I don't know. I think I am about to close this chapter in my life. I have some fine, fine gear that I am going to get rid of if that is the case, the kind that is irreplaceable.

My wife tells my not to sell it, especially my bass. Both of my daughters have the music bug too. Both play in the high school/middle school bands. My 16 year old daughter writes good songs, and is a great hard rock/metal vocalist for someone of no experience. She is even talking about being a music major in college, as I told her if this is what she wants to do she should do it right. But I am afraid for her, even contemplating discouraging her from doing so. For me, music is now a great source of pain and I don't want to see her go through that as well. I just want to tell her to become an accountant, because numbers are safer and easier to deal with. But another part of me wants to use the money from my bass gear to buy her a small PA, because I know a singer is ALWAYS welcomed into a band if they have a PA and that will get her much needed experience.

So that is it. I am sorry if I bored you, but I wanted some honest perspective from others. Maybe I am being melodramatic. I don’t know. I am usually the kind of man that puts his balls to the wall and just forges ahead. But this has been something that over the past three years I haven’t been able to get past.

[waleross]

We all have stories, mine is that I am getting back to the bass after not playing for over 25 years...big deal!...Sell your bass stuff, get your daughter her PA and then.....maybe in 6 mo. to a year....you'll be chomping at the bit to get back into it. You'll be back ................

[Jaguar]

It`s a hard pill to swallow,but forgiveness is key.It can put you in chains and make you sick,and remember,feelings can change but replacing old equipment is forever.I hope all the best for you.

[jmattbassplaya]

Don`t sell your bass. The rest can go if you really think it`ll help.

And yes, forgiveness is key.

[Alexander]

Sorry to hear - tough story, to be sure.

My opinion? Keep playing.

You've obviously been an influence for your kids - keep doing so by showing them that regardless of the circumstances, you can carry on. And as much as you want to protect your kids, keep them from getting hurt or suffering emotional harm, you can't let that fear stop them from pursuing their dreams, relationships, or whatever else may come. And don't give in to the diabetes, if you are able. It may eventually take away bits and pieces of your life, but don't let them go without a fight. If you can forgive your friend and even go to him and reconcile, do so - likely things won't ever go back to the way they were, but at least there would be closure and IME, there is healing in this. And who knows, maybe your friendship could find a way to carry on, even if the musical expression of that friendship doesn't.

[James Judson]

Been there, done that, those musician relationships can be hard. My drummer friend calls it kindy garden. Since I've been through what you described, I think I'm qualified to teach this.

Answer: Get your sixteen year old daughter knocked up. No......, now........, wait a minute. Wheres what will happen: when that grandkid is born you will get the opportunity of a life time, teaching that kid how to play bass, ........oh and guitar to and even a little drums, bongos, kazoo, harmonica, tamborine or maybe pounding on a piano and a little camping or gocart racing or rollerskating and of course swimming. All that turned my life around. Been there done that.

But thats not really a good answer, so plan B: Support your daughter 100%. Make your life about her. Oh ya she can study music. But a degree in nursing, accounting, veterinary, real estate, scuba diving, technical or foot massage can go a long way toward making music you life. And when all that stability is in place you will then get to do plan A.

So with plan A and plan B in place the options are clear. Don't sell your musical stuff. Matter of fact you should buy more. Get yourself an up right piano. They sound good and are pretty cheap. What kind of drums ya got. Mine is a basic set I got on CL for $100. Synthesizers are real cheap used and every time I'm in a music store I bring home a shaker or kazoo or something. Your friends may decide to stop by now and then to help you play with your toys but you know this stuff is for those kids.

Sorry I started to right the story of my life. You shared a big part of yours and got me started.

Moral of the story: There is life after musician.

JJ

YMMV

P.S. It gets better, hang in there.

[neurotictim]

All good advice from above, I'd like to add my $.02.

You've played and obviously enjoyed playing for the last 25 years. You've played with people you're close to, and I would imagine you're probably quite good at it. When the going got tough, you did your best to stick it out, even behaved in a very adult fashion. I don't see any problem here.

But I think you should get mad. I mean, ***? Being close to someone doesn't mean you don't get mad at them, it means that when you do, you talk it out (sometimes after a rousing, blood-pressure-raising all-out shouting match, even). You can't keep that in for so long without it doing bad things in your head.

On a related topic, my girlfriend of 6 years and I broke up a couple of weeks ago - it was a mutual thing, we both felt that we had grown apart. Someone commented last week, saying, "I'm sorry to hear that your relationship failed, never thought it would happen to you."

Failed? I got 6 great years out of that relationship, and (for now, at least) we're still good friends. I don't consider that a failure. And I would LOVE to think that I could spend the next 25 years playing with people I love, having a good time. I feel safe in supposing that there are a lot of people on TB who are envious of that, I know I am.

Yes, your friend betrayed you, and you should have gotten mad. Should have had it out, right then and there. But don't stop playing after 25 great years - it would almost be like pretending they didn't happen. And you have to encourage your daughter, not dissuade her - if she can do something she loves, and continue loving it for 25 years, who doesn't want that for their kids? Heartbreak is, unfortunately, part of the "human condition" - but it doesn't mean we should de-value the good times by "knowing" that there could be bad times.

Okay, so my $.02 was more like a dollar, but it's all IMHO and YMMV.

[robthegaff]

Originally Posted by neurotictim

All good advice from above, I'd like to add my $.02.

You've played and obviously enjoyed playing for the last 25 years. You've played with people you're close to, and I would imagine you're probably quite good at it. When the going got tough, you did your best to stick it out, even behaved in a very adult fashion. I don't see any problem here.

But I think you should get mad. I mean, ***? Being close to someone doesn't mean you don't get mad at them, it means that when you do, you talk it out (sometimes after a rousing, blood-pressure-raising all-out shouting match, even). You can't keep that in for so long without it doing bad things in your head.

On a related topic, my girlfriend of 6 years and I broke up a couple of weeks ago - it was a mutual thing, we both felt that we had grown apart. Someone commented last week, saying, "I'm sorry to hear that your relationship failed, never thought it would happen to you."

Failed? I got 6 great years out of that relationship, and (for now, at least) we're still good friends. I don't consider that a failure. And I would LOVE to think that I could spend the next 25 years playing with people I love, having a good time. I feel safe in supposing that there are a lot of people on TB who are envious of that, I know I am.

Yes, your friend betrayed you, and you should have gotten mad. Should have had it out, right then and there. But don't stop playing after 25 great years - it would almost be like pretending they didn't happen. And you have to encourage your daughter, not dissuade her - if she can do something she loves, and continue loving it for 25 years, who doesn't want that for their kids? Heartbreak is, unfortunately, part of the "human condition" - but it doesn't mean we should de-value the good times by "knowing" that there could be bad times.

Okay, so my $.02 was more like a dollar, but it's all IMHO and YMMV.

Hear Hear.

Have you considered your friend might be feeling bad that he had a split with you and never felt right about approaching you about it after the break in communication. If you could talk with him it could really make things better.
PS: Listen to your wife. Other halves know you better than you do yourself. You will get through this.

[thudfromafar]

Also on the positive side... At least you have a wife and family you can trust. That's better than some people can say.

[edpal]

Relationships change. I'd suggest you try another music genre to get you back on the horse. Or find some people through bandmix.com for something informal and low pressure. Sell some of your stuff and help the kids(I think it was Thomas Jefferson who said,"figure out what your children want to do and then support them 100%".). Even your pain has value - I'm sure your kids have learned from this, but don't make the lesson that when things don't go good, you stop doing what you love doing.

I walked awy from playing about 20 years ago, swore I would never spend that much time, effort and emotion just to be dissapointed. My last band mates were alway running off on drinking binges, coke binges(drummer inherited $40k and dissappeared for 3 weeks of continuous cocaine usage". Then, about 4 years ago I was asked to help some teenagers put together a small musical group...they didn't have a bass player. After selling everything and walking away, I now have 6 basses(4 5 stringers, and upright and a new 6 stringer) and am playing 2-4 times a week during busier times. You can do it. Don't give up. Peace.

[TheWoodShed]

Thanks to all that have responded, there is a lot of food for thought here.

I didn't get mad, and I didn't want to either. I didn't think it would do any good. What is done is done, and the thing is by getting mad I was afraid that things would escalate to an untenable level. I didn't want things to come to that, it would be disrespectful to the friendship we once had.

Besides, I don't want to be mad at him. I just can't trust them anymore, and that is what any friendship is based on.

And while my wife said it was purely my choice, I allow my kids to visit them. Their daughter was my Godchild, and is close with my daughters. It wouldn't be right to end their friendships over something their parents did. And his wife babysat for my daughters for over ten years as well, so there is a closeness there too, that I don't want to sever.

As for how he feels, yeah I considered that. Someone told me that he does feel bad about it, but that is the consequence of his choice I am afraid. And yeah, we have "had it out" before. That isn't an issue. I don't want to elevate it to the point where the memories would become bitter, I think.

Now, since I have neuropathy playing in a band again will be difficult, especially a metal/hard rock band that requires a stage presence. I can't stand for extended amounts of time anymore, for those 45 to 1.5 hour sets, let alone move around. No one wants you in a band unless you are "a serious musician" it seems, and I am not. I just want to enjoy the company of a few good people.

[Lady Kayri]

I think you ARE, to an extent, mad at your former friend, and repressing that anger,perhaps transmuting it to sadness / depression as well. In either case, the emotion is dragging you down. You have to let it go, hard though it will be. I think you need to get out and play, even in living room/garage setting, with other people; if not what you used to play, perhaps jazz, fusion, blues - something DIFFERENT from your previous bands. (And many of these other genres won't have as much problem with you having to sit, even if on a stool, as hard rock does...) In a way, sounds like you've started thru the stereotypical emotional path caused by a major loss, but gotten stuck (I really HATE the "kueber - ross" (or however that's spelled) stages of loss, but...) You need to get out and work through your sorrow. You may have to take 'baby steps' at first, but eventually you can get going again. Can't find a band looking for a full time bassist? Then try working as a fill-in / sub / hired gun for a while. That way you also won't have to deal with the emotional issues that go with being a full member of a band, too. As has been noted in many other threads, bands come and go, players come and go; there aren't many bands who maintain the same membership for 10 years, let alone longer than that. Even the big pro bands change members here and there over the years.

And whatever you do, don't step on your kid's dreams and ambitions. Yeah, encourage them to get the training / schooling to be able to get a decent 'day job,' but there are an awful lot of us out here who are perfectly happy knowing we'll never do anything more than play in local bands, and enjoy the heck out of having that small bit of being a part of the music scene.

All this is IMO, YMMV, and so on. Hope things work out for you.

[Rickett Customs]

Truthfully, I don't think it'll ever be over for you, playing that is.

[Pilgrim]

You're old enough to know that time heals most things.

Don't sell anything - take a six-month break and re-evaluate...or start a family band with your daughters. And/or get counseling, as you may be suffering from more than a touch of depression.

[kesslari]

Originally Posted by Pilgrim

You're old enough to know that time heals most things.

Don't sell anything - take a six-month break and re-evaluate...or start a family band with your daughters. And/or get counseling, as you may be suffering from more than a touch of depression.

This.

The emotional component of what you've been through can be worked out.
The diabetes and neuropathy - that'll be something you need to decide. But if making music is a part of who you are, then making music less virtuosically will still beat not making music.

Good luck.

[LarryO]

http://a6.vox.com/6a00cd970d30ae4cd5...4186000b-320pi