Jokes about other instruments/players

[Godbody]

I'm bored at work, and I was inspired by another thread; so how about we lovingly tell jokes about other instruments to inflate our sense of unwarranted self-importance?

I'll start off with a longer trombone one:

A missionary, on a very important trip in the depths of the jungles of the Congo, comes upon a lost civilization, which strangely has a deep connection with music. In fact, everywhere he went, he heard in the distance the constant beat of drums. He decides to try and convert these people, but the first thing he had to do was learn their language. After almost three years, he finally deciphers the language. He approches the chief, and the very first thing that the missionary asks is,"Great Chief, everywhere I go here I hear drum beats. Why do you constantly play the drums?" The Great Chief respondes,"IF DRUMS STOP, TERRIBLE DISASTER WILL OCCUR." The missionary, somewhat puzzeled, asks,"Do you think that there will be a flood, earthquake, disease, famine, what?" The Chief shakes his head sadly and says,"EVEN WORSE. IF THE DRUMS EVER STOP, BIG TROMBONE SOLO!!!"

[The Owl]

Q) What do you call an accordion player with a pager?
A) An optimist.

[Baryonyx]

I sure as hell don't want some tombone player thinking he can solo. He pack up that rusty trombone and take his music somewhere else!

[Godbody]

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

[Philbiker]

The OP punchline is also "IF DRUMS STOP, BASS SOLO STARTS".

What's the difference between a frog crossing the road and a trombone player crossing the road?
The frog was on his way to a gig.

[Godbody]

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

[NJL]

Dear Abby...
I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as
you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things
happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps
outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask
her who called she gets evasive.
Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting
dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once
picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.

A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and
some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp.
That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really
happening.

I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the
gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with". He
agreed. Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half
stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the
amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed
that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other 3.

Is this something I can fix myself or do need to take it to a
technician?

Thanks,
Very Concerned

[NJL]

A man dies and goes to Heaven. They are having a test this week so St. Peter asks "How much money did you make?"
"About $150,000 a year." was the reply
What did you do?
Corporate Lawer
Okay go right on in.

Next fellow shows up.
How much did you make?
'About $300,000 a year.'
What did you do?
Stock brocker.
Okay go right on in.

Next fellow shows up.
How much did you make?
'About $5,000 a year.'
Oh, what instrument did you play?

[Godbody]

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?

1. "One, two, three, one, two, three..."

2. "Hey man, I just do sound."

3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

[T-Bird]

Hi.

Here's one I quickly thought up (didn't invent it think) when doing sound about 10 years ago.

A long story with a short "joke" :

We were setting up, the stagehands and the band. The other bandmembers were constantly picking on the bass player who obviously was a bit unconfortable with it. The joking became a bit cruel and I just had to step in. I casually asked:

Q:Why is it that the bass player jokes are always so short?
A:So the drummers would be able to tell them and the guitarists would be able to understand them.

You could hear a needle drop on the stage, dead silent.

Then the guitarists blew up, while the bassist was chuggling on the side. The bully then threatened to tell the management that I disrespected him and that I should apologize. I calmly asked what he's going to tell, that he can't be in the recieving end? I also pointed out that I, the monitor guy, am a bassplayer, the other hairy big guy behind the FOH desk is a bassplayer, and the bartender is a bassplayer. Told him to drop it, which he reluctantly did.

Regards
Sam

[projectMalamute]

Q: How can you tell if a drummer is knocking at the door?

A: The knocking slows down.

[Godbody]

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

1. None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.

2. "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

[NJL]

Two attractive young ladies walking down a country lane are startled by a frog jumping out of the bushes on to the road.
They are even more surprised when the frog assumes a theatrical pose and begins to speak:
Frog (in Shakespearean tones):
O ye fair damsels, what ye see before ye is not really an ugly frog, but a jazz musician
that was transformed into a frog by the evil spell of a wicked witch. But, if one of ye
beautiful maidens is brave enough to kiss me, the evil spell will be broken, and I will
be transformed back into a great jazz musician.
For, before the witch's spell turned me into a slimy frog, I was the greatest jazz musician
that ever lived! For a moment the two young ladies are dumbfounded and stand staring at the frog in amazement.
Suddenly, one of the girls quickly snatches up the frog and puts it in her pocket.
'Well, aren't you going to kiss it then?' asks her friend.
'Are you kidding?' says the first, 'A talking frog is worth a hell of a lot more than a
jazz musician'."

[VroomVroom]

How is a condom like a keyboard player?

Ehhhh....it's okay with one....

[Godbody]

What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with the terrorists.

[Baryonyx]

Originally Posted by NJL

Dear Abby...
I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as
you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things
happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps
outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask
her who called she gets evasive.
Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting
dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once
picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.

A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and
some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my guitar amp.
That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really
happening.

I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the
gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with". He
agreed. Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half
stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the
amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed
that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other 3.

Is this something I can fix myself or do need to take it to a
technician?

Thanks,
Very Concerned

The first time I read that (at TB, as it happens), I had one of the most righteous rofls of my life.

[kesslari]

An accoridan player parks his car to get lunch. Since he'll only be gone a short time, he leaves his accordian in the car.
When he comes back out, he's horrified to find that his window has been smashed...
and someone has put 2 more accoridans into his car.

[kesslari]

What's the least common sentance in the English Language?

"Hey, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

[Philbiker]

Q: What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?

A: When you you pitch a Mandolin into a dumpster and it smashes the banjo that was already there.

[Jeff K]

Originally Posted by projectMalamute

Q: How can you tell if a drummer is knocking at the door?

A: The knocking slows down.

The way I heard it was, "He's knocking too fast, and he never comes in on time."


Q: What do you call someone who likes to hang out with musicians?

A: A drummer.