My guitarist is a drunk what would you do?

MoBeach · #1 05-18-2009, 09:41 AM

My guitarist has also been a friend for the last 20 years or so and we're co founders of the band we're in. His drinking has gotten worse because of family oriented stress. He's always been a drinker but yesterday when we auditioned a new drummer he brought 7 beers and a bottle of Schnapps to my house for the 3 hour session. he drank it all!

I've talked to him about it in the past but it really hasn't sunk in. I feel he'll be a liability at gigs as far as getting too drunk to play for the whole night, he also needs a ride because he won't drink and drive. Being a long time friend would you cut him loose?

Joe Gress · #2 05-18-2009, 09:46 AM

Give him the ultimatum to either stop or lose his position. Remind him he would not be able to drink at his job.

excane · #3 05-18-2009, 09:48 AM

Get drunk along with him. That way, everything sounds equally good to both of you.

SteveC · #4 05-18-2009, 09:52 AM

He needs to straighten up or he's done. It's tough when you've been friends for so long, but maybe he needs a friend to get tough with him.

stylonpilson · #5 05-18-2009, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoBeach

Being a long time friend would you cut him loose?

If he's a friend, then give him a chance. Let him know that you're concerned about him being too drunk to play at a gig, but then leave the ball in his court. If he screws up big time then leave the band, but don't give his alcohol problem as your explanation. That way, you might be able to keep him as a friend.

S.P.

bongomania · #6 05-18-2009, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stylonpilson

If he's a friend, then give him a chance. Let him know that you're concerned about him being too drunk to play at a gig, but then leave the ball in his court. If he screws up big time then leave the band, but don't give his alcohol problem as your explanation. That way, you might be able to keep him as a friend.

I disagree with that. Not that there's only one right way to do these things--in fact I'd be surprised if there is any "right way". But I have known a lot of drug and alcohol abusers, and the soft and gentle approach (for fear of losing their friendship) never works. The only thing you gain there is a short term sense that you didn't hurt their feelings, but that sense does exactly nothing to improve the situation, and gentle hints will not ever get a drug or alcohol abuser to change their habits.

I would tell him to his face "your boozing has ruined your ability to work in this band. You can't be in this band until you've cleaned up your act." Hopefully that will be an adequate wake-up call for him, and if it's not then he was just going to continue being a drunk indefinitely, dragging you all down.

dave64o · #7 05-18-2009, 10:18 AM

Some thoughts in no particular order..

- If he's drinking like that at practice and you know his drinking is getting worse in general, then I don't think you can count on him being sober and staying sober for a show. Do you want to take a chance at ruining a show and damaging the band's reputation? Make it clear you want him back in the picture when he can show he's sober but that his problem means you can't count on him. Blame the problem - NOT him.

- Help him any way you can working through his family issues, even if it's just using you to vent. Do anything that helps him avoid a reason or opportunity to keep drinking..

- He's your friend. Offer to support him in any he needs but he needs to get help. Offer to take his phone calls any time day or night if he ever feels like having a drink, offer to take him to counseling sessions, offer to jam with him outside of gigs because he's your friend and you enjoy playing with him and want him to keep playing so he can come back to the band, etc.

Steve · #8 05-18-2009, 11:03 AM

I'm not much for being co-dependant or an enabler.

Even less so when there is money and my professional reputation hanging in the balance.

I'd help my friend to the best of my ability in his personal life but as far as the business goes, he'd know absolutely that it was his gig to lose and his behavior that would lose it.

I might be the guy that say's, "Your fired", but you'll be the guy that gets you fired.

MoBeach · #9 05-18-2009, 12:38 PM

Thanks for all the advice, what else worries me is I won't be able to find a suitable replacement. We're totally on the same page with our originals and mostly everyone else in the area wants to do covers. Musically one of us can start a riff, and the other will finish it, that's how much we think alike.

I'm curious if others here have been in the same situation where the musician in question is not only a good friend, but a more than compatible musician, and a very very good guitarist.

Steve · #10 05-18-2009, 12:51 PM

Actually I have. Monster keyboardist, great singer.

He caused huge problems with venues. Cost us a ton of work. The band name became radio active. Had to replace, regroup and rename. The fact that the most of the band had a years long history with most of the venues in other bands was the only thing that saved us.

Even at that for about 6 months every time we talked to a venue about booking the first thing mentioned was, "Is XXXX in the band?"

The worst part about it was that the guy would never just fall over, pass out and get it over with. We had a 4 hour festival gig, big stage, big PA big crowd...
The guy disappears during a break missed half the next set, staggers onto stage and just stands by his keyboard leaning over at about a 45 degree angle playing wrong notes and singing so far off key it was unbelievable.

I got about 20 other stories just like that one.

MoBeach · #11 05-18-2009, 03:16 PM

Haha! my guitard isn't that bad but he's definitely a bobble head.

Steve · #12 05-18-2009, 05:07 PM

That keyboard player wasn't that bad either...at the top of the spiral.

LowDown Hal · #13 05-18-2009, 05:10 PM

One Bourbon

One Scotch

and

One Beer

Stumbo · #14 05-18-2009, 11:37 PM

Since he doesnt hide his drinking, your silence is approval.
IME, he can't change something he doesn't acknowledge.
There is medication available that will reduce/eliminate cravings.
Good luck.

kdogg · #15 05-19-2009, 03:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoBeach

My guitarist has also been a friend for the last 20 years or so and we're co founders of the band we're in. His drinking has gotten worse because of family oriented stress. He's always been a drinker but yesterday when we auditioned a new drummer he brought 7 beers and a bottle of Schnapps to my house for the 3 hour session. he drank it all!

I've talked to him about it in the past but it really hasn't sunk in. I feel he'll be a liability at gigs as far as getting too drunk to play for the whole night, he also needs a ride because he won't drink and drive. Being a long time friend would you cut him loose?

I don't really see that you have a problem here... yet. You say his drinking has gotten worse, though he's always been a drinker, due to family stress. Maybe you need to cut him a little break for a time. If he's having difficulty with his family, that can be overwhelming, and cause a person to do things they wouldn't normally do, like drinking to much.

Depending on the issues he's having, you may need to take a little break, to give him time to deal with those issues. From your description of the relationship, it sounds like taking off a few weeks, or months, would be well worth it, if it saves your friendship, and the creative partnership you have both worked hard to forge.

I truly hope things work out for you and your friend.

etechstan · #16 05-19-2009, 08:14 AM

Intervention time or lose a friend and band!

MoBeach · #17 05-19-2009, 02:41 PM

I've brought it up several times in the past to him, it's not like this problem came out of nowhere. His wife got one of those "female" operations after their last kid and basically has no desire to give it up anymore. I can see why that would leave someone depressed but it's been 3 years now. It's an issue he needs to resolve with his wife and that hasn't happened despite me telling him it's an issue he needs to take up with her. It's apparent they don't talk but he also tells me he wants to stay in the band.

I understand perfectly what happens to sex drive after certain operations, but there are two sides to every coin as far as needs go and both parties need to take that into consideration.

Pilgrim · #18 05-19-2009, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by joeinsprings

Give him the ultimatum to either stop or lose his position. Remind him he would not be able to drink at his job.

That's the reality. Sex drive and other stuff including family have nothing to do with it...at this point, they're excuses He drinks too much. He probably shouldn't drink at all. He needs to know that. If you don't call him on it, maybe no one else will. You might save his life.

**Thor** · #19 05-19-2009, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoBeach

I've brought it up several times in the past to him, it's not like this problem came out of nowhere. His wife got one of those "female" operations after their last kid and basically has no desire to give it up anymore. I can see why that would leave someone depressed but it's been 3 years now. It's an issue he needs to resolve with his wife and that hasn't happened despite me telling him it's an issue he needs to take up with her. It's apparent they don't talk but he also tells me he wants to stay in the band.

I understand perfectly what happens to sex drive after certain operations, but there are two sides to every coin as far as needs go and both parties need to take that into consideration.

Ouch. That's tough.

So, now he is in 'we have to stay together for the sake of
the kids' land.

One would think that at this point, she might should not be too surprised
to hear him say something like:

'Here's the options:

Counseling. Assuming you want to stay married and have a
relationship.

An adult style accomodation for physical needs, whether it
be at home or elsewhere.

Separation and Divorce."

He should probably seek family counseling for himself even
if she doesn't want to go. He is going into a bad spot and
it ain't getting any better without help, sounds like he is in
a lot of pain he is unable to deal with alone.

IMHO, firing him will just make it worse. Put the band on hiatus
so he can deal with his real issues.

BillyRay · #20 05-19-2009, 03:41 PM

When I was heavily into powerlifitng (ie. before I got fat and weak) I trained in some guys basement since not many threadmill gyms liked me doing deadlift on their nice hardwood floor.

There was a sign at the entrance that summed up how I approached my training and how I approach band rehearsals:
"Leave your problems in the lockeroom or don't come in." I know it's easier said than done, especially since the guy is your friend, but polishing 7 beers and a bottle of Schnapp's during an audition is not normal. At all. Try to get him to straighten his act out via counseling, AA or whatever. If he continues, he'll bring you down with him (ie. passing out in the bathroom during a gig).