review my lyrics?

[Soverntear]

thanks for looking guys and gals,

ive got two lyrics that i just dug up from a couple years back and ive been thinking about getting them going in my current band. let me know what you think.

ant't you feel how i want you?

see it in your eyes as they taunt you

feel it as it becomes you

tear it apart as they flaunt you



wishing is how I got you

wonder how much want you

knowing all that it takes you

tobecome so fake and true



feel your eyes soft upon me

knowing all that upsets me

seeing how long it will take me

till you finally hate me



take all you want too

knowing it's all you can do

feel them taking me from you

sinwhen did I mean anything to you



I saw once now i am blind

(you taught me how to see)

I spoke it all at once

(when you came to me)

thought I knew it all

(how wrong I know i am)

want to havbe you in my arms

(so i can feel again)



You cant feel how I want you

instead you **** those that taunt you

they said that it becomes you

and now i know its true



and song two


so the cog wheels keep turnin around in my head
till there is nothing left but the ground at my feet
I was hoping that one day we could truely meet
till I found out you were nothing but a lieing cheating stupid abusive ****ing whore

You still come around knocking at my door
hoping I will always be there for you
in return i get nothing but lies
and having you spit right in my ****ing eyes

it will take time to make you see
that the truth and confusion in your ****ing life
end up waiting right here in me

I looked in you for the truth
(instead i found lies)
I thought I found somehting real
(instead i found lies)
I told you my love and your returned it
(instead i found lies)
now theres nothing left behing the lies
(except more lies)

you ****ed around and played your games
tierd to tie me up like you little toy
I'm fed up with the ******** and lies
you will never tell the truth thats right behind your eyes

[Joey3313]

You rhyme "you" with "you" multiple times, and "me" with "me".


I know repetition is supposed to be catchy, but to be honest, it comes off as lazy.


And the second one...maybe it's just me, but emo sexist bitchfests seem a bit played out.



But in all honesty, it depends soooo much more on the melody for me. You could have the most non-sensical lyrics imaginable, but if the melody is catchy, it hardly matters for me.

Sorry if this came off as rude, but you wanted opinions.

[Soverntear]

hey man i wanted honesty, and i do see what you mean about the first one. but that was also done deliberately, the exact reason i cannot recall lol.

the second one was written after a break up lol

[Joey3313]

Originally Posted by Soverntear

hey man i wanted honesty, and i do see what you mean about the first one. but that was also done deliberately, the exact reason i cannot recall lol.

the second one was written after a break up lol

About the second one, I have a bit of a personal beef with angry songs about girls, so don't pay much heed to my "review" of them.

Out of the two, the first song, I believe, could be made into the better one.

[Soverntear]

thats cool man, ive been thinking about rewriting them. if i kept number two it would be a short verry quick song kinda like NIN's big man with a big gun. now if you were to mod them in any way how would you?

[xgator4u]

Originally Posted by Soverntear

the second one was written after a break up lol

You don't say, I would have NEVER guessed.
IMO this genre is played out.

Try rewriting them and lose the EMO/Screamo vibe.
Best of luck.

[Combat Chuck]

If I were to modify these songs, I would do the following.

Any references I make to "the author" are referring to the individual penning the song as a fictional entity, not to you (Soverntear) as a person. Any assumptions I make are based on the view of this "author" as an independent being in a fictional universe writing to address a fictional situation, and may have little or no relevance to the real world.

Comments in bold.

Originally Posted by Soverntear

For this first song, I am assuming that it is about a girl who has a reputation around the area as being a bit "loose," but who the author perceives as more than simply a sexual being and wishes to pursue a relationship with. Her self-esteem has been worn down by persistent derisive comments from others in the area, and as a result, she takes to sleeping around with the men who mock her. She is clearly still attractive enough to be paraded around as a trophy, but the idea that anyone would actually be interested in anything more than a quickie seems ridiculous to all but the author. Some of the later lyrics seem to state that the author either previously had or currently has a sexual relationship with the woman, and that the situation above is preventing this relationship from progressing into anything more. The author is perturbed with this situation, and has written this song to address his feelings.

Can't you feel how i want you?
see it in your eyes as they taunt you
feel it as it becomes you
tear it apart as they flaunt you

The latter three lines seem like commands, while the first is a sincere question. Orders and sensitivity don't mesh well together, so this verse throws me off a bit. I would rephrase the verse based on what the author is supposed to be feeling - if the author really is fed up with the situation, the commands fit, but you may need to reword them to be a little less ambiguous. If "it" refers to the author's desire, the sentences don't make much sense, as his desire would not emerge from HER eyes and may not "become" her. The last line, assuming "it" is referring to desire, would likely need to be reworded to state that the desire is being torn apart, rather than that she is doing the tearing, to make it easier to fit on one line (if she is the one doing the tearing, remove one of the previous lines and expand the idea).

Wishing is how I got you
wonder how much I want you
knowing all that it takes you
to become so fake and true

Does this verse reflect the author's questioning of the depth of his desire for the woman in question? If so, that fits well with the atmosphere of the piece, as it addresses a variety of factors in the situation. If my understanding of the song is incorrect, I would rephrase this, since what I've typed is literally the only meaning I can get from this verse.

feel your eyes soft upon me
knowing all that upsets me
seeing how long it will take me
till you finally hate me

This verse is confusing, particularly the last two lines. It seems like it's trying to address the woman's desire for the author, their familiarity with each other, and his undesirable behavior that could potentially drive her away. However, the repetition of "me" leads to the lines not meshing well together, as well as some topical confusion in the last two lines. I would remove "seeing how long it will take me" and replace it with something that doesn't involve the word me. I would also probably reword the last line, as it doesn't mesh with the atmosphere of the song, and replace it with something indicating his potential future termination of the relationship (try "never meant to be," or a variation on that theme, extended to fit the meter).

Take all you want to -
I know it's all you can do.
I feel them taking me from you...
since when did I mean anything to you

Lines 1 and 2 are about sex, line 3 is about the societal pressures driving the author and the woman apart, line 4 is a forceful question. I changed "knowing" to "I know," and would recommend rewording line 4 but leaving it as a question. One potential option is "Will I ever mean," which captures the desperation that I sense the author is feeling.

I saw once now i am blind
(you taught me how to see)
I spoke it all at once
(when you came to me)
thought I knew it all
(how wrong I know i am)
want to have you in my arms
(so i can feel again)

I actually don't think this part needs much, if any, changes.

You cant feel how I want you
instead you **** those that taunt you
they said that it becomes you
and now i know its true

This part seems fine, too, as it concludes the drama that comprised the vast majority of the song. If you can find a way to remove the profanity, you could have an edit-free single, which is good.

Song two... you already said it was about a breakup, so that makes things easier. Let's see what we can do.

so the cog wheels keep turnin around in my head
till there is nothing left but the ground at my feet
I was hoping that one day we could truly meet
till I found out you were nothing but a lying cheating stupid abusive ****ing whore

The last line reeks of Drowning Pool, and ruins the flow. Cut it, and make it fit. Try to pick a rhyme scheme, as it will help the overall flow of this song.

You still come around knocking at my door
hoping I will always be there for you
in return i get nothing but lies
and having you spit right in my ****ing eyes

Songs seem to work better in the past tense, but if you want to keep it present tense, change up the structure a little bit so you don't have a bunch of -ing verbs all stuck in a row. The spit thing threw me a bit - I'm mostly familiar with spit being referenced as hitting the face - but that could just be me. As I said in the previous comment, you'll want to pick a rhyme scheme, which will help in restructuring how the lyrics are set up.

it will take time to make you see
that the truth and confusion in your ****ing life
end up waiting right here in me

I'm assuming this is a prechorus. If so, the flow is ok. I would probably change "truth and confusion" to be two more conflicting terms to better emphasize the dilemma - "truth and lies (or a synonym)" or "clarity and confusion" are two potential choices. Also, are these things still waiting with the author, or are they no longer there now that the breakup is official? This should be clarified by rewording the third line.

I looked in you for the truth
(instead i found lies)
I thought I found something real
(instead i found lies)
I told you my love and your returned it
(instead i found lies)
now theres nothing left behind the lies
(except more lies)

I am assuming that the parentheses indicate screaming between the sung lines. If so, I would reword the non-screamed lines to rhyme in accordance with whichever rhyme pattern you choose. I would also change the last line from "except more lies" to something else that conveys a similar meaning, but could be accented a little bit more with split words, pauses in the music, and perhaps a slide back into the riffs of the verses.

you ****ed around and played your games
tierd to tie me up like you little toy
I'm fed up with the ******** and lies
you will never tell the truth thats right behind your eyes

I'm pretty much fine with this one, but you need to pick some different words so that you're not using "lies" so much. If you have to rewrite things to make it rhyme better without saying lies all the time, that's not a bad thing - it lets the author express himself more freely.

I think that's about it. I agree with the general pointers given by other people - avoid repetition, avoid repetition, avoid repetition, avoid repetition, avoid repetition.

[KPAX]

Man it's so hard to judge without a song context.
I won't rip them because there's tons of great songs where if you read the lyrics without knowing the song you might think they're unremarkable or even no good.
Put them to songs and post recordings!