Are You A Parent AND A Musician?

Thunderthumbs73 · #1 06-10-2008, 10:28 AM

Seems like all my friends who have become parents have drastically curtailled their musical activities, or seem to more or less quit altogether, aside from noodling a few moments here and there, alone in the basement.

I'm quite involved in music, and I make it a part of life as much as I can. As far as I can tell by what I see from my friends, music and kids don't seem compatable. This doesn't bode well for me, someone who thinks kids are fine, might like to have one or two, but does not want to give up being a musician.

I'm sure kids are important and should be a priority. I get that. I also know as a married man, my life is not completely my own, and my wife of course has input and influence and we make so many decisions together.

I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule (there always are), but in general, isn't being a musician and also thinking that you want to have kids (particularly newborns and young) is just asking for problems?

Just my thoughts. Every time I think of my friends with kids, and I think I would like that. I also immediately think of other friends who have kids now, and don't even jam with others, but used to be reasonably active in music.

Am I wrong to believe that I can be a good father, and also continue at my current level of proficiency, if not activity without constantly being in "the dog house"? Can I have the cake and eat it too?

It's a real complicated issue, and I'm not getting any younger, nor do I find music any less important in my life than it was ten years ago.

wateroftyne · #2 06-10-2008, 10:35 AM

Myself and Mrs. WoT are. Mrs. WoT has significantly curtailed her travels with the band, and currently only does the very high profile / local gigs.

It's hard work for both of us, but very rewarding on a lot of levels.

**Pacman** · #3 06-10-2008, 10:42 AM

My wife and I are both pros. It's a challenge, particularly when they're young, but it's not impossible.

We're not in the same performing group, and generally aren't on the road at the same time. For the rare times when we are, a support system is vital.

When they're babies, kids are pretty portable. I'm sure John Turner remembers me and the Mrs having dinner with him and Barb, and Rach was in her carrier happy as a clam. I remember feeding her baby food in between tunes at a sound check - my monitor right in front of me, and her stroller right next to it. It's the life she's always known, and it's normal for her. The plus side now is all her friends think we're the coolest parents around!

Thunderthumbs73 · #4 06-11-2008, 11:11 AM

Thanks for your thoughts on what is decidedly, and ultimately a personal matter. I appreciate it. Man, if I didn't have so many musical friends who musically dropped off the earth, it would be a much easier decision for me.

Perhaps another complicating issue is I am a musician, someone who lives and breathes it (even if it is not my sole source of income) and my wife does not. I think those differences (which were likely significant in my aforementioned friends) may be difficult for me as well.

Lucky for you in a way, that you both married musicians. Ironically, I married the only non-musician I ever dated. And I still can't get her to join me on stage for a moment during dropping of the ball on the NYE gigs, when/if I have them.

Easy8 · #5 06-11-2008, 11:44 AM

I'm the parent of a musician. My son plays drums.

I pretty much dropped out to pursue career and family while they were younger. What got me back into playing out was a call from an old friend looking for a replacement bass player to cover them for a while. He mentioned that they were also looking for a drummer, so I said why not try us both out.

That was almost a year ago and we've done around 20 gigs together.

whitespike · #6 06-11-2008, 01:50 PM

My brother is going to have baby I've come to find out. I can guarantee you he won't slow down with music. I am about to marry for the 2nd time. The first wife didn't get it, even though we never had kids. My soon-to-be has known me since I was 15 and was in my first "rock video." I think she gets it. If not, she'll just have to leave me. If you make it an unapologetic priority from day one, it's a lot easier I think.

guitfiddle0409 · #7 06-11-2008, 01:54 PM

I found that I started playing out a lot more once my kids were in their teens.

Thunderthumbs73 · #8 06-11-2008, 01:54 PM

Fantastic, man. Kudos to you both. While I'm sure I could if I "had" to, I'd really rather not drop out of music, and that's what I'm trying to avoid. At 34, I do music less on the expectation of "making it" but simply that it is in its own way, life-saving, life-affirming, and gives me balance, and help makes life meaningful. To not be an active musician would be an incredibly huge void I'm not sure if I could ever properly fill with something else.

I'm sure I may come off as selfish in my own way, but at least I know it, and try to balance and temper it the best I can.

I'm still trying to be open to possibilities and a wider picture without losing the essentials of who I am.

Thanks for your thoughts.

kesslari · #9 06-11-2008, 02:16 PM

You can do it. You make adjustments on both sides.

I remember a gig I did when my son was 8 weeks old, and a very new band asked me to sit in with them after my set. I was holding my son, and whereas once I'd have jumped in for more stage time, I figured that I'd already had plenty of stage time, and would have plenty more, but my son would never be 8 weeks old again, and holding him right then was more important to me.

OTOH, one of my favorite moments was when my stepdaughter was 5 and came to a big gig, and spent the night proudly going back and forth between the front of house and backstage, so she could show the guard he backstage pass. She finally fell asleep behind the sidefill monitors.
She's an awesome singer now, and we've gigged together. Can't beat that.

MakiSupaStar · #10 06-11-2008, 03:14 PM

It's not impossible if you make music a part of your family.

fretlessguy · #11 06-12-2008, 04:34 AM

Being the parent of a very active 4 year old, I can tell you that , yes, things will change. Perhaps even more than it did when you got married. Do I gig as much as I used to? No. Nothing seems as important to me right now than being with my family and raising my daughter.
She is taking a real interest in music. She constantly beats on my hand rums and sings, is active in the children's choir at church, and makes up her own songs with really good melodies while playing around the house. So, my musical interests have been "redirected", and we spend quite a bit of our time singing and playing together.
I spend more time recording these days in my small project studio instead of playing out. But that is okay, and I enjoy it quite a bit. I sitll periodically play out with one group, and primarily record with the other. If music was my primary means of support I would still be as active, but since it is not, I prefer to spend more time with my family.

lefty007 · #12 06-12-2008, 07:37 AM

I play in a 10-piece band and 4 of the members have had kids since the band formed 5 years ago. We play at least two shows a week and do some traveling.

It is definitely a challenge, besides them lamenting being away from their kids, the wives can really have a saying.

I often hear them on the phone either arguing with the wives, ". . . but you are not here. . ! " or baby-talking to the kids, "...what's up, buddy, yeah, daddy will be home soon..."

And then, how do you get up early on a Saturday or Sunday morning to do stuff with the kids if you got home at 5 in the morning from the gig?

**Pacman** · #13 06-12-2008, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lefty007

And then, how do you get up early on a Saturday or Sunday morning to do stuff with the kids if you got home at 5 in the morning from the gig?

You just do. Naps are wonderful things.

It's all about priorities. Mine are my family and music. I work hard to make sure that it shows.

Thunderthumbs73 · #14 06-12-2008, 11:42 AM

Thanks ya'll. I appreciate the thoughts. Really. Maybe my buds who have dropped out aren't willing to keep the music in the mix. Or they're less driven. Or less fortunate. Or maybe they truly don't have the time. Or maybe the spoken and unspoken agreements/arrangements with the spouse doesn't allow it. Or who knows what else?

Maybe it's that those who really HAVE to do music will always find a way, no matter what. Perhaps this will be the way for me too. I feel like I could no more quit doing music than I could (voluntarily) quit breathing.

I feel a little better. Still skeptical, but this helps a bit.

Would'e? · #15 06-12-2008, 11:58 AM

I just quit the band I was playing with for the last five months last week. 90% of the reason was the rehearsal schedule (Saturday afternoons) and driving distance (about 40 minutes) to practice were in direct conflict with my desires to be with my family (wife, two kids; six and four) at that time.

Similar factors contributed to my decision to split with another group last summer.

It is hard, especially if you, like me, think your job as a parent will be the most important thing you ever do.

Luckily enough for me, I seem to have found another group of people in my neighborhood, a three minute drive away and playing the music I like to play. We are in similar situations with family and work demands and the rehearsal schedule works better too. They are great players though mostly playing covers and for fun right now, but I think this is going to work out well for me as a performance outlet.

I have personal solo recording project that I can work on when I get itching to do something original, as well another two-man recording project that a guitarist and I manage to do over the internet with occasional get togethers in the studio.

Point is, that even if you decide that music will have to take a backseat when you become a parent, where there is a will, there is a way.

txbasschik · #16 06-12-2008, 12:20 PM

I stopped playing out for a long time, but not *just* because I had a child. His father wouldn't let me play, not even at parties.

Second marriage, I got me a drummer.

We both play out weekly in our respective bands, but do not tour.

I went back to music when our little girl was 3 or 4, and my son was around 11.

It makes it easier when you're married to a musician. You may encounter some resistance, since your wife is not.

One thing you can do to mitigate that is to build yourself a good network of babysitters. That way, your wife can come along to gigs on a somewhat regular basis, and not feel left at home with baby all the time. Also, make time for family nights, and dates with your wife, outside of gigs.

This is doable if you and your wife are on the same page about it, and if you can build a truly reliable sitting network. This is key!

Cherie

txbasschik · #17 06-12-2008, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lefty007

I play in a 10-piece band and 4 of the members have had kids since the band formed 5 years ago. We play at least two shows a week and do some traveling.

It is definitely a challenge, besides them lamenting being away from their kids, the wives can really have a saying.

I often hear them on the phone either arguing with the wives, ". . . but you are not here. . ! " or baby-talking to the kids, "...what's up, buddy, yeah, daddy will be home soon..."

And then, how do you get up early on a Saturday or Sunday morning to do stuff with the kids if you got home at 5 in the morning from the gig?

When my kids were younger and got up real early, or during the school year, I just stay up. Get the dishes done, or fold laundry or whatever, then get everyone squared away for the morning.

Then I take a nap!

Cherie

Tony G · #18 06-12-2008, 12:29 PM

New parent here. My first child was born just a month ago today. My wife and I talked specifically on this subject. She knows how important music is to me, and has no problem with me playing in a band even though we now have a child. Granted my current band doesn't take up a lot of my time, but I like that. We have very short, efficient rehearsals, which in almost all my past bands hasn't been the case. When we get together, we get straight to work and it only takes us a couple of hours at most, compared to the 5-6 hour rehearsals I've had with bands in the past. My wife is a very well prepared mother, as she has been taking care of kids for a very long time, whether it was working in a day care when we were back in high school, or just baby sitting one of her four sister's kids. She knows what she's doing, and is more than happy to take care of the baby alone for a few hours here and there, and I do the same when I can as well.

Now, I know I've only been a father for a month, but so far it is working out great.

Steve Clark · #19 06-12-2008, 12:48 PM

When I met my wife in the late 80's I was at music school. I stopped playing shortly after graduating as we were very busy running a business. I started playing again in 2003, which would make my son around 10/11 at the time. Since then the schedule has gotten busier and busier. My wife my prefers being married to the musician but the business man is what pays the bills.

If I get home from a mid week session at 2 I'm still up at 6:30/7 to get my son ready for school. You make it work if you want to make it work. That said I haven't done a late bar gig for about year or more but I do enjoy popping in to the local blues jam from time to time to hang out. Most of my work is early finishing concerts or festivals. Can't complain about that.

Too be honest, since I'm not a high A win at all costs business man, not having music back in my life would have left me a miserable man, father and husband. Now my son is learning bass on his own. I think it helps our relationship a great deal.

BlacksHole · #20 06-12-2008, 12:57 PM

While I may just be in a bar band at the moment, I have always been in some kind of band (usually original music, but always in the fusion, jazz, and/or rock/blues formats). I started playing out before I was married and never stopped and now my kids are grown and out on their own. Perhaps because of kids I stopped short of doing the tour bit, but I never lost my love for playing and my kids grew up with bands usually practicing at my place. They loved having music around them and perhaps some of the bands were way too loud in the house, but they can still hear and I don't think I damaged them too much.