Conflict between friendship and who to call for the gig...

[stanhamrick]

Hi all,

Would be interested in everyone's 2 cents.

How do you - (or do you?) - stop calling the guy who you have been calling for years for a gig, who has become a friend, when you really start to prefer someone else's (drumming)(piano-playing) (whatever). How do you balance maintaining good relationships with exploring or moving on musically?

[TroyK]

I'm sure you'll get a ton of good responses to this question. Here's a few ways that I've handled it before.

First of all, I think honesty is key. It's really hard for people to truly hold a grudge if you talk to them honestly and sincerely.

On one such occasion I recall talking to that person about my desire to diversify who I was playing with. To get experience with different people. It changes my playing to spend time with someone who approaches changes or the beat differently and that I think playing with an exclusive group of people limited my own experience and growth. I'm not playing to the level that I'd like to be and I think this will help. Still want you to be one of the people I play with, but I need to make a conscious effort for a while to broaden my experience a bit.

On another; one of my closest friends, who's playing I love tends not to practice and to not put himself out there with other people. He's also not booking gigs, so I feel like he's somewhat riding my coat tails into gigs and then not having his chops together for the first few. So, if I can keep him working steady, he's great. If not, he's never ready for the call. I was very honest and gentle on that point, which he didn't refute and told him I didn't like feeling like I had that responsibility and I really wanted to play with him, but he needed to do his work. I make a point of continuing to call him when I've got an extra ticket to something or asking him if he's going to be somewhere or if wants to carpool or something so that I can demonstrate to him that my friendship to him is not in question and I repeat my honest desire to play with him again "when he's ready". He's handled it great, credit to him, but also I think to me for being really up front, but respectful.

Another example from my past, I explained this way, "I find that the other guy and I communicate very easily musically because we have similar record collections and draw from the same influences, whereas you and I are always coming from different reference points. Maybe there's a project at some point where we want that clash of influences for musical reasons, but for hard bop gigs, it's helpful to me to be more closely aligned." I think I added with all sincerity that if I was a better musician it might not matter as much, but that I have my limitations and I have to do what works for me.

These all worked out pretty well. I've had bad feelings occur the other way before, with people replacing me, but it was usually that I thought they weren't being honest or respectful with me or that they gave lip service to the friendship, but didn't really try to maintain it. I've also taken it well when people have handled it better. My feeling has always been that rock bands come with an expectation of monogamy, but jazz musicians are supposed to be seeing someone else on the side. It's healthy and I think if you handle it right, it should be fine.

It is tough, though. Especially if you know it's going to hurt them somehow to lose those gigs. But, you must do what you must do. The fact that you're considering best handling up front probably in itself means that you'll do just fine. I'll also say that over the last 10 years, every time a partnership dissolved that I was trying to hang on to, without exception, something better, that I couldn't see, was around the corner waiting for me. Staying in those not-quite-right situations really aren't good for anyone.

That's all I've got. Hope something in there is helpful.

Oh, one trailing thought. Check to see if they are on your mailing list. If they are, be considerate of what you mail out. Talking about your group's meteoric rise with a new lineup can sting. Keep in mind that the circles of musicians are small in every town and they need to save face with the rest of the scene. People should read and say "Wow, I wonder if this means that x is available now?" rather than "X had to be replaced because he wasn't able to play on that level. Good to know."

[Keyser Soze]

Great stuff, Troy.

[Ed Fuqua]

I know I've been on the receiving end of folks wanting to "hear something new", it doesn't really bug me unless I stop hearing from them outside of whatever new playing situation they're in. If we were really friends, we still be going out for beers or hanging out or whatever.

Those cats who were and are my friends, we still hang even if we don't play together that much.

[Marc Piane]

If he balks explain it is purely a business decision. The first few times it happens it stings a little. Now I don't think twice. There are all kinds of reasons why folks change personelle. It is often not personal.

[stanhamrick]

Thanks all.... I know kind honesty is the answer. I just must train myself to have the guts to do it!! And frequently it is also a question of "what is right for the room." I have already started using the "rock is monogamous, jazz sleeps around" angle... funny and gets the point across to friends and gigmates...