Okay, I need a pep talk

[TroyK]

I know what the right thing to do is. I know how to do it, but when it comes down to it, I never handle it as well as I would like to. We've got a week and I'll take any and all suggestions and encouragement.

I need to quit a band. I've got a rehearsal with them on Tuesday and a gig with them a week from tonight. Then I want gracefully out.

Theoretically a quintet, though the drummer has never shown up. I brought my favorite drummer once as a sub and 2 of the guys couldn't stop gushing about him, but guy #3 had issues. I like all the guys and everyone can play. I'm not really crazy about the material and guy #3, who won't identify himself as bandleader is completely inflexible on material and fairly negative about anything else. Guy #2 is someone who I play with on occasion in another aggregation and it's important to me to maintain that relationship. I've talked to him before about my issues and my leanings to exit, so he will understand and won't be surprised. Guy #1 (there's no significance to the #'s I'm assigning to people) is a good guy who I've known from around for a few years, never played with. I like him fine and I think he's a decent player, no issues.

Basically my reasons are:

1) I'm not crazy about the material and I'm not up for a fight over it. I've got other opportunities to play, so there's no reason to play music I don't love.

2) I don't like the vibe. Hard to explain, but I'm sure some of you understand. Guys 1&3 are pretty good friends and they are pretty blunt and harsh with one another. Fine for them, I don't enjoy it and I get some of the same treatement, but I'm not that good of friends with them. There's a general negativity around that one guy, who really started the band, so I don't want to organize a coup. He hates a bunch of stuff that other people love and has no sensitivity about saying so. He's a bit of a gear geek (which I think can really kill a vibe). He can't be bothered to learn **** that other people want to play, but has pretty rigid expectations of everyone else learning his favorite Pat Methany tune that no one else cares about. Just a negative vibe and I don't want to spend my time that way.

3) I have serious doubts that this band will go anywhere. I had that feeling from the very first week when they started the month long (yet unresolved) debate on what the band name would be. I felt like I was in Jr. High again, where we debated names and what we were going to wear and talked about our stage show, but didn't actually own instruments or know how to play them. It feels like situations I've seen before that drain a lot of time and energy (and require a lot of rehearsal), but don't actually become working projects. Plus, from my own experience, a quintet that is inflexible about it's material is tough to book in Seattle. Takes up too much space, too many mouths to feed, too much sound for a lot of places and honestly most people don't appreciate the wonders of that highly complex, highly arranged tune that you've spent a year on and they don't really understand because they're not a musician..or a mathmatician.

So, I can see it being a big, negative time drain and I am wise enough at this point to know that I need to walk away. From past experience, if I don't then at best, I have a joy-less experience and at worst I end up not playing well and vibing them back and end up being the problem to the band, ironically.

My plan is to play the gig with them (it's a scaled down trio gig) next Monday and then tell them on the spot that I'm out. They will not be happy, they like my playing and want me in the band. I think me leaving will be their first of many failures. But I need to not talk myself out of it and I'd like to leave gracefully without burning (m)any bridges. Specifically, I need to extract the piano player out of this group for future use. I am playing with him at the end of the month with some different guys, so that should help.

Hit me with 1) pep talk 2) advice on what to and what not to say. I don't promise to use it all, but promise to consider.

And if this sounds like an ideal situation for any of you Seattle bassists, then step right up and I'll put you in touch!

[two fingers]

Do it! Get out! You sound like a very respectful guy. I'm sure you wil handle it in a respectful way. Life is too short! Especially if you have other opportunities, let it go. You may want to have a talk with "guy #2" before hand. Just give him a little heads up. Tell him what you told us (about maintaining a relationship and enjoying playing with etc.) Good luck! You have thought this through! You are right! Again, Life's too short! Happy trails!

(That wasn't too peppy was it. I hate it when it's TOO peppy.)

[Marcus Johnson]

"Thanks, guys, it's been great, but now it's time for me to move on.... I have numbers of other bassists if you need them. Best of luck to you". Catch the pianist on the sly, and say "let's talk". All this after the playing's done, of course.

If any of the individuals need further explanation, tell them you'll call them, or meet them for a coffee in a day or two (they have coffee in Seattle, don't they? ), and say what you've said here. Most likely they'll have figured it out by then anyway..... but if not, they need to hear it. Smile on your face the whole time, in a calm voice.

Time to go play with grownups.

[Treyzer]

I thinks Sting said it best when he said something like, "Bands are like a marriage. However, in a marriage when you have fights, you can resolve your issues by making love....not so much in a band.. So resolving issues in a band is harder!"

Troy, sounds like you are on the right track. Bottom line, just be professional. Don't get caught up in the high school vibe of it all. Leave on good terms with everyone and if that's not possible then it's their problem.

For me it's very basic. If you're not having fun and/or your not being paid major bucks, what's the point?

[zeytoun]

I feel your frustration. I just quit my band last week. Surprisingly similar dynamics. The only difference was I loved the material, so it was a hard call for me at first.

It's like a dysfunctional relationship, and it makes you question your own sanity.

I quit via email. Since I had already fruitlessly tried to discuss and resolve any band issues, I didn't really feel the need to bring anything up. I said (paraphrase): It's not working out. I value your friendship. In the interest of preserving friendship, I think I should step down from the band. No hard feelings.

The only thing I would worry about is whether right after a gig was the best timing (unless the gig is a no-big-deal thing to each of them). If playing the gig is a big deal to any of them, it just might make the whole thing a little overwhelming, whereas if you quit via email, or phone call a day or two after, it might be a little easier. Just a thought.

You're a cool cat, and you'll do fine. You're sane. You'll be better off. Make your decisions now about what you will and won't put up with in the future and stick to them. If I hear any future bandmate discussing gig outfits or how to describe our genre before we've recorded a song, prepared a set, or scored a gig I am going to run screaming for the hills.

And remember, just like any time you ended a romantic relationship, you will question yourself about whether you made the right decision, no mater how dysfunctional the relationship was.

[zeytoun]

Originally Posted by Marcus Johnson

"Thanks, guys, it's been great, but now it's time for me to move on.... I have numbers of other bassists if you need them. Best of luck to you". Catch the pianist on the sly, and say "let's talk". All this after the playing's done, of course.

If any of the individuals need further explanation, tell them you'll call them, or meet them for a coffee in a day or two (they have coffee in Seattle, don't they? ), and say what you've said here. Most likely they'll have figured it out by then anyway..... but if not, they need to hear it. Smile on your face the whole time, in a calm voice.

Time to go play with grownups.

Class act.

(and the last line is the best pep talk line I've heard. Ever)

[TroyK]

Thanks guys. Keep it coming.

I'm not going to do it in email. They need to see me smiling and hear the soothing sound of my voice. I also don't want to get into it before the gig because they need me to play and I agreed to do so, but I don't want to let time go by afterward. I have been guilty in the past of meaning to break up with a band (or a girlfriend) for months and never finding the right moment.

I don't think this gig is a big deal to anyone (I could be wrong about that), but at the same time, I don't want to make the vibe worse before we play.

[jlilley]

Troy,
We've talked about this 'band' and I think that getting out is the right choice for you. My feelings are that if you keep it about the music, it is going to be hard to burn any bridges. You are equally passionate (but not so closed minded) about the music you love and leaving to pursue that music is something I think most musicians can understand. Explain that you just not feeling it and like Marcus said offer up some other bassist's numbers (just not mine....) I'm sure it will all work out.
John

[TroyK]

"You guys should call John! He'd love to play with you!" Got it, thanks. []

[wineaux]

Troy,

Play your butt off at that gig and then just make it short and sweet. No need to get into specifics, just say it's time for you to move on.

You can have a more detailed discussion with No. 2 when you feel the time is right -- maybe, as you say, giving him a heads up in advance.

Good luck.

[Chris Fitzgerald]

Think abut how you'd want someone to do it if they were quitting your band, then do that. Do it in a way that lets you sleep at night and look both these guys and your friendly neighborhood mirror in the eye in the future, and when that presents an unpleasantness in the immediate task of quitting, suck it up and do it anyway. Do what you'd respect in somebody else, and all will be fine. Good luck!

[Tony F]

I think I'd personally go with something like "Guys, it's been a good experience, but I think I need to call it a day here. My circumstances have changed and I'd rather be upfront with you now than let you down later. I'll talk to some bass pals and see if anyone can help you out in the meantime. Stay in touch, ok?"

And with that, ride off into the sunset!

Cheers,

Tony

[Jason Sypher]

Trust your instincts. I think you've got a grip on the situation. Be clear, be honest and get out. Life is too short to play music in situations that don't feel right.

[fingers]

Originally Posted by Jason Sypher

Be clear, be honest and get out. Life is too short to play music in situations that don't feel right.

+1.

I'm a man of few words in these situations too. Mostly because I end up digging a hole for myself.

[TroyK]

Originally Posted by Jason Sypher

Life is too short to play music in situations that don't feel right.

That is absolutely freakin' right. I talked to the piano player tonight and told him that I was out after the Monday gig and was frank with him about my reasons, which didn't have to do with him and he completely understood. We have 2 other things lined up with each other this month that don't involve this band at all. I told him I didn't want to talk to the other guy until after our gig next week, just because I didn't want it to get in the way of the music.

He offered to let me off the hook for next week's gig, but I said no, I was fine with playing it and I wanted us to sound good and have a good experience...but then I was gone.

I think the dumbass who is actually in the middle of this will be surprised after I talk to him next week. Too bad really, it would be better if he was tuned it, but then we might not have a problem. At any rate, I'll handle it frankly, but gingerly and try to be concise, but resolute. Offer placement help if I can, wish him well, all that.

The trumpet player is this group is actually out of the country right now. Good guy, don't know him that well, this is the first time I've been in a project with him. I'll email him after I've talked to the others and let him know and offer to buy him a beer when he gets back if he would like, but all the best and all that.

I'm feeling better already.

...but now all my equipment is conspiring against me...but I'll save that for another thread.

[Heifetzbass]

FWIW- I have never quit a band and thought, "Wow- I really shouldn't have done that."

[Muusers]

Obligatory picture.

[Michael Glynn]

Hey Troy,

I've had to quit bands for similar reasons, and it's never fun, but on the other hand, I've only ever had 2 outcomes:

1. Everyone is cool and professional and you leave on friendly terms. You are happy for having left when and how you did.

2. People flip out, and you realize even more what a good thing it was to get out. You are happy for having left when and how you did.

See? It's a win-win situation. You just hope the other guys are grown-up about it, too.

[TroyK]

Thanks, Michael and everyone. Stay tuned, my hand is getting forced a little quicker than I had planned and I think I'll be out before the week is over.

[Jake deVilliers]

Is Ilsa okay?