Anyone got any good bass/bassist jokes?

[urbanite11]

I figured, since this is a bass humour/etc forum, it's surprising that there isn't a thread for bass jokes.

And plus, I figured that it'd be pretty cool for me to break in a few bass jokes around my mates, who think that bass is frankly a bit boring.

I ain't very good at telling jokes, but here's one I found on t'Internets.

<Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?>

Share your jokes!

[Fassa Albrecht]

Now I've got a load-

How can you tell the stage is level at a gig?
The bassist drools outta both sides of their mouth.

What did the bassist get on his IQ test?
Drool.

What's black, blue and lying in a ditch?
A bassist after telling too many drummer jokes.

A double bassist is called to a gig. He arrives late to be greeted by the conductor. The conductor says to him "We're about to start". The bassist picks up his bow and goes to start. the conductor then says "Seena s you missed the soundcheck, would you like some time to tune?" The bassist responds "Isn't it the same as last year?"

Some explorers come to a jungle village. All night and day they can hear the sound of drums. The leader of the expedition asks the chief of the village "Why can we hear drums?" The chief responds "Drum good.When drums stop, very bad".
One day, the drums stop. All the natives come out screaming and shouting. The expedition leader grabs hold of a boy and asks him "What is the fuss?!" The boy responds "Drums stop very bad..when they stop.......BASS SOLO!"


Just remembered another one (a two parter).

What happens when the drummer stops playing?
There's a bass solo.

What happens when the bass starts playing?
No-one knows cause everyone talks through it!

[Baryonyx]

Did you hear about the guy who didn't like Jaco?

no.

[iceshaft07]

This is something my rhythm guitarist told me. It went something like this (FYI, this is offensive towards bassist, but I still find it funny):

A kid wanted to learn an instrument so his father recommended the bass. He bought the kid a bass and some lessons.

After the first lesson the father asked "What did you learn from your instructor?"
The kid responded "The E string."

After the second lesson the father asked "What did you learn from your instructor?"
The kid responded "The A string."

After the third lesson the father asked "What did you learn from your instructor?"
The kid responded "I didn't go. I played a show instead."

[Lalabadie]

Did you hear about the band who forgot their keys in the car before the gig?

It took an hour to get the bassist out.

-

Why is there a bassist in most bands?

To translate what's happening to the drummer.

[moogboy]

how do you get a Bass Player to turn down?

give him a chart

-

how many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1.None, they let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2.theres a bassist?
3.One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4.Six, One to change it, and 5 to fight of the Lead Guitarists who are trying to steal the light.

taken from this site: http://www.mit.edu:8001/people/jcb/o...ent-jokes.html
that site will give you SERIOUS ammo for all instruments!

[fourstringgirl]

Originally Posted by moogboy

how many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1.None, they let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2.theres a bassist?
3.One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4.Six, One to change it, and 5 to fight of the Lead Guitarists who are trying to steal the light.

taken from this site: http://www.mit.edu:8001/people/jcb/o...ent-jokes.html
that site will give you SERIOUS ammo for all instruments!

I just have to do the guitarist version of that joke:

How many lead guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?


Eight. One to actually change the bulb and seven more to stand around saying, "I could have done it better."


And one for your lead singers:

How do you get the lead singer off the front porch?


Give him the money for the pizza.


Tee hee hee!!

[Smilinsteve]

Whats the difference between a bassplayer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four....



How many female lead singers does it take to change a light bulb.?

One...all she has to do is hold onto it and the universe revolves around her.

[spc]

How can you tell when a bass player is out of tune?

-His fingers are moving


Hear about the guy who left a banjo in his car?

-He came back and there were two!

[BrandonBass]

what is a bass?

[fourstringgirl]

Originally Posted by BrandonBass

what is a bass?

Is it a game fish??

[skywalkerla5]

Originally Posted by spc

How can you tell when a bass player is out of tune?

-His fingers are moving


Hear about the guy who left a banjo in his car?

-He came back and there were two!

i might be stupid but i dont get these.

[spc]

Originally Posted by skywalkerla5

i might be stupid but i dont get these.

IOW whenever a bass players fingers are moving (whenever he's playing!) he's out of tune...

and the banjo thing means that banjos suck so much that when the dude left one in his car, it wasn't stolen, someone left another alongside it that he didn't want..


dig?


shawn

[Hoover Johnson]

Originally Posted by skywalkerla5

i might be stupid but i dont get these.

Well the second one wasn't told very well.

Ya supposed to say he left a banjo in his car and when he came out the next morning, the back window was smashed: Someone had put two more banjoes in the car

[ding_man]

Sorry for telling jokes about other instruments but...

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

[andruca]

Ok, here's a very nice one:

There's 50$ on the floor in the center of a rehearse room. On the corners, there's a keyboardist, a bad bassist, a drummer and a good bassist. Who picks up the money?

CORRECT ANSWER: THE BAD BASSIST!!!!

Why not...?
THE GOOD BASSIST: because good bassists simply don't exist.
THE DRUMMER: because you'd have to repeat "there's 50$ on the floor" three times for him to understand.
THE KEYBOARDIST: because he wouldn't move a finger for less than 200$.

Not bass joke, but closely related:

How do you make a sax player stop playing?
YOU TAKE THE MUSIC SHEETS AWAY FROM HIM

How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
YOU SHOW HIM SOME MUSIC SHEETS

ANDRUCA

[Scatterblak]

I just posted this one in another thread, but it belongs here:

...so this drummer decides he's ready to take his skillset to the next level by taking a few weeks to go to Africa, study the ancient tribal rhythms, and explore himself and his playing on a spiritual level. He books a flight and plans a 3 week trip; when he arrives, as soon as he gets off the plane, he can hear, far, far off in the distance, 'boomp badda badda bomp badda bommp bomp boomp..' - the faint, far away sounds of ancient tribal rhythms filtering through the bustle of of city life, even near the airport. Mystified, he asks his cabbie on teh way to his hotel room: "Hey man, what are those drums I can hear in the distance?" His cabbie looks in the mirror, and cryptically offers this simple reply: "Mana, the drums, dey got to play, always. Always." The days pass, and the drummer travels into the bush, and listens and learns. He grows physicially learning new patterns and rhythms. He grows mentally, centering himself within a newfound focus garnered from extended periods spent in the proximity of the ancient masters of rhythm, who learned to play from their fathers before them, over thousands of years. He grows spiritually, realizing how his instrument is simply an extension of his soul, and he gains new insight on how to use his ever growing skills to reach, move and heal listeners of all kinds. And all through his travels, he continues to hear the faint 'boomp badda badda bomp badda bommp bomp boomp..' of the ancient drums in the distance. Regardless of who he asks, however, the answer remains the same regarding the persistent presence of the ancient drums in the distance: "The drums, dey got to play. Always." Eventually, his time runs short, and he begins his journey home. As he approaches the airport in the cab, his mind is awhirl with newfound knowledge. Windows down, he enjoys the wind, the sights, the smells, and the faint sounds of the ever-present ancient drums in the distance. Suddenly, just as the airport comes into view: 'bidda bidda, boppa boppa, bunda bunda, BOMP.', and the ancient drums stop. He sees the cabbies eyes go wide, as he signals and pulls the cab to the side of the road. Elswhere, the drummer can see others reacting - other cars pulling over, women picking up their babies, covering their ears and wailing, doors slamming, shopkeepers shooing patrons from their stalls as children run for their parents. The frantic drummer asks his cabbie "What is it? What does it mean? What's happening?? What does it mean when the drums stop??" The cabbie, who's resting face-down on his crossed arms, resting on the steering wheel. The cabbie raises his head and, with an expression of infinite sadness in his yellowing eyes, says "Bass Solo."

[dave_bass5]

Originally Posted by Scatterblak

I just posted this one in another thread, but it belongs here:

...so this drummer decides he's ready to take his skillset to the next level by taking a few weeks to go to Africa, study the ancient tribal rhythms, and explore himself and his playing on a spiritual level. He books a flight and plans a 3 week trip; when he arrives, as soon as he gets off the plane, he can hear, far, far off in the distance, 'boomp badda badda bomp badda bommp bomp boomp..' - the faint, far away sounds of ancient tribal rhythms filtering through the bustle of of city life, even near the airport. Mystified, he asks his cabbie on teh way to his hotel room: "Hey man, what are those drums I can hear in the distance?" His cabbie looks in the mirror, and cryptically offers this simple reply: "Mana, the drums, dey got to play, always. Always." The days pass, and the drummer travels into the bush, and listens and learns. He grows physicially learning new patterns and rhythms. He grows mentally, centering himself within a newfound focus garnered from extended periods spent in the proximity of the ancient masters of rhythm, who learned to play from their fathers before them, over thousands of years. He grows spiritually, realizing how his instrument is simply an extension of his soul, and he gains new insight on how to use his ever growing skills to reach, move and heal listeners of all kinds. And all through his travels, he continues to hear the faint 'boomp badda badda bomp badda bommp bomp boomp..' of the ancient drums in the distance. Regardless of who he asks, however, the answer remains the same regarding the persistent presence of the ancient drums in the distance: "The drums, dey got to play. Always." Eventually, his time runs short, and he begins his journey home. As he approaches the airport in the cab, his mind is awhirl with newfound knowledge. Windows down, he enjoys the wind, the sights, the smells, and the faint sounds of the ever-present ancient drums in the distance. Suddenly, just as the airport comes into view: 'bidda bidda, boppa boppa, bunda bunda, BOMP.', and the ancient drums stop. He sees the cabbies eyes go wide, as he signals and pulls the cab to the side of the road. Elswhere, the drummer can see others reacting - other cars pulling over, women picking up their babies, covering their ears and wailing, doors slamming, shopkeepers shooing patrons from their stalls as children run for their parents. The frantic drummer asks his cabbie "What is it? What does it mean? What's happening?? What does it mean when the drums stop??" The cabbie, who's resting face-down on his crossed arms, resting on the steering wheel. The cabbie raises his head and, with an expression of infinite sadness in his yellowing eyes, says "Bass Solo."

WOW, you typed all that just to repeat the joke in post #2 but with a few hundred more words

[Britsie]

Thankx for the summary Dave.

[Scatterblak]

Originally Posted by dave_bass5

WOW, you typed all that just to repeat the joke in post #2 but with a few hundred more words

And a few hundred times better. It's all in the delivery.