Band phrase book.

[Sneakypete]

Would it be useful for newbies if those of us with a few bands under our belts compiled a phrase book? This would translate Bandspeak (BS, how appropriate) to Plain English (PE).
Here are a few to start with;
BS; "Our genre is post experimental shoegaze". PE; We sound like a POS.
BS; "Everyone has to help out with transport to practice and gigs". PE; We know your Dad owns a van.
Guitar BS; "I want a huge sound so need to be miked up through the PA". PE; I have a 5W practice amp.
Guitar BS; "I don't go for cheap gear - all mine is high end". PE; I'm a spoiled brat.
BS; "We do our own special cover versions". PE; We don't know how to play the hard bits.
BS; "We're looking for an experienced frontman". PE; We don't have our own PA".
BS; "We all share band expenses like practice space rental". PE; You'll have to pay for the drummer - he's always broke.

Let's have your suggestions please.

[Waffles and Scotch]

BS: "Just be yourself!" PE: "If you don't look and act the way we want, we're kicking you out!"

[TolerancEJ]

BS: "Use a 4-string bass only." = PE: "If you use any other string, we won't have a clue which note you've played."

[Jim Nazium]

BS: Our style is a mix of rock, jazz, funk, reggae, latin and wolrd music.
PE: We play 3-chord rock, just like everyone else.

[renobassman]

BS: We write some of our own material, but we mostly just play covers for now.

PE: We're a cover band.

[TolerancEJ]

BS: "We've got 3 Albums and in the midst on a 4th." = PE: "We've made 3 demos, all of which rejected by labels, so we're making a 4th attempt."

[HeadyVan Halen]

BS: "Were in the middle of a project right now.."
PE: "It's been 3 years, 7 months and 2 weeks and we have a really bad mix of 3 songs we forgot how to play with guys that don't live in this state anymore."

BS: "Bro, i'm just a groove player, ya know..?"
PE: "I can't solo."

[renobassman]

BS: We're not the greatest musicians, but we have great energy.

PE: We suck and we're loud

[Muttleybass]

BS "It's JAZZ, man."
PE "I screwed up and refuse to admit it"

[carl h.]

Originally Posted by HeadyVan Halen

BS: "Bro, i'm just a groove player, ya know..?"
PE: "I can't solo."

Hey cool, I'm a groove player!!

[TolerancEJ]

Originally Posted by renobassman

BS: We're not the greatest musicians, but we have great energy.

PE: We suck and we're loud

lol

[hudpucker]

BW: "Playing all your favorite hits!"

PE: Just another classic rock cover band.

[GeoffT]

BW: Classic rock band looking for ....

PE: We grew up in the 70s, no good music has been recorded since, none. We do not play anything more recent with the exception of bands that were around back in the 70s or bands that toured with the bands from the 70s (plus it would mean we have to learn new songs which we refuse to do).

[pklima]

BW: "We value an open mind when it comes to music"
PE: "We hope you have really low standards because if you don't you'll probably ditch us next week"

BW: "We need a creative bassist"
PE: "We need someone who won't complain about playing the same four notes for 25 minutes while the singer tries a dozen different variations of the lyrics to one verse"

BW: "We're great friends"
PE: "We don't have any fans, leaving us with nobody to talk to except for each other"

BW: "We're very dedicated"
PE: "We don't have any paying gigs or any groupies, and we're hoping you're too dumb to notice that you could ditch us for a band that does have those"

BW: "We have a complete album recorded that just needs vocals"
PE: "We started recording an album and it turned out the vocalist sucked and could not be fixed with any amount of autotune, so now we're stuck with a big studio bill and a dozen tracks we'll never be able to use"

BW: "I have over 20 songs written and recorded, and am ready to fill out the lineup and play them live"
PE: "I have no social skills, will never be able to function in a band with other people, and will never play live in my life"

BW: "Nobody plays good music anymore"
PE: "We don't know about what anybody else plays, but we definitely don't play good music"

BW: "I don't know if this song is popular enough"
PE: "I think this song is too difficult for me to learn, and I'm going to suggest we do something less popular instead"

BW: "Can you solo?"
PE: "I hope you can't, but I'm going to solo way too often, way too long and way too boring."

BW: "We're not out to make money but if we do make some that would be great"
PE: "We want to be successful but know we're not good enough for that, so we accept failure in advance"

[Hotblack]

BS: We hoping to perform in a showcase for industry executives soon.
PE: We embody every rock and pop cliche of the past 20 years.

BS: I'm a singer/songwriter.
PE: I write songs about my emotions that make others want to go deaf.

BS: We want to retain our pop sensibility.
PE: We will do whatever anyone in a suit tells us to do.

BS: Don't spend too much time on it. Play from the gut.
PE: Play the root.

[monkeyking]

BS: Everyone does their homework.
PE: You'll be teaching us all the new songs.

[Fassa Albrecht]

Oh man, this thread is hilarious!

[Stumbo]

BS: We rehearse every Wednesday for 4 hours and all of us are best friends so we're a really tight band.
PE: We get together for 4 hours every Wednesday but 3 out of the 4 hours is spent toking, smoking, drinking and generally stinking up the place, personally, musically and grammatically.

[Jim Nazium]

Originally Posted by pklima

BW: "We need a creative bassist"
PE: "We need someone who won't complain about playing the same four notes for 25 minutes while the singer tries a dozen different variations of the lyrics to one verse"

Alternate translation of "We need a creative bassist":
We need your bass lines to be the only part of our 3-chord rock songs that are remotely interesting

[E.J. T.N.T.]

Originally Posted by Stumbo

BS: We rehearse every Wednesday for 4 hours and all of us are best friends so we're a really tight band.
PE: We get together for 4 hours every Wednesday but 3 out of the 4 hours is spent toking, smoking, drinking and generally stinking up the place, personally, musically and grammatically.

Been there, it hurt...