Best Bass and Musician Jokes

[bassman_al]

So I did a few searches and could not find a thread that was just devoted to bass and bassist jokes. So lets have 'em here! Old ones, new ones, any ones.

I know that there are a lot of good (and not so good) jokes posted in various threads. I thought it would be fun to get a bunch under one thread.

I'll start it off with one that is old. I had never heard it before, and so even though many have already heard it, I'll repeat it here for those who might not have.

"Jungle drums"
A guy arrives on a tropical island for a two-week vacation. When he gets off the plane he hears the sound of drums way off in the distance. Confused and slightly annoyed, he goes to his hotel.

When he gets to his hotel he can still hear the drums in the background. Wherever he goes, the beach, the restaurant, all he can hear is boom boom boom coming from the hills. It keeps him awake the whole first night.

In the morning he goes down to the hotel reception and asks how can he get the drums to stop. "No. No" cries the receptionist "Drums must never stop."

"Why" he asks.

"Drums must never stop" was his answer. No further explanation from the clearly rattled reception clerk.

That night, and for the next 4 nights, same thing. And same answer from the hotel reception clerk. The man was getting equally annoyed by the drums and confused by the answer from the clerk.

Finally, on the 5th night, the drums stopped. That morning the man went to the clerk, smiling. "Thank goodness that drumming has stopped! Now I can get some peace and quiet, and some sleep."

The reception clerk stared at the man, mortified. "No, no no. This terrible thing. No drums, terrible, terrible!" With that the clerk quickly ran out the door and sped away in his car, leaving his station unattended. His assistant at the next reception station stood, with the same blank, terrified look. The man looked at the assistant and asked, "why is everyone so terrified that the drumming has stopped?"

The assistant looked him in the eye and said in the most hollow voice the man had ever heard, "Drums stop. Now come bass solo."

Here are a few more:

A young child says to its mother, "Mum, when I grow up I'd like to be
a musician." She replies, "Well dear, you know you can't do
both."



Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A: A tattoo.



Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.



Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ Test?

A: Saliva.



Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless*.


Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?

A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.



Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?

A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.



Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?*
A: It saves time in the long run.



Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large
pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.



Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?

A: About three decibels.



Q: What is another term for trombone?

A: A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.



Q: Why do drummers leave their drumsticks on the dashboard?

A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.



Q: Why do people play trombone?

A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same
time.



Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?

A: Alone.


Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?

A: A music critic.


Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?

A: Put it in a viola case.



Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?

A: You can tune a chainsaw*.



Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?

A: "Is that the banjo player's Porsche outside?"



Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.



Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?

A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.



Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?

A: Both command immediate attention, alarm and force everyone to move
out
of range.



Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby
elephant?

A: Eleven pounds.


Q: Why are violists fingers like lightning?

A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"

Friend: "I hope so."

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting
orchestra player to become a soloist.



Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you
find it
again.



Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
pitch..

Did you hear about the tenor who was so arrogant the other tenors
noticed?


Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?

A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?

A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.



Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A: A vocalist.



Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?

A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?

A: They're all dead.



Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?

A: His amp.



Q: How do you get a three-piece horn section to play in tune?

A: Shoot two of them.



Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?

A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.



Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?

A: Night manager at McDonalds.



Q: Why are violas larger than violins?

A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.



Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?

A: They're both commit murder on the high Cs.*





Q: "How can you tell a sax player at a party?"
A: "Because he is the one telling everyone he is a sax player"*

*adapted from a skydivers joke

[iriegnome]

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

or

How do you get two bassists to play in unison?
Shoot one.

[iriegnome]

ok ok ok.. I know.. I just really liked this one - -

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

[phmike]

This was forwarded to me by a friend and I do not know the original author.
(includes ref about bass player)

HOW JAZZ WORKS

List of Characters:

Piano:
Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.

Bass:
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.

Drums:
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.

Saxophone:
Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.

Trumpet:
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who lays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.

Guitar:
Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.

Vocals:
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy". Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine", "Summertime", and "Route 66". Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you--and the rest of the audience—by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager".

Trombone:
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig"? Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.

[TolerancEJ]

I'm not really into <insert instrument player> jokes. This isn't really a joke, as much as a vague recollection of a discussion with a guy that wanted to (or claimed to) play drums many years ago. I can't even remember the person's name because I only met him the one time.

He was new & probably not familar with music terminology yet. Actually, I'm not sure if he even owned a set yet. To set the scene mentality of that time period, a lot of people suddenly started playing music in our town. A bunch of local bands started up, some local shows arranged, etc, so it was popular at that time for someone to say they're learning to play or they would just claim to already play an instrument. He had been telling people he had a drumset on order for months, which was false.

I was giving the guy a ride home. My friends were also in the car, who had told me in advance about him having a ficticious drumset on order. During the drive, one thing he told us was that he plays the double bass pedals. I asked him if he tried the Snare yet. Others in the car chimed in to ask about the Hi-Hat, Toms or Cymbals. :P

In a related story regarding the same person, another friend had a discussion with him. That person told my friend that he was saving up to buy a new Rimshot for his drumset. lol

[tharv]

Originally Posted by bassman_al

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?

A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

sig worthy!

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by tharv

sig worthy!

I sent that via text to our bandleader. We've been having some drummer problems, mostly, about how long before set time is appropriate to show up at a gig. 5 minutes after is not correct.

[dalkowski]

Mac: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
Tosh: No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Glen: What's the difference between bagpipes and a snow shovel (or lawn mower, or rake, or drill...)?
Fiddich: Your neighbor returns your bagpipes.

Oh, and to the OP: A clarinet in and of itself is effective birth control.

[woolysock]

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: You toss an accordion in to dumpster and it lands on a ukelele.

Q: What has three legs and an ******* on top?
A: A drum stool.

[bassman_al]

Good jokes guys! Thanks for the laughs, keep 'em coming!

[AnnieSocial]

Q: What kind of car does a guitarist drive?
A: Whatever his girlfriend's father bought her...

[klyph]

Q: What's the difference between a bluegrass banjo and a tenor banjo?

A: The tenor banjo burns faster.

[Stumbo]

Lots of joke threads on TB! For some reason it seems that if you search for "light bulb", a whole bunch of them pop up. Don't know why.

mean bass player jokes
Good Music Jokes
How many heavy metal guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Some awesome jokes that I found to be hilarious.
This joke is hilarious, and is very simaliler to TB
How many lead guitar players does it take?
How many Bass players to change a lightbulb?

[capnsandwich]

Q.How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. None. they have a machine to do it.

Q. How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

[Stilettoprefer]

The bassist locked his keys in his car.... It took him 3 hours to get the drummer out....

[kesslari]

THE BOOK OF JOBBING PART IV GOD CREATES SIDEMEN
================================================
And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for suitable
Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; for in those days there
were not many, and those that he could find were already working. Some
worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some had the house gig at The
Walls of Jericho. And many played behind the scat-singing team of
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago.

So Nebulon did return to the Lord and saith, "Lord, there are many
musicians, but no Sidemen!." And the Lord did say, "Shmuck ! Have you
looked everywhere? Did you call the Union ?" And Nebulon did say, "Lord,
I have looked high and low, especially low, and only one or two could I
find. What shall I do?" And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils,
saying, "Leave me to think on this!" And just to buy some time he did
also visit a plague of locusts on Egypt.

And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth over the
land, commanding them to find him some Sidemen. And the Angels did go to
the four corners of the earth, but the only unemployed Sideman they could
find was one holy man in India who did play the Horn With The Slide.

The Angels did return to the Lord with the bad news, and filled with wrath
he was. "How can this be? At one time the world did teem with Sidemen,
as a dead oxen does with maggots!" And the Angels did say, "Lord, many
left the business, some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will work
for another Leader." So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while he
thought, and the answer came to him.

He did recall that there was a factory, part of his Beasts Of The Field,
Inc., division, that was in disuse. For it had been used to create golems,
for which there had been no great demand, and so He had closed down the
operation. And He thought, We can retool, and start turning out Sidemen.

And so it was done, and the Sidemen started rolling off the assembly line.
But somehow a remnant of the golem program remained, and the Sidemen did
come out acting unpredictably. Some stammered and stuttered, some talked
to themselves under their breath, and some would not bathe. Some refused
to shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and some refused to wear
the Jobbing Toga. And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their
chariots in between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past,
with ruffles. And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land
aimlessly looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of the
hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose. And some loved the
fermented nectar of dates, and some the wine of pressed grapes, and some
loved the burning of hemp. And some were created without ears, and some
with knuckles where their eyebrows should be. And some did worship the
gods Trane, Dolphy, Bird, Rashaan, Hodges, Bechet, Mahavishnu and Ornette,
and mocked their Leaders. And some did steal food from the buffet line,
yea, even before the Guests had dined. And some did try to lay with the
Chick Singers, and some with the Guests. And some did not Read, and some
could only Read, and not Blow. And some had no social skills, and some
had no musical skills. And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of
the skin, but in the Outlook on Life.

But every once in a while the line did produce a Perfect Sideman: One who
followed orders without question, one who showed up on time, one who wore
the Toga, one whose chariot always ran, one who Knew Tunes. But these
Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides their eyes were
glazed, and they were shunned, for they were Boring, AND- they knew not
how to Hang.

And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for Gigs,
complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally stabbing each other
in the back.

And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said, "It will do. "

[Jimbob Jones]

So a third-desk viola player is clearing out his attic one day and he comes across an old lamp he doesn't recognise. As he tries to wipe some of the dust off, a genie pops out, offering to grant him three wishes.

He thinks for a moment and says, 'I want to be a better musician than I am now.' The genie simply nods, and the violist doesn't feel any different.

At the next orchestra practice, the viola player was promoted to second desk! When he gets home, the violist rubs the lamp a second time, asking to be an even better musician than he currently is. Again, the genie nods and says nothing.

Next practice, the violist finds himself in the lead seat! After practice, the violist rushes home and excitedly rubs the lamp for his final wish, yet again asking to be a better musician. For the third and final time, the genie nods and says nothing.

On the way to practice, the viola player can barely contain hes excitement about being an even better musician. When he arrives, what was his new position?

Last desk violin.


And a couple of one liners for y'all:

What's the range of an accordian?
Depends on how good your arm is.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, he holds the new bulb in the air and the whole world revolves around him.

How do you know you're talking to a trumpet player?
He greets you with 'Hi, I'm better than you'.

What's the difference between an alto and a bulldog?
Lipstick.

[lazerbrains]

Good ones guys!

Q: What does the drummer say when he gets to his gig?
A: "You want fries with that?"

Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: About 5 yards if you got a good arm.

[voodoobassist]

Q. What's the difference between a dead chicken on the side of the road, and a banjo player on the side of the road?

A. The chicken was on his way to a paying gig.

[pasta4lnch]

Q: what's the worst part about being a keyboard player in a rock band?

A: telling your parents you're gay!


Q: why do they give drummers slightly more brains than horses?

A: so they don't sh#$%t on the streets during the parades