| A Biblico-Musical Parable
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I constantly get made fun of for being a bass player in my band...here is the latest joke passed along by the guitar player. 7 string soloists will be amused.
A Biblico-Musical Parable
by Tony Levin
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision,
but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway,
it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was
very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all
(though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to
play the bass.
And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red,
and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and
the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments
(thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God
heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo, it
was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said,
"Go man, go." And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to
practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him
a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes
rippled like a breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He
had created earlier. It also sounded something like
the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was
not so pleased.
And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new
ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of
funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran
about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance,
but that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And
He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I
wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass
parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew
not to mess with it.
But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took
the frets off of the bass which God had created.
And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play
melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the
man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high
melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens
rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.
Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.
And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall
create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher
than you can even think of."
"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall
play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall
make you to always stand next to the drummer."
"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to
make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the
earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and
faster than the bass."
"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this: that all the other
musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low
notes.
And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" -
but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you
you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their
bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy
licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."
"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the
bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."
And it was so. | 
