Curse of the bass player

[Lesfunk]

THE CURSE OF THE BASS PLAYER

In the beginning there was a bass.

It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz -
nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ...definitely pre- C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was
very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men
would later try.)

And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. and lo
the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red,
and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note
rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments
(thus reverb came to be.)

And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his
handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo
it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go."
And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to
do, the man came to practice upon the bass.

And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he
did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze
through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which
had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement
of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so
pleased.

And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the
voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he
slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens
shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of
the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became
Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I
wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the
bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it.
But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high.
The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created.
And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play
melodies high upon' the neck.

And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the
Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks.
And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled
and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the
man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I
shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you
can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth
the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache,
and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps
to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other
instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster
than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be
this: that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player,
for the low notes.

And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow"
but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're
ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their
bands.

And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you
shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you
finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go
to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.

[esoxhntr]

Brilliant. I stand in awe!

[MonetBass]

LOL! Good stuff, Les.

[DutchDude]

LOL that was the best version of the bible I read:P

[CTF6]

At last! The real first page of the bible that was lost centuries ago!

[El-Bob]

well, that explains alot

[derelicte]

blasphemy!

[Thor]

I missed the part about how he created woman from the
bassplayers rib and how they were ensconced in the Garden
of Eden and all was good till she was tempted by the head of
the serpent and ran off him to do his vocal harmonies.

[P. Aaron]

Amen.

[metallicafan18]

Simply amazing

[gweimer]

I love Tony Levin. Whenever I need it, I pull that off the first page of his book, Beyond The Bass Clef. One of the funniest reads ever.

[Dave R]

Truth.

[lewislngvw]

and God then said," You shall also be cursed with the need to buy more amps and speakers and spend every moment thinking of how you can get more....you will never find the sound you want and will spend most of your life(and money) searching for it"....

[CapnSev]

Originally Posted by lewislngvw

and God then said," You shall also be cursed with the need to buy more amps and speakers and spend every moment thinking of how you can get more....you will never find the sound you want and will spend most of your life(and money) searching for it"....

+1

"... And all thy chicks shall depart from thee, and attend to thy lead singer and guitarist, even though they reek of asshat..."

[bassbully]

I had a tear after reading that..sob...thanks.