Dumb Craig's List Ads pt.4: Dumber and Dumbest

[Thor]

Continued from here:
Dumb Craig's List Ads pt 3, now with brighter whiter dumb!

[tekdiver500ft]

Wow, another 1000 down. Amazing that it's going so strong.

[Basstovsky]

As long as there is craigslist, and people are still morons, this thread will continue to thrive

[fraublugher]

Human fallibility is boundless .But I can't look away.

[Ubersheist]

Originally Posted by tekdiver500ft

Wow, another 1000 down. Amazing that it's going so strong.

There's ALOT of dumb people out there. Here's one of 'em:

Uber Mensch seeks brutal, ****ed up minds for a noisy backing band

Hi there, I am Uber Mensch. Read Nietzsche and you'll know what it means. Anyways, I'm seeking fellow diseased minds to make brutal noise. I'm wanting to read my writings over it and make noises as people play in the background. I'm leaning towards metal sounding stuff, but people who are experienced with noise are more than welcome to apply. My writings are extremely brutal and offensive, so weak minds, those easily offended or any Christians need not apply, as me as well as my boyfriend are practicing Satanists. I'm not trying to do this to get laid, get high, or even make a million dollars. I just want to force people to briefly glimpse the inner Hell that is my mind. My influences are Drugs, Booze, muse (poetic term, not the band), punk rock/brutal death metal (Gorgasm fans go to top of the list), GG Allin, Holocausts, Genocide, Mass Murder, Serial Killers, Satanism, Good Times, Creative People and Masturbation. Oh, and please have equipment (either instruements or programs, and an extra microphone will bring you to the head of the list), and a reliable means of transportation. Write me if interested, no trolls, spammers, bashers, religious types, Republicans or [expletive that also means 'cat'] [derogatory word for a part of the female anatomy] or idiots need apply.

http://www.facebook.com/joe.noir1

Uber Mensch | Facebook

I almost want to email him just to say "That was hilarious! Great spoof on those who are clueless about how to make music and life in general! Please post some more silly ads!" Then again, he might be serious, and I don't want his "diseased" mind internet stalking me... I am really curious how many people he'd really think he'd get on his "list," too.

[TNCreature]

Crazy blues drummer (Springfield)
Date: 2012-01-17, 11:40AM EST
Crazy blues drummer

"I am a drummer from East Longmeadow . and retired that's right I don't work. I am looking to jam with people close by, 15 miles is close by, not 25 you JERK...
...I can even handle Bitchy Female lead singers and even Rhythm Guitar player who keep changing the from the key of G to an A of a song they practice the week before... and those BAD ASS Bass players you don't want to go there....those fat ass beer drinking pot smoking or the Thin skinny ass coke heads I love them and can't play without them..... lol. . .
. . . but try to keep your solo's under 5 minutes ....Ass Hole's......"

[TNCreature]

Seeking Punk Drummer (Post Falls/Spokane)
Seeking Punk Drummer

"I am Jeremy I play guitar, and Tony plays Bass, we are 38 and 42 years of age but before you judge us by age remember that Black Sabbath( now in their 60's ), is gearing up for another tour. Point being is we have a good 25 plus years of touring if not more. But anyone that is not a complete moron will know that age means nothing in the grand scheme of things. So if your the type of person that judges a person by their age then f*^k off. Otherwise keep reading because we have a lot to offer. "

[TNCreature]

Why we ask about money?(bassist)

Why we ask about money?(bassist) (everywhere)
Date: 2012-01-08, 9:12AM EST
Reply to:

First let me say I speak for myself and not everyone on CL (if you happen to agree with me then...ok). I have spent COUNTLESS hours, days , weeks, months, years learning my instrument. Not only "playing" but learning how and where my instrument fits into and enhances the project at hand. It has been my experience (over 20yrs) that most of the people out there playing don't really understand what makes a song or band great..It is a craft people, not just throwing noise together in an organized fashion and calling it a hit...Those who understand the complexity of music understand what good music is all about..I would suggest to everyone on CL who is bitching about bass players wanting money to play to actually LISTEN to music, not just hear it and say "OH THATS AWESOME"! Pick it apart and listen to the rythm section and realize what makes a band "tight"..most of you say it but have not a clue as to what it means...I am the backbone people,,,we make the music tight...I make the music good...any good band or player will tell you the same thing, it's just a fact!..I have spent years developing this...some have natural talent that is just inherant..Those of you who lost good bass players know how hard it is to find one..Anyone can play bass people but not many can play well..that goes for drums also...Guitarests (that is for the moron that can't spell in his post) are a dime a dozen and very few actually know how to play? And how many of you actually know what a "pocket player" is? I deserve to get paid as does everyone else...STOP SELLING YOURSELVES SHORT!! (you don't go to work for free do you?) As for those not looking for a "hired gun" and want a commitment...I AM NOT YOUR ****ING GIRL FRIEND...I can handle a once a week, or practicing on my own because I UNDERSTAND...I have gone on stage cold as well as rehearsed...makes not a difference to me because I have LEARNED MY INSTRUMENT and am still learning everytime I play...so ****ING "A" I WANT TO GET PAID!

[TNCreature]

Korg Krotos - $1500 (Nashville)
Korg Krotos

Date: 2012-01-25, 3:29AM CST
Reply to:

Hay maine i got dis musik **** wen i dont evn no how it work so i need some rich white ass person 2 drive ther klein ass ride to northwest decatur cuh cuz it be takin up all my damn livin room spaee i cant evn watch my porn and the stupid ass kids cant c spongbob so plz hrry an get dis **** outta her

[Chef FourString]

Originally Posted by Ubersheist

There's ALOT of dumb people out there. Here's one of 'em:

Uber Mensch seeks brutal, ****ed up minds for a noisy backing band

I almost want to email him just to say "That was hilarious! Great spoof on those who are clueless about how to make music and life in general! Please post some more silly ads!" Then again, he might be serious, and I don't want his "diseased" mind internet stalking me... I am really curious how many people he'd really think he'd get on his "list," too.

Seems like the kind of person that needs constant attention from anyone. He probably thinks he's being cute and cool. I know a few like this. Hilarious.

[TNCreature]

(Check out the Soundcloud link)

Lone Piano-man seeks entire rest of band for epic Military Folk Rock!1 (Portland)
Date: 2012-01-23, 8:48PM PST
Reply to: comm-8j3xx-2815129564@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Listen up prospective soldiers! I present: A demo song for your auditory pleasures. I recorded every single god-forsaken track in this masterpiece at home by myself, and it's obvious...anyway, without further ado, here's the raw sound I'm going for:

Listen: Courage by jakeoneal on SoundCloud - Create, record and share your sounds for free

------------------------
SO, here are my thoughts for each player:

• DRUMS

I need fxckin' Steve Gadd. I know that sounds super-duper pretentious, but his soulful military beats are what inspired the rhythm in my songs. Period.

Besides, drummers never get to do all that fancy rim shot-clicky-ticky stuff. Here's a drummer's chance to be a focal point for once, in something other than a nayusty funk band (no disrespect to funk intended!).


• GUITAR
A nice clean guitar sound is perfect. I used a '72 Telecaster remake for the minor guitar parts in the demo song, but since I suck balls at guitar they're hacked all to pieces. I'd like to get more double-picking single line melodies in there from someone who knows what the **** they're doing (aka: not me), along with regular rhythm parts to complete the full band sound.

• BASS
This is the most hilarious part. I used a Rhodes for the bass in this song. But yeah, I'd like to find a real bassist.

• PICCOLO, FLUTE, TIN WHISTLE
Fxxk yeah! This might be a stretch but I can think of a bunch of great spots in my songs for a piccolo player or similar sounded instrument.

For now, I rent a house alone that we can play in. When **** starts to get real I've got the funds to get us a practice space.

PostingID: 2815129564

[KUNGfuSHERIFF]

Mickey Mouse Tribute Band looking for a Professional Bass Player

Mickey Mouse Tribute Band looking for a Professional Bass Player (Lincoln)

We're a professional Mickey Mouse Tribute Band based out of Lincoln, Nebraska.

We're looking for a Professional Bass Player with a background in country (old/new), classic rock, and 80's stuff to bring a unique flavor to our catalog of Mickey Mouse songs.

Ideally we'd like a fast learner who can play a bass line to any song request, play by ear or read music. Perfect pitch and the ability to sing lead or harmonies is a big plus. We'd like to find someone who can play 5-string, 6-string, fretless, acoustic, and upright. Upright ownership is not necessary, but the ability to obtain one if the need arises will certainly increase your chances of being selected for our band.

No want-to-be's who need to rely on the crutch that is band practice to get better. Everyone learns their parts, comes to a gig, and nails it. And if you can't figure out the arrangements telepathically, then you're not worth our time.

MOST IMPORTANTLY - we are a serious band. We are serious about mickey-mousing around!

[LothrtheTerribl]

Hello, I am Uber Mensch. Read Nietzsche and you'll know what it means.

My experience has taught me that people who quote Nietzsche either:

A. Have never actually read Nietzsche but know that he was a "rebel" and have Googled a few of his quotes.

or

B. Have read some of his works, absolutely don't get them, but pick out a couple of bits and pieces that they think sound cool.

Kevin Kline's character in "A Fish Called Wanda" is the perfect personification of this special brand of douche nozzle.

Either this ad is indeed sharp satire, or it is the equivalent of a drunk girl standing on a chair in the middle of the room flashing her cans essentially screaming, "Hey, everybody, look at me!!!"

[xepher2792]

The "Uber Mensch" got his post flagged and posted this in response.
Whoever flagged my spoken word post is a piece of ****

Whoever flagged my spoken word post is a piece of **** (Lancaster)
Date: 2012-01-26, 1:47AM PST
Reply to: comm-cxhk8-2818738820@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I'm the guy who posted looking for metal or noise artists to back my obscene spoken word stuff, and I just wanna say whoever would flag an artist's post is a stupid ****. Whoever you are, you're a ******, and probably an idiot Conservative Christian or something. That's okay though, 'cause I'm just gonna keep reposting and flagging other people's stuff on here if mine is flagged. Two can play that nonsensical game. But then again, this is Lancaster and from what I've seen in the six months I've lived out here, you're probably an inbred hillbilly like the people that I moved away from in Tennessee. No wonder people hate the desert. I'm from the OC anyways, and us native beach people are inherently better and more talented than a desert methrat, since that's all that seems to be out here. Hail Satan! Ta!

Location: Lancaster
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[gfaulkner]

Absolutely my favorite threads on TB,never ending fun.

[fraublugher]

quote
" Us native beach people are inherently better and more talented than a desert methrat, since that's all that seems to be out here. Hail Satan! Ta! ."

Location: Lancaster

ha! This guy I like

[My name is Mudd]

After reading this...

Originally Posted by "Uber Mensch"

I'm the guy who posted looking for metal or noise artists to back my obscene spoken word stuff...

...I'm going with this...

Originally Posted by LothrtheTerribl

...the equivalent of a drunk girl standing on a chair in the middle of the room flashing her cans essentially screaming, "Hey, everybody, look at me!!!"

[Calebmundy]

This guy seems like he's really close to being a cool indie/folk act. Focusing on "Military Folk" might be a little too narrow of a genre.

Originally Posted by TNCreature

(Check out the Soundcloud link)

Lone Piano-man seeks entire rest of band for epic Military Folk Rock!1 (Portland)
Date: 2012-01-23, 8:48PM PST
Reply to: comm-8j3xx-2815129564@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Listen up prospective soldiers! I present: A demo song for your auditory pleasures. I recorded every single god-forsaken track in this masterpiece at home by myself, and it's obvious...anyway, without further ado, here's the raw sound I'm going for:

Listen: Courage by jakeoneal on SoundCloud - Create, record and share your sounds for free

------------------------
SO, here are my thoughts for each player:

• DRUMS

I need fxckin' Steve Gadd. I know that sounds super-duper pretentious, but his soulful military beats are what inspired the rhythm in my songs. Period.

Besides, drummers never get to do all that fancy rim shot-clicky-ticky stuff. Here's a drummer's chance to be a focal point for once, in something other than a nayusty funk band (no disrespect to funk intended!).


• GUITAR
A nice clean guitar sound is perfect. I used a '72 Telecaster remake for the minor guitar parts in the demo song, but since I suck balls at guitar they're hacked all to pieces. I'd like to get more double-picking single line melodies in there from someone who knows what the **** they're doing (aka: not me), along with regular rhythm parts to complete the full band sound.

• BASS
This is the most hilarious part. I used a Rhodes for the bass in this song. But yeah, I'd like to find a real bassist.

• PICCOLO, FLUTE, TIN WHISTLE
Fxxk yeah! This might be a stretch but I can think of a bunch of great spots in my songs for a piccolo player or similar sounded instrument.

For now, I rent a house alone that we can play in. When **** starts to get real I've got the funds to get us a practice space.

PostingID: 2815129564

[Ubersheist]

Originally Posted by xepher2792

The "Uber Mensch" got his post flagged and posted this in response.
Whoever flagged my spoken word post is a piece of ****

Heh... Wasn't me. The guy sounds like a delight.

Edit: Looks like this response got flagged, too. Oh well...

[Ubersheist]

Originally Posted by TNCreature

(Check out the Soundcloud link)

Lone Piano-man seeks entire rest of band for epic Military Folk Rock!1 (Portland)
Date: 2012-01-23, 8:48PM PST
Reply to: comm-8j3xx-2815129564@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Listen up prospective soldiers! I present: A demo song for your auditory pleasures. I recorded every single god-forsaken track in this masterpiece at home by myself, and it's obvious...anyway, without further ado, here's the raw sound I'm going for:

Listen: Courage by jakeoneal on SoundCloud - Create, record and share your sounds for free

------------------------
SO, here are my thoughts for each player:

• DRUMS

I need fxckin' Steve Gadd. I know that sounds super-duper pretentious, but his soulful military beats are what inspired the rhythm in my songs. Period.

Besides, drummers never get to do all that fancy rim shot-clicky-ticky stuff. Here's a drummer's chance to be a focal point for once, in something other than a nayusty funk band (no disrespect to funk intended!).


• GUITAR
A nice clean guitar sound is perfect. I used a '72 Telecaster remake for the minor guitar parts in the demo song, but since I suck balls at guitar they're hacked all to pieces. I'd like to get more double-picking single line melodies in there from someone who knows what the **** they're doing (aka: not me), along with regular rhythm parts to complete the full band sound.

• BASS
This is the most hilarious part. I used a Rhodes for the bass in this song. But yeah, I'd like to find a real bassist.

• PICCOLO, FLUTE, TIN WHISTLE
Fxxk yeah! This might be a stretch but I can think of a bunch of great spots in my songs for a piccolo player or similar sounded instrument.

For now, I rent a house alone that we can play in. When **** starts to get real I've got the funds to get us a practice space.

PostingID: 2815129564

It's a strange recording that's poorly mixed, has way too much compression on the master track, and has a not so great sounding drum machine track going. However, I gotta say it's not nearly as bad as 90% of the garbage out there, and his other song, Lost Shoes is actually really nice. Sounds like he got that one professionally recorded.