Dumb Craig's List Ads pt.4: Dumber and Dumbest

[jazzbill]

Any Metal Bassist Sick of their $h*tty Band? (Carrollton)

Date: 2013-01-07, 8:00PM CST
Reply to this post xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx[?]
We been looking for a bassist for a long time, it has been a long road. It is the only thing holding us back. The calibur of bassists out there is a joke thus far. Sadly it seems the good bassists and their time is taken up by sub-par/wack/going-no-where bands. If you are sick of your band and! and! and! a bad ass! give us a shout!!! You know if you are good. None of these pimple faced, old crippled, smelly drunks, or fat @sses that can't move. You must have your own equipment, vehicle, no girlfriend/wife that owns your nutts, or any vices that keep you from tearing up the stage. We are not playing around and I expect the same out of you. Come audition and represent

Ya Heard?!

[My name is Mudd]

Aside from some poor spelling here and there, that's actually a fairly good ad...for CL, that is.

[ckdhaven]

Unbelievable.... This was posted on our local CL>>>







Bass player. I have a lying,cheating.two-faced personality. Hang out with my parents a lot and don't work either and I never had to!! ...so I have all the time in the world to become a producer,world famous RockStar and I will because I'm a wicked devil worshiper and I have stolen enough souls to compile Voltron™!! Know every ****ing song in the world. I got garage band free,well most of it,lol,you know what I mean! Ha! Ya,man. Far as popularity. I hang out with most of the elderly washed up bar local legend types. I have tons of gear my dad bought me,so I wont have to worry about anything either. I have every angle taken care of far as talent scouts and huge record label signings and my singer might gun you down for this and that too.

Whelp,by-the-way! Time for me to pounce off,trash my room,walk in circles, clammier for gas money,wonder if life is real and be angry at everything under the sun. And Austin if your out there,F*ck your wife,shes a stupid tone deaf whore!

[LiquidMidnight]

Originally Posted by ckdhaven

Unbelievable.... This was posted on our local CL>>>

I'm pretty certain it's meant to be satirical.

[60bass]

Originally Posted by ckdhaven

Unbelievable.... This was posted on our local CL>>>

And Austin if your out there,F*ck your wife,shes a stupid tone deaf whore!

I'm wondering if this last part has something to do with this person having a bad experience with the above mentioned "Austin" and the possibility he met him through a CL ad? Maybe this CL post is a sarcastic description of Austin and not the poster?

Either way I find it pretty funny

[hrodbert696]

Has this one made the rounds yet?

I am the premiere Craigslist musician. Observe me, Earth human. (andromeda)
Date: 2013-01-08, 7:28PM EST
7fskn-3532296197@comm.craigslist.org[?]
I'm not the person who originally posted this but I see that it's gone, what a shame, best thing I've ever read on CL. So I put it back, "Die, earth scum".
I am known on my home planet of Pallas as the premiere musician, possibly the most skilled in my portion of the galaxy. I grow weary of the constant search for musicians who can match my abilities in my particular galactic region. Therefore, I have traveled many light years to visit Earth, in hopes of creating a musical union the likes of which this galaxy has never seen. With this strong collection of musically gifted entities, we will surpass even that which was accomplished by such Earth bands as "The Beatles", or such Pallas bands as (1−k)cos(ax−bx)−(1+k)cos(ax+bx)=−2.

Using my superior intellect, and after many hours of research, I have tailored my own abilities and requests so that I will be compatible with every possible reader of the Craigslist Musicians community. Here is my general information:

I am a unisex (like all natives of Pallas), capable of emulating male or female vocal stylings. If forced to represent my talents with a simple Earth comparison, I would equate my vocal timbre somewhere between the sounds of James Hetfield and Tori Amos.
I am able to growl/scream over music, and act as if this is a valid form of self expression that is equal to that of say, guitar playing.
As a guitar player, I have the capability to perform lead guitar trickery over the most complicated of reggae and ska-punk arrangements.
My rhythm guitar playing is versatile, and very advanced in comparison to Earth guitarists, as my kind has expanded on the traditional music scale to include the notes "H" and "æ".

I require a drummer with the capability to exceed the sound barrier on a double bass pedal, as is operating procedure in all novice metal bands. That stated, you must also be adept at, and stay aware of, any and all top 40 hits, as is required by the laws of Earth and Craigslist. Jazz knowledge is also a must.

Bass players must posses advanced knowledge of musical theory, yet adhere to standard bass-player code, requiring them to remain silent during any and all discussion.

I remain confused regarding how planning situations regarding Earth bands are handled, so again I have formed a general consensus due to my experience in reading the posts of other Craigslist users. .

I am a "pro-level" musician, regardless of the fact that I am not, and have never been employed by any signed band who has produced any sort of recorded release of note. Contrary to this fact, I have sacrificed the well-being of my other family units in order to acquire the latest and most coveted gear available. Other members of this collective must also have equipment with a value exceeding the cost of their last 3 Earth vehicles, regardless of their commitment level.

I do not desire to engage in the act of "songwriting", or any facet of original creativity. I find this to be tiresome and a general waste of time, and it would require a great increase in talent required by the rest of the band unit.

I wish to perform "gigs" immediately, as I find social interactions, or "nightlife", far more important than the creation of original worthwhile musical compositions.
As stated before, I am not interested in contributing to original compositions or recordings, even though your recent discovery of the internet has made music accessibility almost limitless. This is purely a social affair, and is almost entirely void of all artistic expression. I am not at all interested in attempting to positively change the path of Earth music in any way.

I would very much like for several of us to gather, and play over each other in a loud, chaotic fashion until several of you concede and begin listening to what I am doing.

Serious inquiries only. I have the ability to travel, barring any complications in acquiring liquid helium for my pod transport.

end transmission -



Location: andromeda
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[Saxn]

Will You Hire Me?

No. No I will not.
-------------------------------------

hi i mix and master i have a portfolio of a couple songs
i have did at other recordings studios around the area
i have never worked in a in home studio
so yah i am more professional than that an
my sound is very professional as well and i make beats also
i wanna get hired at a recording studio in Valdosta
i have experience with numerous recording software's
i will work for as low as $15 per hour " but i expect too get paid more than that"
or you name your price an i may just accept it
i am not willing too travel too like adel
or macon nashville atlanta or anything like that
i wanna work strictly in valdosta
i have asked many studios locally are they looking too hire
but they tripped its like they wanna keep all there money too
there selves they not willing too really pay anybody or anything like
that i mean i am willing too work as a intern for maybe 2 weeks
for maybe 10 dollars an hour an then after that i need get paid a bit more but
please email me your name an number if interested in hiring thanks

[tekdiver500ft]

Originally Posted by Saxn

Will You Hire Me?

No. No I will not.
-------------------------------------

Nor will I, not even on a dare. I generally require my employees to be able to read, write, and speak grammatically.

[Jim Nazium]

"Seeking jazz band to play New Orleans style jazz for 30 minutes on May 11th. This will be a free gig. In exchange, your business information will be on the program as well as your business cards on display for guests. Plus you will be contacted for future paying events.

Please email if interested or call "

So you want a 6- or 7-piece band to come to your event and play 30 minutes for free? Good luck with that.

[Saxn]

Originally Posted by Jim Nazium

So you want a 6- or 7-piece band to come to your event and play 30 minutes for free? Good luck with that.

Yeah but think of the EXPOSURE and the CONTACTS, man! I mean, it says right there in black and white that you will be contacted for future paying events! In the FUTURE!

[My name is Mudd]

Originally Posted by Saxn

In the FUTURE!

Is this the future with flying cars, daily commutes to/from the moon, and world peace?

[Saxn]

Originally Posted by My name is Mudd

Is this the future with flying cars, daily commutes to/from the moon, and world peace?

I think that's probably BEST case scenario. I am going to go out on a limb and say there is no contract rider providing for payment in the event it's a Mad Max nuclear apocolyptic future, because - in their opinion - you will have failed to bring in a suitable crowd.

[Josh Thatguy]

Here's one for the record books. I'm nearly speecheless, and found myself sitting here slackjawed in pity amusement. (with my luck, the guy's a TB'er and will read this post)

http://norfolk.craigslist.org/msg/3543877699.html

"I have an interesting piece for a DIY project. It started life as an SX Precision-style bass, and I modified the crap out of it.

It's now a dual-P bass, hand-painted and finished, with a V/V/T setup with push/pull series/parallel in the front volume pot and jack relocated to the side. Neck is a bound & blocked SX jazz neck, reverse headstock, also hand-painted and finished, with a custom decal (which doesn't show edges like the pic in real life).

The catch, though - it's wired correctly but there's some noise I can't get rid of. Grounding somewhere, most likely. The neck needs love - some sharp frets here and there and the paint I put over the inlays isn't all that awesome. It's also strung for DGDF / CDGF tuning with the top 5 strings of a set, so if you wanted standard tuning you'd need strings.

Essentially I'm selling the body. Hand-painted, then who knows how many layers of polyurethane, then sanding. And more sanding. And more sanding. Then polishing. Lol. There are some flaws on the back, but the front - which is what everyone else will see - is pretty one-of-a-kind. I wish I could take better pictures.

I'm looking for $250 firm - I know the value of the parts is less than that, but I've got probably 80+ hours into this paint. Not really looking for trades, but if you've got something unusual hit me up, who knows.

Please put "Blitz Bass" in the subject line so I know you're not spam when you email me."

[TNCreature]

Handmade Lifesized Moose (Newtown Square)

Handmade lifesized moose made for store window display. Great for classroom or library.



http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/zip/3543681452.html

[DethByDoom]

http://houston.craigslist.org/msg/3531612947.html

Weird and I kinda want it.

[kcole4001]

Looks kinda like the offspring of a moose and a goat.

[jeffbrown]

Just found:


Typical CL Bass Player Available (NH)
Mid 40's lot's of gear and talent.. here's what I bring to the table

I will e-mail you telling you I am very interested and want an audition and then blow you off
I promise if I don't blow you off right away I will wait until the night before the audition and tell you I got called in to work that night.If either of the aforementioned doesn't happen I will make sure I tell you I don't agree with several things in the ad you put up even though I initially told you I'm very interested after reading the ad.

I promise to not answer my phone if you call to confirm anything and then send you an e-mail explaining that my wife said I can't do "The Band thing".

Most of all I will make sure to frustrate and confuse you while wasting hours and days of your time telling you how great my gear and talent are and also bragging about how many songs I know.

**** All of you know who you are. Thankfully we found somebody so the rest of you can GFY. ****

http://nh.craigslist.org/muc/3560202888.html


Hmmm. THAT'S *never* happened, has it?

[Zoomie]

I dont think that anyone can top this one. Clearly an outgoing and gregarious fellow.


Bass player (Tri Cities)

Bass player.

• Location: Tri Cities

•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Here's the link if you must see it with your own eyes.

http://tricities.craigslist.org/muc/3557762637.html

[tekdiver500ft]

I don't see that as "dumb" at all. Frankly, I appreciate stoicism. Besides, the bass player is supposed to quietly stand at the side and hold down the bottom end. I think he's showing that he's not a showboat, not going to upstage the lead singer, not argumentative...
OTOH, maybe that's the entirety of his vocabulary which would make him an idiot...

[amimbari]

Originally Posted by Zoomie

I dont think that anyone can top this one. Clearly an outgoing and gregarious fellow.


Bass player (Tri Cities)

Bass player.

• Location: Tri Cities

•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Here's the link if you must see it with your own eyes.

http://tricities.craigslist.org/muc/3557762637.html

the RE: is funnier....

6dzkq-3560911316@comm.craigslist.org [?]
flag [?] : miscategorized prohibited spam best of Re: Bass Player (Tri-Cities)

Good ad! Try not to be so specific next time!

• Location: Tri-Cities
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests