Just found this winner in my local musicians section of CL.
{{{ FREE FOOD & DRINKS!!! }}}}
To all the local club owners:
Pssst....hey you jerks, I'm trying to talk to ya over here. I know how anxious all of you are to spread the word about your great establishments. I've always enjoyed helping new owners build their business and dont mind doing the same for you. Tell you what I'm gonna do paisan, next Thursday, me and a few of the boys will come in for a few hours and allow you to feed us and wet our goddamn whistles for free. We're very connected and have friends that eat damn near every day. If your linguine gives us a hard-on and your vino really gets us pissy drunk, we'll gladly tell all of our friends about da fine joint you got yourself right over there. Hell, Greasy Tony and Jimmy Boy must know at least 1000 people that stay looking for good food all the time, I **** you not. Looky, if you liquor us up real good, they'll probably be wanting you to get them stupid drunk as well. That's just how they are. Real classy fellas our friends are, the whole lot of em. And plenty money too. Ain't no telling how many shots of booze and plates of corn beef samiches you'll sling outta that puke joint once people get a load of us drunk and stumbling around with a belly full of your mighty fine cuisine.
Look here....when you think about it, you're gonna be chef-ing up the Ziti and dishing out the good scotch Thursday anyway, am I right or what? Just consider us ....umm,,,,like a "practice" for all your future paying customers Yeah, that's the ticket. You gotta start somewhere, capiche? Keep in mind that you'll get valuable feedback on whether the Veal Scallopini needs a little smidge of this....the Oyster Rockefeller needs little less of that and bada bing...then you can really start charging for the food and drinks once the word gets out. We just need to get ours free to get the ball rolling. And just to show you we're being fair, If you got any promo stuff like dessert or appetizers that you're trying to sell, I'll announce it from time to time while we're pigging out on the free fixings. Any money you make, we don't want a stinkin cent of it; that's all you right there my good friend. You put that in ya pocket and buy the little missus some of them gurly-type trinkets or maybe sumthin nice for yourself like some of those knife and fork thingies that all yous food establishment type guys use....whaddaya call em.....eating utensils. Every restaurant always needs some new equipment, am I right again? You bet your sweet ass I am. Believe me you, I don't want to start naming names but a ******** of restaurants in this area are where they are now, because of us. You ever hear of McDonald's? Wendy's?.....you comprende where I'm coming from? That could be you if do good wit us. Every other Thursday about 7pm good for you? Now don't dick around if you're really interested, because we got plenty other restaurants lined up out the wahzoo trying to get a piece of this sweet deal. Have your people call my people so we can get this thing on the go right now. Even though I'm a little low on moolah because I'm still paying vig to Jerry the bookie, if you just gotta get something for the vittles and hooch, I got two, maybe three, hubcaps from a 1977 El Camino that I can thrown in 'cause I like you.
Hey, pal whats wit da stupid look on your fat mug? Aint that the same deal you offered me and the boys when you tried to book our band to play in da joint? why I oughta.....
