The funniest "musician wanted" ad you've ever read

[funkycarnivore]

Every once in awhile I take a look at musician wanted ads in the local for sale paper. I don't have the time for a real gig right now, but I mainly check them out to find funny ads. Like the ones that say something like "Wanted-bassist for band. Call ***-***-****" While thinking about those kind of ads, it's occurred to me that some of us here might have seen some quite hilarious ones. So...?

[Deynn]

One quick one that I recall seeing lately....

Wanted bassist for new oldies band. Must have own equipment. Would help if also had PA and/or van type vehicle to drive band to gigs. Experience not necessary, but should be able to play decently.

[Boplicity]

I get a kick out of ads that place numerous limitations such as "No drugs, no attitude, no Billy Sheehan, no one over twenty."

Jason Oldsted

[ZoomBoy]

This one's pretty funny! I hope this works!

http://www.massmusician.com/postings...l.php?id=28931

[Francis]

This ad was hanging in a local music store in town. This ad come across to me as assuming in several ways. The way the guitarist looking for the bassist describes himself, and then the way he describes the bassist he is looking for. The whole thing is REAL and this is too pitiful for me to be making up.

Dick Dale influenced, surf rock guitarist seeks bassist to play in local, original band. Originals will have a bossa nova type feel to them. If you think you have what it takes to put your heart into my band, call ******** at *******.
By the way, if you think Limp Bizkit or Korn are God's gift to music, do not reply. You will be wasting my time as well as your own.

I may be weird, but that is hilarious to me!

[Doug]

Think these guys are desparate for a drummer!
I left out the emails and who to contact.



What does it take to land a drummer in Western New York?
-Money
-Booze
-Women (or men if you're a female or gay)
Well, we don't have money, but I guess we could give you a ten spot for each practice and, of course, a percentage of whatever it is we make at a gig.
You can bring your own booze, because we all bring our own and share. Hell, with that ten spot you could go buy some beer and bring it to practice. Think of it! Free beer or whatever it is you like to drink!
As for women or whatever, there's women around but none you'd get easily. Certainly I'd have to kick your ass if you touched my woman. I think the singer would do the same. Still, any other woman (or whatever) that's around is fair game. Sort of like life, you know? There's always a chance for sex, but it depends on how discriminating you are. Just no sex in the rehearsal room.
One caveat...we play original music. That means we'd all have to work hard to actually earn money at a gig. It's possible you know. Imagine it, earning money while retaining your dignity. You could play in a soul-less cover band, sure, but most of them suck, and, frankly, there's absolutely no chance of making the big time in a cover band. Your choice. Dignity and a chance to make something of yourself, or let your soul, dignity, and skills wither in some crap band.
Still, we have done all of the work for you. The songs are there, we have a demo CD ready, there's a press kit just waiting for your bio and picture, plus we'd have t-shirts and stickers by now but there's been no point, yet. All you do is jump on board and we go.

[Jennifer]

Here's a rather interesting (and long) ad. Check out how many fans they have!

Visitor: shawn
Reference: the net/my manager!
Location: ny
WebSite: nope
Web Info: rock,sexual rock geared towards chicks!
Contact:
Date: Mon, Oct 02, 2000 at 14:29:03 (PDT)

Comments: SEEKING SEX-SYMBOL TYPE BASSIST!!hey!!! whats up? im gonna say this once and once only..and if your not into this .. than dont email us, if our ideas make you wanna throw up... find ANOTHER ADD...,if our great image..and looks...bother you...than go off and find another wanna be korn or slayer band where big fat greasy hairy dudes are more than welcome..but admired. . were looking for musicians young only 19-23 etc.. not 35+year olds thinking were some gig for hire..and we hand out slaries.....save that kinda sh-t for bands that play cover songs that are constantly looking for work.,. were all orginal...were working with the biggest names in the CURRENT music industry. we have been talking to plenty of music directors at major stations ...we're new band we havent played live TOGETHER yet... were writting... and we'll record in december.. the BIGGEST people want to help us they just wanna hear an album. Weve allready begun to cuase alot of controversy..and everyones like who the f-ck are tyhese guys,(we'll let you know what were talking about...but just to aviod legal stuff for now...trust me its quite interesting!!) and yes we plan on being different than the grungy rock of the 90's and y2k..they all look the the guys that pump your gas everyday. were a band with style, and class..and all about being rocks #1 party band.... not another wanna be korn band .. or a rap/rock act jumping on to the bandwagon to cash in on a current music trend. were all about being pioneers. and right now is a great time..cuase right now music is over 4 basic things your rather a boy band , a rap act, a wanna be korn band , and anything else is playing in coffee shops playing horrible music..or covers..trying to make money ..but hey if thats what makes them hapy fine. were all about takeing over everything right now, we basically are looking to be like what howard stern is to radio. and Its working with us allready. guys hate us ..cuase we look so good.. which is exactly what im looking for ..cuase that just meens the chicks will like us that much more. we'd rather have a majority of chicks in the audiece that wanna f-ck and party ..rather than a bunch of guys moshing and ending up in an ambulance... like all the metal..rap/rock..and wanna be kor bands have. im not saying were an 80's band. were not dressing like that or haveing hair spray puffy big hair. its that all rock is so dark and aggressive now..the image sucks .and we all seem to wonder why rock has died out in the 90's opposed to the 80's and before then. if you would love to be rocks #1 party band , rocks most sex band, rocks most hated and loved band ...and you welcome controversy.... shock.... and flaunting something very different in peoples faces ..then your the bassist were looking for. we'll fly you out in december to record with us...and we'll take it from there..youd have to drop everything your doing. this is not a JOB type thing...its about being a 100% ambitious musicians...and its not ONLY about musicianship to us ...we didnt grow up listening to bach...you know..its about being rock stars all the way...and thats what we'll be.. whether people like it or not ..people are going to majorly react to us.(just like everyone else in the group... what you put in is what you get out of it). were greared more towards females id have to say...and were young so WE CAN Do that ..,chicks have to turn to dance clubs and rap shows r and b and sh-t ..so..its perfect timeing for us to do something thats not happeneing in rock right now.PARTY ANTHEM ROCK !! ya know! ... everyone lock up your duaghters !!! no-ones safe!! its gonna be a party mahem. and by the way we are managed..and keep stupid comments to yourself cuase we get alot of email from frustrated,envious,confused,old out of work type musicians. Heres the deal.... you have to send your press package...or your bio(with contact info), pictures.. old new whatever(remember were going for a sex-symbol look), send your demo's of any past bands.... any writting youve done, and all those are required..a video would be a plus. DEMOS BIO PICTURES ....a video would be a plus. let us know if youv happen to play piano or anything else(just for future use ..of possible useing it in a balad down the road). bands we like(although were really young)! Poison Aerosmith motley crue guns n roses cinderella and some newer stuff like..... lenny cravitz stp email us.... , if we see the attitude we'll just erase the Sh-t..we hate mail of old people who didnt make it talking to us like thei our father ..like we can learn from them cuase theyve played in small venues where anyone with a pulse can book.we dont need that in the band! if we like you and you sound like the party animal, rocking bassist,sex-symbol,and have some brains in your head.. then email us we'll give you the address to send it to. ps..were very nbew...we have some huge controversy comeing up. and we have over 2,800,000 hits to our website and a world wide fanbase-street team of over 87,000
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ZoomBoy]

Jennifer,

That's the same ad that I linked to up here in Massachsetts. For even bigger laughs go to their website and poke around. I don't know if the terrible grammar and spelling is intentional or not!

http://fixtheband.cjb.net/

[Joe Nerve]

Forgot where I saw it, some beach town I think - in a restaurant/bar window:
Piano Player wanted - must know how to shuck clams.

[Boplicity]

This ad can be found at http://www.tennesseemusician.com.
I'll reprint the substance of it here to save your clicking to another site.


"All bitch metal band up in Seattle looking for a killer second guitarist. We're going to be loud all the way to hell. Ages 16 tp 21. Gotta get up to Seattle and show those boys how to really rock."


Jason Oldsted

[Stingray5]

Originally posted by Jennifer
Here's a rather interesting (and long) ad. Check out how many fans they have!

...if you would love to be rocks #1 party band , rocks most sex band, rocks most hated and loved band ...and you welcome controversy.... shock.... and flaunting something very different in peoples faces ..then your the bassist were looking for. we'll fly you out in december to record with us...

Oh my God!!!!

[alx564]

hey,
i checked out that FIX site. what a bunch of egotisticle maniacs. They probably put in all those guest book entry's and no way over 2 million people visted that piece of **** site. I hope they fail miserably just for acting like the dicks they seem to be. Yeah man sex, drugs and rock and roll. Havent heard that one before. Original

[Dave Castelo]

that page made me LOL.
thank´s for the link

-read the old guestbook. it´s so fakeee

[Cirrus]

I never understand ads that say something like:

"Looking for drummer, bassist, guitarist and singer to start band."

What DO they have?!? Keyboards? A Xylophone? Pan Flute?

Peter

[Bruce Lindfield]

Originally posted by alx564
hey,
i checked out that FIX site. what a bunch of egotisticle maniacs.

This is almost "egotesticle maniacs - which might be about right!

[Tsal]

I recently saw this at local bulletin board..
"Wanted bassist to band, aged 12-14. Music style
is black metal. You need to have your own equipment and
be able to do blackmetalvocals."

[Boplicity]

Black metal??? Like Hendrix? Actually, I've definitely fallen behind the times. What is black metal?

Jason Oldsted

[Jennifer]

Satanic.

[ubersam]

Originally posted by JasonOldsted
Black metal??? Like Hendrix? ...

Jason Oldsted

LOL! that was funny!

[Boplicity]

I WAS trying to be funny, but you know what...humor is the hardest thing to predict on the Internet. So many attempts I've made at humor have fallen flat on their faces, pissed folks off, or been ignored. Also, I've stumbled over other folks' humor, taking something they said seriously when they were joking. Either way, I often end up looking stupid. Oh well.

Anyway...so "black metal" is Satanic? Why don't they just call it Satanic metal then? I mean...why mince words? Sounds like it is an effort to disguise a controversial style of music. Well, maybe they SHOULD hide it. ANyway, the ad was for 13 and 14 year-old Satanists. That's a pretty scarey thought all by itself.

Jason Oldsted