the funniest thing

[dreadheadbass]

ok this one is easy name the funniest things you've........
done/seen/participated in/ been the butt of/ tried to forget/ been told about/ instigated
while.....
on the road/ in the practice room/ at a gig/ at a band mates house/ in a back alley/ in a groupies house/ backstage/ in the recording studio

no holds barred on this one watch your language where possible but lets hear what funny sick sordid s**t you lot have been up to when the music's playing and the beer is flowing the only rule IT HAS TO BE BAND OR MUSICIAN RELATED no college fratt stories (unless you were playing in a band AT a fratt party)

quick example to get the ball rolling we were once driving back from a gig when the drummer sneezed not wanting to spray snot and flem on us he decided to hold his nose.... bad move... he s**t his pants and burst a blood vessel in his eye and sneezed with such force his fingers slipped off his nose and a big ball off drummer nose funk hit out guitarist square on the neck

[Stickk]

^Oh god!!

[gregoire1]

never...ever...try to hold your nose when you sneeze!

[dreadheadbass]

Originally Posted by Stickk

^Oh god!!

c'mon dont be shy playing in a band is all about the funny things you see and do on the road it helps keep you sane inbetween...... bad sound checks/ violent fans/ stolen equipment/ guitarists/ hang overs/ getting ripped off/ guitarists/ broken equipment/ late load ins/ guitarists/ torn speakers/ playing to empty rooms/ not getting paid/ band squabbles/ guitarists and break downs 10 min from the gig

share with us

[5StringBlues]

I played with a blues singer/guitarist back in the 90's who evidently couldnt see people in the audience very well from stage.Girls would flash us and this guy never would catch it.

One Tuesday night,at closing time,there was one person in the bar. A guy with blonde hair down to his waist.Well,singer/guitard gets on the mic and says,"We're gonna do one more for that lovely lady at the bar".

Our keyboardist,not known for being very subtle,gets on his mic and hollers,"Thats a dude Charlie!"

Guitard starts the song and me,keys,and the drummer try to play ,all while laughing so hard we are all crying.

After the song is over,we all run outside onto the porch where we laugh ourselves silly for the next 15 minutes.

We were all replaced a couple of weeks later.........................



But it was worth it!


Here's a thread I started about being delayed in an airport due to an armadillo drumstick bag. Funny airport/tour stories-armadillo stickbag content!

[rageatmachine14]

My band of five were camping out in an old camper at the place where we were supposed to play the next day (at a house in the middle of nowhere). So at about 11 at night we decided to hit the hay well as you may know its hard to get to seep with all the talking that goes on. Well our drummer told one particularily funny joke and our guitarist starts laughing histericly and starts to caugh so i slap him in the back of the head......he pukes everywhere....all over his phone/ipod/sleeping bag/pillow. 4 hours later we finally get it cleaned up completaly and did the best we could with the smell by opening the windows to let it air out. While all the rest of the morons still decided to sleep in the camper I Being the smart one took all my stuff and slept in the garage.....needless to say they hated me in the morning. A rain storm came through at about 5:30 in the morning....They had left the windows open.

[bassteban]

I had food poisoning one time & ******* my then GF's bed in my sleep- twice. Sorry, no pics.

[5StringBlues]

Originally Posted by bassteban

Sorry, no pics.

Not a problem!

[dreadheadbass]

i once took a groupie round the back of an old outhouse behind a barn we were playing in yorkshire
anyways things started getting really dirty and i've got her against the wall facing me and i'm going for it like an orient express steam train then going to fast for my own good i slipped out but didnt realise till i was on the upstroke at which point i dry humped the roughly concreted wall of the outhouse
not wanting to disapoint i slipped back in and carried on with gritted teeth and a tear in my eye
the next day i had a graze starting at the top and working its way down halfway on my "blushing bishop" i had a walk like john wayne with hemmoroids for 2 weeks

[bassteban]

Tops me.

[capnsandwich]

Originally Posted by dreadheadbass

i once took a groupie round the back of an old outhouse behind a barn we were playing in yorkshire
anyways things started getting really dirty and i've got her against the wall facing me and i'm going for it like an orient express steam train then going to fast for my own good i slipped out but didnt realise till i was on the upstroke at which point i dry humped the roughly concreted wall of the outhouse
not wanting to disapoint i slipped back in and carried on with gritted teeth and a tear in my eye
the next day i had a graze starting at the top and working its way down halfway on my "blushing bishop" i had a walk like john wayne with hemmoroids for 2 weeks

If I could sig all of this I would.

[bassteban]

You should have seen the outhouse.

[John Wentzien]

On the road in '81.
We just finish our 2 week gig in Springfield, IL and get the call from the agent to drive all the way to Odessa, TX for the next week.
We drive all night to get there...When we arrive to find another band already set-up.
Find out we were double-booked!
We call the agent (VZ agency) and he tells us he f'd up and we were supposed to be only 15 miles away from the last gig in Illinois!
Well...there was nobody in the room where the stage was, so our drummer (who was really pissed) pulled down his pants and took a big dump right on stage....and it stunk to high heaven.
He proceeds to the back of the stage and wipes his butt on the velvet curtains behind the drums.
We got in the car and laughed all the way back and got there just in time to set up and play after 20 hours of driving and no sleep for 2 days.
revenge is sweet.

[RustyAxe]

Not necessarily the funniest, but recent ...

After our gig we were enjoying a few cold ones, and waiting for our food to arrive. The cute little waitress comes over with a pizza in hand and asks "Who has a small sausage?". I raise my hand and loudly say "That would be me". I'm still trying to live that one down.

[dreadheadbass]

c'mon there's gotta be more stories than this dont tell me your all the punctual types that turn up to gigs at 6am sharp and only drink orange juice before heading home for an early night

[Elmo Oxygen]

A band i am no longer with: Last summer, going into the studio to record an EP. I was the long distance guy, 125mi or so from their homebase. I go up a couple days in advance to prepare. We get a short-notice "industry gig" (the second and last of it's kind that we played) for an owner of a large souund and lighting company, on his property about an hour away..... the night before we are to report to the studio in the morning. The show turned out to be a "private" (private meaning 200 or so including industry folk) birthday party for this fellow's daughter. Now, this is out in the country and little did we know, the "headliner" was a country cover band (we were a psychadelic/rock band), so the birthday girl and her guests were not pleased. However, all the "older" industry guys seemed to enjoy our set, so we decide to stick around, rub elbows and see what fun there was to be had. We enjoy some food and drinks. The drummer, myself and our manager (who works for the company) mostly hang out in the VIP tent smoking or in the saloon/man shed with the increasingly inebriated owner. We soon find out that this party is also doubling as a swinger party for the big kids, but all was not well in the land of fun, as we witnesed quite the drama between the owner and his wife when she discovered him getting "friendly" with one of her friends. This whole time, our singer/guitard is nowhere to be seen (I don't see him again until morning). This is where he was.....
Our singer/guitard had met a nice cuban fellow. He says "You know, our bassist occasionally likes some of the white stuff. I'll take some of that." Nice cuban fellow says "Sure, but I don't know you or trust you, so you'll have to party with me and my girlfriend first."
Supposedly, he tried to escape the "party" quite a few times but, I guess cubans can be very persuasive.
I never got the package, there was none left. I eventually fell asleep on a bean-bag chair in the VIP tent.
Morning: about 8 am. I awaken in the tent thinking "Time to drive back into town and lay down the scratch tracks. Where the hell is (guitard)?". The drummer and I walk the grounds looking for him. We come around to the front of the house where we find our missing person. He is still with the same 3 people he was with when I last saw him, about 11 hours pervious. He looks like a zombie. He spots us, and starts shouting some sort of sasquatch lanuage at us while stumbling at us looking as if he had rode a horse for about 12 hours. I smell him before he gets within 10 feet of me. Booooooooze. Turns out he had started drinking sometime in the wee hours, but because of all the blow, he wasn't "feeling" it.. so he drinks about two fiths of two different kind of liquor. Blow's wearing off, he's DRUNK. We hand him over to our friend/roadie to take back to town with him (because we don't want to smell him or have him puke in our car). On the way through the dirt parking lot to the car, he blacks out and falls flat on his face. On the freeway, we see him in the car repeatedly being shoved off of the poor driver's shoulder. We arrive home, unload some un-needed stuff, slam some doors and he doesn't budge. Already drenched in whiskey-sweat, it takes about 2 hours for him to start baking in the summer heat, causing him to stir around and open the door, then begin a losing battle with his seatbelt. He hangs half in the car and half in the gutter for a while (while we film it all and give him the nick-name of Jim Morrison). We finally get him in the house, drummer gives him some water and immediatly the vomiting begins. And continues... and continues. When the time comes, we pour him back into the car and head to the studio (yes, probably should have headed towards the hospital). While he's laying in the back of the un-loaded station wagon, the roadie/friend goes to get him his "cure-all": a giant bottle of Pedialite. Amazingly... it works! A few minutes later he's got some energy. Enough in fact, to make it through the guitar parts for the scratch tracks (after a little more puking). BUT...
His throat is so thrashed that he can't pull off the vocals. We're on a tight schedule and the rest of us are getting pissed again. If he can't do it, that sets us back. We break for dinner. Our producer takes us to a nice Thai place. We order, and he orders pad thai. We start discussing doing the vocals the next day, then the food comes. "Jim Morrison" takes one bite and shoves the plate away. He jumps up and runs off to the bathroom, and is there untill just before we pack his food up and pay the bill, when he walks swiftlt by and heads out front. Once we're done, we come out and he's standing at the other end of the car where he announces "I feel much better guys!". When I get to the end of the car, I see on the parking lot; the absolute largest spraying of vomit I have ever seen in my life! The puddle must've been at least 15 feet in diameter. Sure enough, we go back to the studio and he sucessfully completes all the vocal tracks (good enough for scratch tracks).
And that, my friends is Rock'n'Roll!

[nubbassist]

^I laughed my ass off at that one lol

[rcarraher]

The band had a regular gig the first of the year at this jazz/supper club outside L.A. When doing this gig we all stayed at my place (4 bedroom house, why not). One weekend I was sick as a dog, so we got another bass player from the local union. I fell asleep until about 2:30 am when the "boys' come strolling in.....with two girls. We did this a lot. We'd bring home some company and they'd cook for us while we did a "wind down" jam, then let nature take it's course.

This night, one girl had an eye for the drummer and her girlfriend was drunk as could be. She finally started looking sick, so I took her back to my bedroom, since I had the master and it had a private bathroom. She commences talk to "ralph" and I left her to it and fell asleep on the couch. Woke up about 5 am and helped her find her purse, girlfriend etc...and saw them off.

About a week later we are in the middle of the first set at the same restaurant and these same two girls come wandering in. The red head (that got sick and slept in my bed while I slept on the couch) plops down in front of the stage and made it known that she was taking me home that night. Cool, says I. She doesn't want to go to the house. Cool, says I. Let me make a couple calls. There's a nice little hotel up the street we played sometimes so I get hold of the manager who was a friend. he fixes me up with a room in an otherwise unoccupied wing. We come rolling in around 2:30 am, I comence to role up some rope. Open a bottle of wine and in between joints and drinks we had ourselves a grand old time.

Next morning, I wake up and she is in the shower. I swing my legs out of the bed and kick over her purse.....and a great big gun rolls out??? So she sashays in and I naturally ask her about the gun as I roll the last joint.

Oh, I'm a cop says she....right after that I had to use the bathroom!

[totallybacan]

Not the funniest, but two nights ago we were playing at a local show. I was turned around facing the drummer. I swing back around right as our lead singer is throwing her mic up in the air. The throw went to the left and back, in my direction. My headstock, as I'm spinning, grabs the cord in midair and right when she's coming to catch the mic she gets choked instead by the stuck cable that's now whipping across in her direction. Not knowing what happened, i swing back around to see and end up hitting her right in the temple with a one of the tuning keys. She was on the ground and all, but mind you, my G was out of tune!

[CatfishStudios]

Originally Posted by bassteban

I had food poisoning one time & ******* my then GF's bed in my sleep- twice. Sorry, no pics.

No pics, no *******.