Funny (but real) Musician Wanted Ads

[Chazinroch]

There are 3 or 4 local "musicians wanted" on-line sites. There are a number of really funny, most not intentionally, ads. I thought I start a thread so we can share some of the more bizarre, or funny ads. The only thing we need to do is to sanitize the ads to remove names or web addresses.

Here we go, this is a real ad:

Musicians Wanted:
I would be cool to find some musicians who are skillful and confident, but not a bunch of self serious a**holes.
If you say things like this during band sessions “Ok guys, not to be a d**k but we gotta practice up before the next gig.”, don’t bother replying.
If your main ambition is to create something as opposed to playing in some f***ing bar, than we are cool. Not that I wouldn't eventually want to play out. Originality counts. I don’t want to do Hootie and the Blowfish covers. If you are over thirty, don’t bother. Try to enjoy whatever small amount of time you have left, yuppie.

I don’t do progressive rock either, and this isn’t a question of skill, it’s just that I’m not a complete f**got.
If you like Metallica or Korn, Don’t bother. Deftones is OK. Actually, Deftones rock the s**t
If you like Green Day, don’t bother.
If you like Dream Theatre, don’t bother, and while you’re at it, kill yourself.
If you like Cold Play unabashedly, don’t bother. I’m not saying you can’t like Cold Play, but you have to feel a little ashamed if you do.
If you like Death Cab For Cutie…. well s**t, I actually like them.
If you like System of a Down, don’t bother
If you have ever owned, or even contemplated being interested in buying a NickelBack CD, or downloading any of their songs, I hope you get raped by an Iranian garbage man.
Dave Matthews Band is ok if they are a guilty pleasure, meaning you keep their CD hidden more securely than your midget porn, and if someone finds it, you justify yourself by claiming you listen to it only because Carter is such a good drummer.
If you can’t appreciate a good pop song, like that Umbrella song by what’s her name, don’t bother. You can at least dig it in an ironical way. I know it sucks, but your elitist scorn isn’t very novel, and it doesn’t make you seem any more cultured.


I like Mogwai, My Bloody Valentine, The Pixies, Broken Social Scene, Camera Obscura, Dredg, mum, Joy Division, The Who, Modest Mouse, Bjork, Arcade Fire, Radiohead, Broadcast, Smashing Pumpkins, Mars Volta, Flaming Lips, Tool (you have to be a casual Tool fan, if you own a Tool shirt, don’t bother), White Stripes, the Beatles, Lou Reed, David Bowie, Placebo, Jimi Hendrix, Van Morrison, Ryan Adams, Soul Coughing, Godspeed you black emperor, Sigur Ros, …get the idea???


I think it’s important that these things resonate with you somehow or else we will end up hating each other.

[Vic Winters]

"I know it sucks, but your elitist scorn isn’t very novel, and it doesn’t make you seem any more cultured."

Pot, this is Kettle. Kettle, Pot.

[Vandelay]

There's an odd one right now on our local Craigslist -- I never imagined that it'd be possible to combine the genres of "Christian rock" and "Death Metal". Then I looked up the websites for the other bands he mentioned, and discovered that I was wrong.
-----
Christian Death Metal Vocalist looking for a band to Join.

I am an 18 year old deathmetal vocalist who lives in Pleasant Valley,(Liberty area) im looking for a christian deathmetal band to join or am looking for other members, i am really serious about doing this and i want to use my talent to minister,i love God, and deathmetal/grindcore, all that heavy stuff, examples of the music i like, are Whitechapel, With Blood Comes Cleansing, Through The Eyes Of The dead, Underneath the Gun, i don't have a car(yet), so i'd have to have someone come pick me up to go to practice....

[Chazinroch]

Here's another one:

Bass player needed for outrageous, over-the-top, flashy/trashy, hard rock band. Influences include, but not limited to, Crue, VH/wDLR, AC/DC, KISS, Poison, Velvet Revolver, Buck Cherry, Green Day, Rage Against the Machine, etc. Covers/Origs/Remakes. Music from all decades of rock. Look Good (what does this mean? Be skinny, have long hair, if you are bald on top have the sides and back long and wear a hat), sing at least back-ups. BE COMPLETE! Be prepared to not fit in with what any other band is doing. This band is a start-up. Why? Because there isn't band in the upstate area that is doing it right. Be prepared to go on stage wearing something more interesting than a t-shirt/button-down shirt, regular blue jeans, a baseball cap, and proceed to stand in one spot the whole night. And no, I am not willing to deviat from hard rock and play "brown eyed girl", "signs signs everywhere signs", etc.

[Chazinroch]

One more. This one was quite clever, too bad the photos didn't copy over...


DRUMMER available
check out my SONGS HEREandhere

- kick a** rock n roll, funk, heavy stuff, hip hop, whateva..

- experience playing live, writing & recording

- pro gear/transportation/job

- "songwriter's drummer", can play to click & serve the song

INFLUENCES- Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, 311, Sevendust, Sly & The Family Stone, Rage Against The Machine, Tupac, Splashdown, Thornley and anything with a phat groove/melody...oh yeah, and these guys too.

I pride myself in being a super hi energy drummer that plays from the heart and will never "half ass" through a song. I wanna find people who can not only play, but "FEEL" the music like I do. Oh yeah, more important than anything else, i want this to be FUN !!!

IDEAL CANDIDATES-
GUITARIST- Be on time, in tune and play SIMPLE! must have kick ass TUBE amp with a lot of midrange, no cheesy (mid scouped) Line 6 digital amps with a zillion bad effects, keep it raw and real please, no stupid whammy bar wankers.

BASS PLAYER- keep it in the pocket, SIMPLE, in the groove and not too many higher "notes" or fills...have a decent bass(Fender Presision, Music Man Stingwray, ect), no annoying flangers or phasers please(your not Michael Anthoney doing a bass solo like its 1987)

SINGER- more important than anything else(including ability) have the attitude and cock sure confindence to rock the f***kin roof of the joint, your car speakers will not work for PA speakers, please have at least a 400 watt PA with 15inch speakers that is LOUD enough to hold it's own with a drummer
_ _ _ _ sorry if I sound like a conceded p***k, but I know what I like and refuse to waste my time with people who are not on the same page _ _ _ _

I am looking for seasoned and experienced musicians ONLY, please do not suck and waste my time. If you are interested, send an mp3 example of your playing(or a link to a website that has one) so I can get an idea of your ability.
REPLIES WITH NO SONGS ATTACHED WILL BE DELETED.

[skidrawk]

Originally Posted by Chazinroch

One more. This one was quite clever, too bad the photos didn't copy over...


DRUMMER available
check out my SONGS HEREandhere

- kick a** rock n roll, funk, heavy stuff, hip hop, whateva..

- experience playing live, writing & recording

- pro gear/transportation/job

- "songwriter's drummer", can play to click & serve the song

INFLUENCES- Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, 311, Sevendust, Sly & The Family Stone, Rage Against The Machine, Tupac, Splashdown, Thornley and anything with a phat groove/melody...oh yeah, and these guys too.

I pride myself in being a super hi energy drummer that plays from the heart and will never "half ass" through a song. I wanna find people who can not only play, but "FEEL" the music like I do. Oh yeah, more important than anything else, i want this to be FUN !!!

IDEAL CANDIDATES-
GUITARIST- Be on time, in tune and play SIMPLE! must have kick ass TUBE amp with a lot of midrange, no cheesy (mid scouped) Line 6 digital amps with a zillion bad effects, keep it raw and real please, no stupid whammy bar wankers.

BASS PLAYER- keep it in the pocket, SIMPLE, in the groove and not too many higher "notes" or fills...have a decent bass(Fender Presision, Music Man Stingwray, ect), no annoying flangers or phasers please(your not Michael Anthoney doing a bass solo like its 1987)

SINGER- more important than anything else(including ability) have the attitude and cock sure confindence to rock the f***kin roof of the joint, your car speakers will not work for PA speakers, please have at least a 400 watt PA with 15inch speakers that is LOUD enough to hold it's own with a drummer
_ _ _ _ sorry if I sound like a conceded p***k, but I know what I like and refuse to waste my time with people who are not on the same page _ _ _ _

I am looking for seasoned and experienced musicians ONLY, please do not suck and waste my time. If you are interested, send an mp3 example of your playing(or a link to a website that has one) so I can get an idea of your ability.
REPLIES WITH NO SONGS ATTACHED WILL BE DELETED.

I must be missing the comedy or it must be in the photos because I don't get it.

[Jim Breece]

"Dial9 sez: can't keep time? B*** me. Drop the beat? Drop dead. Real drummers call: xxx xxx-xxxx. "
I can leave the name in because it was my band. That got the best response of any ad we ever ran. Every drummer wanted to be sure we knew they were a real drummer. We got a good one and went on to claw our way to the lower lower middle of the local scene.

[MoD_Scotty]

Originally Posted by Chazinroch

If you have ever owned, or even contemplated being interested in buying a NickelBack CD, or downloading any of their songs, I hope you get raped by an Iranian garbage man.

LMAO!

[Mofo-Kang]

Originally Posted by Chazinroch

I think it’s important that these things resonate with you somehow or else we will end up hating each other.

Too late, I already hate this twit.

[K2000]

I see lots of ads that say things like "Influences are the Beatles, Bob Marley, U2, Guns & Roses, and the Sex Pistols"

Huh...? Those bands are totally all over the map. It sounds like they are totally confused about what they want to do.

The other thing I see a lot is ads that say "Experimental rock band" or "Avant Garde rock band" and then the ad says they're into Tool, At the Drive In, etc.

Dudes, Tool is arena rock, it's not experimental music.

[PocketGroove82]

I heard that Max Weinberg got his gig with "the boss", because he replied to a wanted add that stipulated "No Ginger Bakers".

[MoD_Scotty]

Originally Posted by K2000

Dudes, Tool is arena rock, it's not experimental music.

That makes no sense. It's like saying Rush is arena rock, not progressive. Just because a band has a large fanbase, and has the ability to fill arenas, doesn't automatically make it "arena rock." AC/DC is arena rock. I wouldn't necessarily say Tool is experimental, but they're definitely all over the friggin map.

[santucci218]

"If you like Dream Theatre, don’t bother, and while you’re at it, kill yourself."

oh man...i get so mad when people talk about Dream Theater like they suck...I HATE IT.

[Jimmyplaysabass]

i love garage/punk bands but all i can find is hardcore :C

[Silas Martinez]

Not sure how funny it is, but saw this gem posted today:

I am a guitarist/songwriter looking for a down-to-earth, open-minded, genuine, talented, garage level drummer, bass and extra guitar player between 30 and 40 for an original project. Genre is alternative/hard rock/punk. The sound is raw, rough and I have a tendency to sing off key. But I didn’t know you had to be Rosemary Clooney to sing Rock-n-Roll? There are plenty of people who think they are great enough to start at the top. Well it doesn’t work that way, my little egos. I want people who want a challenge. Most importantly, I want people who want to have fun. So, if you don’t like anything you read, who cares

[lunarpollen]

Originally Posted by khaspir

Not sure how funny it is, but saw this gem posted today:

I am a guitarist/songwriter looking for a down-to-earth, open-minded, genuine, talented, garage level drummer, bass and extra guitar player between 30 and 40 for an original project. Genre is alternative/hard rock/punk. The sound is raw, rough and I have a tendency to sing off key. But I didn’t know you had to be Rosemary Clooney to sing Rock-n-Roll? There are plenty of people who think they are great enough to start at the top. Well it doesn’t work that way, my little egos. I want people who want a challenge. Most importantly, I want people who want to have fun. So, if you don’t like anything you read, who cares

Yeah I saw that one today too.

I'd place an ad on CL to find people to make music with except that I know that nobody I'd want to work with would ever read it.

[Vic Winters]

Hey skidrawk, I saw the same ad in my local Craigslist (Rochester, NY).

[Chazinroch]

Wanted Organ/Keys Player wanted for Prog/Rock Band:

Established rock band looking for motivated organ player to help fill out our sound. NO D**KHEADS!! NO COCKY BASTARDS!!! Those positions are currently filled. We are currently a trio and do mostly originals. Please email Tom at the email address listed if you are interested

[joeydavidson]

Originally Posted by santucci218

"If you like Dream Theatre, don’t bother, and while you’re at it, kill yourself."

oh man...i get so mad when people talk about Dream Theater like they suck...I HATE IT.

Don't worry he'll be over 30 one day and his list of bands he likes reads just like a million other listmania! lists on amazon.

[Tommy el Gato]

My and my guitarist buddy are getting pretty desperate for a drummer, so I had him run an ad through myspace (since everyone in my area except myself have myspaces) saying:

Jesus and I need a drummer. So if you want to drum with us, let me know.