GOD CREATED THE BASS
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a fender, probably a Precision,
but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old.
definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was
very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though man would
later try). And so he let it be and he created a man to play the bass.
And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst'
red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang
through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb
came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and he
smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.
And God heard this funkiness and he said, "Go man, go." And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to
practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set
of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like
a breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which he
had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of
furniture, which he hadn't created yet, and he was not so pleased.
And he spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new
ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the
heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion.
(Some of the angels started to dance, but that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could he miss it - and lo he became bugged. And
he spoke to the man, and he said, "listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix,
I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But
now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the
frets off the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his
fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the
neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the
Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks.
And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and
rolled.
Now gods wrath was great. And his voice was thunder as he spoke to the man.
And he said, "OK for you, pal. You have not heeded my word. Lo, I shall
create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even
think of."
"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall
play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you always
stand next to the drummer."
"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to
make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other
instruments, and lo, they shall be able to play higher and faster than
the bass."
"And for all the days of man, your course shall be this; that all the
other musicians shall lookst you, the bass player, for the low notes."
"And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow"
but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for
your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for
all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to
sneak them in like a thief in the night."
"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the
bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."
And it was so.
