Ha

[Matt Till]

What does the stripper do to her ***hole before she goes to work?

















































Drops him off at band practice.


Sorry...

[Brad Maestas]

Niiiiice.

[The BurgerMeister]

good one!

[excane]

A guy walks in to a bar with an octopus and says "I'll bet anyone a hundred dollars my octopus can play any instrument"

The bartender hands the octopus a guitar and the octopus plays the guitar like Jimi Hendrix.

A waitress then hands the octopus a trumpet and the octopus plays the trumpet like Miles Davis.

The manager comes over and hands the octopus a set of bagpipes. The octopus fiddles for a few minutes, then puts the bagpipes down.

The manager says "Ah ha! Your octopus can't play it! You owe me a hundred dollars!"

The octopus looks up and says "Play it? After I get the stupid plaid pajamas off it, I'm gonna F*** it"

[Metallkasten]

hahahaha

[invader3k]

Oh yeah, I'm sure this thread is gonna stick around...

[Roland777]

Two fishes, sitting in a tank.









"Hey, you know how to drive this thing?"

[Synplicity]

Roflmao

[SkeetBeat]

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

[PalaNIN]

Here's a music one for ya:



A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims...

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.

[bubinga5]

What do you call a dog with no legs?





Call it what you want, it wont come to you..

[ebe9]

What do you call a fly without wings?


A Walk.



What do you call a fly without wings and without legs?


A raisin

[lowenduser]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £100.00

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he'd had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast - bacon, eggs, tomatoes, sausage, waffles, fried bread, mushrooms, black pudding and a big glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a mug of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the mug. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, but what's the five pounds for?"

Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.".

He said, "F*** him. Give him a fiver."

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea.".

[bubinga5]

What do you call a Mexican under a carpet?





Underlay.

[excane]

This might be the one that does it...........



A kid says to his father "daddy, what's a vagina look like?"

The father says "well son, before sex a vagina is like a rose with soft velvety pedals and the aroma of perfume"

The kid says "well, what does it look like after sex?"



The father says "Ever see a bulldog eating mayonnaise"

[tlwaps]

A father and his young son are walking through a store when they come up on the condoms and the kid asks,

"Dad, what's the 3 pack for?"

The father replies "That's for when you're in high school; 2 for friday night and one for saturday night."

Then the kid asks "Dad, what's the 6 pack for?"

Father replies "That's for when you're in college; 2 for friday night, 2 for saturday night and 2 for sunday morning."

Then the kid asks "Dad, what's the 12 pack for?"

Father replies "That's for when you're married; 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March...etc."

[Scourge441]

Originally Posted by tlwaps

A father and his young son are walking through a store when they come up on the condoms and the kid asks,

"Dad, what's the 3 pack for?"

The father replies "That's for when you're in high school; 2 for friday night and one for saturday night."

Then the kid asks "Dad, what's the 6 pack for?"

Father replies "That's for when you're in college; 2 for friday night, 2 for saturday night and 2 for sunday morning."

Then the kid asks "Dad, what's the 12 pack for?"

Father replies "That's for when you're married; 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March...etc."

Lol. I love that joke.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Three Jews walk into a bar. Three weeks later, they own it.

A blonde walks into a bar. I'm suprised she didn't see it.

A baby seal walks into a club.

[AdlerAugen]

Originally Posted by Scourge441

A blonde walks into a bar. I'm suprised she didn't see it.

That blonde was me. Except I'm a 'he.'

[repinique]

Originally Posted by PalaNIN

Here's a music one for ya:



A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims...

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

[Kosko]

Guy walks into a pychiatrists office wearing nothing but Sahran wrap. Psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts".