Hilarious/Scary/Bizarre Musican Audition Stories

[roysloco]

I got an audition to cover an absent bass player of a full-time band for their 3 month European tour.

This was such a big deal for me that I bought a 2nd hand Boss GT-6B I'd been eyeing up, learned my way round it and got some really nice effects for some of their songs (like a 'fade-in' type effect which was perfect for one of their slower songs etc...).

So the audition's going really well, everyone's impressed and I'm just starting to feel a bit less nervous when we play the slow song. This is one of the most sensitive and beautiful songs I've ever played bass for (only 4 very slow bass notes) and my fade-in effect is getting surprised and approving nods from the band - good times!!

At this point I get a little too 'relaxed' and decide I need just a tiny bit more volume which I decide to do by adjusting the master volume ... with my foot!
Accidentally I hit the patch switch and find myself playing through something called 'Black Death' (left by the previous owner)!!!! It was basically what it said on the tin, and the beautiful calm was suddenly demolished by a screaming wall of massively distorted echoing hell!!!!

We got to the end and no-one said anything for a few seconds, then the lead singer calmly said "Er ... yeah ... let's run through that one more time.".

Amazingly I got the job!!

[intheory]

GREAT story roy!!! lol-that sounds rough there for a minute...

[lousybassplayer]

I love this thread and wish I had something to contribute. Suffice it to say that when I audition I almost hope I won't get the job, since any band that would have me will inevitably suck hard enough to start a leaf blower anyway.

[addylewis]

Originally Posted by lousybassplayer

I love this thread and wish I had something to contribute. Suffice it to say that when I audition I almost hope I won't get the job, since any band that would have me will inevitably suck hard enough to start a leaf blower anyway.

Hey don't be so down on yourself man! SURELY you'll find a band one day...

[Valerus]

Originally Posted by roysloco

I got an audition to cover an absent bass player of a full-time band for their 3 month European tour.

This was such a big deal for me that I bought a 2nd hand Boss GT-6B I'd been eyeing up, learned my way round it and got some really nice effects for some of their songs (like a 'fade-in' type effect which was perfect for one of their slower songs etc...).

So the audition's going really well, everyone's impressed and I'm just starting to feel a bit less nervous when we play the slow song. This is one of the most sensitive and beautiful songs I've ever played bass for (only 4 very slow bass notes) and my fade-in effect is getting surprised and approving nods from the band - good times!!

At this point I get a little too 'relaxed' and decide I need just a tiny bit more volume which I decide to do by adjusting the master volume ... with my foot!
Accidentally I hit the patch switch and find myself playing through something called 'Black Death' (left by the previous owner)!!!! It was basically what it said on the tin, and the beautiful calm was suddenly demolished by a screaming wall of massively distorted echoing hell!!!!

We got to the end and no-one said anything for a few seconds, then the lead singer calmly said "Er ... yeah ... let's run through that one more time.".

Amazingly I got the job!!

hahaha that's awesome.

[williamk]

I've auditionned many guitarists; most of them send us amazing demos, but then in person they are barely able to play...really as if the demos were sent by a completely other person...I hate that, you get your hopes really high and then get really disapointed!

[addylewis]

Originally Posted by roysloco

I got an audition to cover an absent bass player of a full-time band for their 3 month European tour.

This was such a big deal for me that I bought a 2nd hand Boss GT-6B I'd been eyeing up, learned my way round it and got some really nice effects for some of their songs (like a 'fade-in' type effect which was perfect for one of their slower songs etc...).

So the audition's going really well, everyone's impressed and I'm just starting to feel a bit less nervous when we play the slow song. This is one of the most sensitive and beautiful songs I've ever played bass for - good times!!

At this point I get a little too 'relaxed' and decide I need just a tiny bit more volume...Accidentally I hit the patch switch and find myself playing through something called 'Black Death' (left by the previous owner)!!!! It was basically what it said on the tin, and the beautiful calm was suddenly demolished by a screaming wall of massively distorted echoing hell!!!!

Amazingly I got the job!!

THAT was great...ROFLROFL!!!

[addylewis]

I remember once i tried out for a rock/pop band with the manager there - sounded like a good deal, great singer, nice recordings done in Nashville...

I get there and we start playing, no probs til the drummer/SINGER started singing...anyone heard a cat being strangled?!?! NOT good...

Anyway after a few goes through the manager is insistant he wants me to anticipate the beat (not gonna happen...I LOCK with the drums, especially when auditioning!)

After a few more goes with the singing getting worse every time he tells the singer "you've got to rest your voice!" (now, EITHER he was really thinking the same as me ("bloody hell thats awful!") or he REALLY thought she just had to rest...!) I then do a couple solo audition pieces (bit of Jazz and "Albatross" by Fleetwood Mac) - when I've finished he tells me "What, you saying we don't need a guitarist?!?" - cheeky git, although I'm honestly quite proud I impressed him lol (Sub-standard ex-guitarist-come-manager?) I left and didn't get the call back - ah well, the band played an empty gig a couple years later then the drummer/singer stopped playing but kept singing I think...(She had a REAL decent voice, just NOT WHILST DRUMMING as I think she realised!)

Wellll...you live and learn don't ya?

[DaveDeMarco]

Great thread! I have an entire page of these stories up at www.davedemarco.com. Here's a sample:

This month's installment comes from the Audition chronicles. If you're in a band, you know how grueling the audition process can be. You do your best to weed out the wackos during the initial phone call and hope that whoever shows up can actually play. Plus, you're looking for someone who has half a brain and is a decent person. Being realistic - this is the music biz after all, you know you're not expecting an altar boy, but you're hoping your candidates fall somewhere between model citizen and axe-murderer. What you're about to read is the account of an applicant for the guitar position in Battery Apple who definitely leaned much closer to the latter.

I forget the name of this particular miscreant so let's call him Harold. He shows up and appears to have all the requisite, band guy accoutrements: ink, odd hair, all black attire with cryptic, unpronounceable metal band name emblazoned across front of said black t-shirt and various craniofacial metal protrusions. In one hand, his 7 string guitar. In the other, a six-pack of Weiderman's or some similar old fogey beer. It was for occasions such as this that I always wanted one of those game show buzzers mounted right on top of my amp. AAAIIIGGGNNT! The first thing you learn in Audition 101 is never show up w/ booze. What we didn't know was that he was concealing some more hooch in his blood stream. Yup, he was loaded. This is where it gets good...


Harold generously offered to share his alcohol with us but as tempting as that luke-warm Weiderman's was, we all declined to partake. He then cracked open a brew and began to set up while we probed into his past to see what we were getting into. He rattled off a few bands that he had been in (nope, never heard of 'em) and some other bands that he liked to listen to (ditto). He then asked what were into (duh, it was in the ad!) and when we mentioned a few bands like Kyuss and Deftones and he said he was a huge fan of both bands as well. Cool! Or so we thought. An inquiry as to what his favorite tracks were by either band revealed that he had "heard of" them but did not know any songs. Huge fan, eh? Hmpphh....

We then proceeded to play our demo for him so he could get a feel for what we were going to run through. Rather than listen, he felt compelled to play along with the tape, his amp cranked up way louder than the stereo was even capable of going. After a minute or so, our singer Tom was heading towards the stereo with a look of disgust on his face, presumably to stop the tape. Wanting to see exactly how self-absorbed Harold was, I motioned for Tom to let the tape play. Three minutes later the song stops, followed about 15 seconds later by Harold, who upon realizing he had been accompanying nothing, looked up and said "Hey!" as if he had just awoken and there we were. I then asked Harold if he had a feel for the song or if he wanted to listen to it this time. He said he was ready to go so Tom and I began showing him the chords to the intro. He was having some problems with one of the rhythms so we replayed the tape so he could hear it again. Right on cue, Harold then picks up where he left off with his stream of consciousness riffing. Hindsight being 20/20, in retrospect I would have stopped everything right there, thanked him for his time and sent him on his way with some Rice-a-Roni and Turtle Wax. But we hadn't quite had our fill of punishment for the day so we attempted to redirect his attention towards listening. I may have even snuck over and turned down his amp. Upon listening to the track, he had many revelations which had eluded him during the first go around. Feeling a little more comfortable with the track, we managed to get him through the intro but we returned to the tape several more times to get him through the rest of the song.

An hour later, feeling exhausted and knowing Harold was not our guy, we started to wrap things up, foregoing the usual part where we tell the applicant specifically what our game plan is. Little did we know, Harold had other plans in mind. We were about to enter the portion of the evening where we morph from audition to RECITAL! As we're putting our things away, Harold says "Hey, you guys wanna hear some of my originals?". In unison, three voices proclaim, "No, man...I....uh....I gotta get up early tomorrow so uh...." Before we can finish our collective sentence, Harold has cracked open another brew and is walking up to the mic. "Here, this'll just take a minute". Clearing his throat like a master orator about to address an assembly, he announces "You guys'll like this one." As you can imagine, we couldn't wait. I'm not quite sure what happened next.

A violent torrent of anguished low B-string riffing ensued for about 10 seconds, over which Harold belched rumbling, death metal vocals so undecipherable he made Pantera's Phil Anselmo sound like Steve Allen. Then came the best part. He would stop every few seconds to offer a commentary on his lyrics:

"BROUGHROUGROUGROUGHJORJORJOR"

"Um, this was about my mom getting fired from her job."

"RUUURRUUURRRUUUOOGGGHBLORBLORBLOR"

"We were all very sad. Especially my youngest sister. She had a pet hamster."

"JARGAFLARGAMARGAJOMGAFLARB"

"And then my girlfriend sensed that bad times were ahead so she dumped me."

He continued this for about a minute, then the commentary stopped. He either became so enraptured in his own performance that he forgot to translate for us or he just assumed that we had become fluent in his secret esophageal dialect and could now follow along on our own. When the exorcism....I mean song was over, the three of us could barely contain the laughter. I turned my back to Harold and began fiddling with my amp so he wouldn't see the tears running down my face. Our drummer, Mac tried the old "Hey that was really swell but...", however Harold had another ditty for us. For this peppy little toe-tapper, he detuned his low-B down to what must have been L and then launched into what sounded to these ears like part 2 of the previous song, complete with guttural, Nordic sounding vocals and more surprising translations to his lyrics. Tom went upstairs to get a drink while Mac began packing up his drums, leaving me to usher Lord Gorgometh back out into the underworld from which he came. Thanks, Mr. Happy...we'll be in touch.

A few days later, Harold called to follow up and see if we had made a decision. Here's what I told him:

"HORGJAMORGAFLORGADORRRRRRRRRRRRRRJJJJJJ"

"Uh, that means we're still auditioning and we'll call you if we're interested."

Actually I didn't think of doing that until after we hung up. Would have been great if I had!

Disclaimer: I have nothing against death metal. This guy just plain sucked!

For more bizarre band stories, visit: http://davedemarco.homestead.com/bizarre.html

[caeman]

I have never auditioned, or held an audition, so this thread has been very educational. Thank you for jumping on that grenade for the rest of us to learn from.

[Danzig]

I was looking for a Singer/Songwriter to collaberate with so I posted an add on Craigslist and got a reply from "Charlie". He stated that he had his own studio where he recorded all of his own songs, playing all of the instruments himself. He told me he had two whole albums of songs in the bank, but was looking for a "better" singer than himself. This all sounded interesting enough so we arrainged to meet at a coffee shop in town, a small town at that, and a coffee shop I frequented at the time so I pretty much knew everyone coming and going.
So Im sitting outside the coffe shop watching people come down the street and here comes this guy in neon green socks and birkenstocks, SHORT shorts and a matching neon green tank top. He was sweating profusley, but luckily had a neon green headband and "tie dyed" wrist bands on to handle the moisture. Obviously I am thinking "Heeeeeres Charlie!" as I watch him saunter into the coffee shop, look around a few times and come back out onto the street.
Heres where it gets good...He askes to hear my "stuff" first to see if we are "even on the same page" so I play him two songs off of a demo, me and an acoustic doing some lovers lament typed early twenties crap...we all remember that break up dont we?...and he just sits there staring at the cd player, no eye contact, no toe tapping, just staring at the cd player...super akward.
After the second song he says "That it?" and I say "yes" as if I had just been scolded. He pulls out his CDR and says "Wait till you hear this!" Out of the speakers comes the sound of a poorly programmed Boss drum machine, a horrible keyboard sound and some (Im reaching here) guitar. He is singing over it and it is just dreadful, his lyrics are all about how the "youth" needs to stop the corperations of the world (direct lyric I will NEVER forget!!!= "Pepsi and Brittney Spears aint my kinda Pop"
He then goes into a 5 minute schpeel about how my voice would be so much more suited for songs with "integrity" about "taking down the Man", instead of (direct quote again) "Useless dribble".
I politley pressed the stop button, ejected the CD and told him I was not interested, but thanks for sharing...it took me 10 minutes to get him out of my place, where he came knocking THREE seperate times to see if I "changed my mind yet".
I think I narrowly avoided being chopped into bits that day.

[COBRARI]

I ran into a few extra bucks a few years ago and bought a used Mexican Jazz. At that time I didn't know how to play.
Because I always enjoyed all kinds of music, I thought I would learn to play and maybe someday be in a band.
Well, I started listening harder to my Elmore James, Lightning Hopkins and Willie Dixon collection and discovered I could play along with the bass and sure enough, one day I realized that
for the most part, it was 1-4-5 with the song starting over after 12 measures. (I didn't know what any of that meant at the time. I just knew how to play it.

So one day I see an ad for a band needing a bass player.
I call and talk to this guy and never even ask what kind of music I would be auditioning for. The ad just said the name of the band, which I didn't know at the time was a real popular band in this town.

I show up on time and when I walked in to the classroom where the try-outs were I noticed all the musicians have
music stands and charts in front of them. Hmmmm? Oh well,
I can probably do alright. So I thought. One Bassist is starting
to play and one other cat is sitting on a couch waiting to play next.

Oh boy... the band leader is handing this guy charts and he is blowing through this Weather Report style Jazz without looking at his fretboard! Fretless too probably.

Anyway, after 20 minutes or so, the band leader tells him he is done and the other guy jumps up and heads over to the audition spot, carrying a stack of sheet music.

I go over to the fella I talked to on the phone and said "I think I need some lessons". I left and realized just how much more their is to music than the little world I was playing in.

I have been in a half dozen bands since then, one for five years and I don't know, maybe it's the gene pool but I now enjoy playing Classic Rock in a trio.

[NickInMesa]

I just had a band trying to get me to audition. I had to learn 20 some songs for an incoming "backyard party", and they were all uncommon songs.

When I told them they replied "you must not be good enough for us, then".

[dogofgod]

Originally Posted by COBRARI

I ran into a few extra bucks a few years ago and bought a used Mexican Jazz. At that time I didn't know how to play.
Because I always enjoyed all kinds of music, I thought I would learn to play and maybe someday be in a band.
Well, I started listening harder to my Elmore James, Lightning Hopkins and Willie Dixon collection and discovered I could play along with the bass and sure enough, one day I realized that
for the most part, it was 1-4-5 with the song starting over after 12 measures. (I didn't know what any of that meant at the time. I just knew how to play it.

So one day I see an ad for a band needing a bass player.
I call and talk to this guy and never even ask what kind of music I would be auditioning for. The ad just said the name of the band, which I didn't know at the time was a real popular band in this town.

I show up on time and when I walked in to the classroom where the try-outs were I noticed all the musicians have
music stands and charts in front of them. Hmmmm? Oh well,
I can probably do alright. So I thought. One Bassist is starting
to play and one other cat is sitting on a couch waiting to play next.

Oh boy... the band leader is handing this guy charts and he is blowing through this Weather Report style Jazz without looking at his fretboard! Fretless too probably.

Anyway, after 20 minutes or so, the band leader tells him he is done and the other guy jumps up and heads over to the audition spot, carrying a stack of sheet music.

I go over to the fella I talked to on the phone and said "I think I need some lessons". I left and realized just how much more their is to music than the little world I was playing in.

I have been in a half dozen bands since then, one for five years and I don't know, maybe it's the gene pool but I now enjoy playing Classic Rock in a trio.

These are the types of moments that make you realize you have miles to go. The more of these moments you have the better you will become. I always appreciate listening to different bass players, and even if I am more technical than the person i am listening to, I am always able to walk away with a new appreciation for a different style of playing or construction of a different style of bass line. Never ever stop learning.

[mike.b]

auditioned a female drummer for a who covers band and she was utter crap.couldn't even lay down a simple beat let alone a who song.the whole band was embarrassed by her lack of skill.suffice to say we didn't ask her back.
auditioned for a heavy metal rock band(when i was a guitard)and when i turned up they all looked down at my strat and transistor amp with utter disgust.they were gibson fanatics with marshall stacks.kept slagging off my amp and strat.glad i didn't get it.

[NickInMesa]

Originally Posted by mike.b

auditioned a female drummer for a who covers band and she was utter crap.couldn't even lay down a simple beat let alone a who song.the whole band was embarrassed by her lack of skill.suffice to say we didn't ask her back.
auditioned for a heavy metal rock band(when i was a guitard)and when i turned up they all looked down at my strat and transistor amp with utter disgust.they were gibson fanatics with marshall stacks.kept slagging off my amp and strat.glad i didn't get it.

They are right. Strats make awful metal guitars.

[azureblue]

I just did an audition- this is rich- the guy wanted a white soul band with four horns, a bit of rearrangements with extra funk, which is right up my alley, since I also write horn charts. So I show up, and the guy drags out "Hip to Be Square" with a written bass part. Uh, OK. To be safe, I decided to play it off the paper rather than from memory- kind of fun, actually. Nailed it. Then the guy says play "Signed, Sealed, Delivered". Again no problem there, since I play Jamerson's part nearly note for note, as homage. Twice through, and the singer says I'm playing too busy. Uh, OK dude, whatever you want, so I simplified it, dumped the passing tones and other embellishments and "bleached it out" (played it "white", like it was a Vegas lounge tune) and the guy loved it. Then he pulls out "Expressway to Your Heart" and I am beginning to get some doubts about this guy's concept. OK play it down, no problem. Then I hand him one of my charts, a funked up version of "Feelin' Alright" for four horns, figuring this was an easy song and everybody would know it well enough to bull through it. After once through, he declares it "too jazzy", and I'm thinking "***, dude, the horn ideas I lifted from Joe Tex!". So then he pulls out a book of Chicago tunes, and hands out 25 or 6 to 4. Ahem. Chicago- soul? I doubt it.

[ZevTheOwl]

I got some stories....

Back when I was 18 and playing rhythm guitar, my buddy (lead guitar) & I were auditioning Bass players. This one BP shows up with his bass in one of those old army duffle bags and a tiny little combo amp. My buddy and I just look and I just look at each other. We get ready to play and BP has no cable and no strap. We lend him some extras that are lying around. We start jamming & he plays slightly behind the beat, but has it down pretty good. We then decide to play a cover, something incredibly easy, I think it was Blitzkrieg Bop. BP looks at us like a deer in the headlights even after we show him how. Needless to say, we didn't play with him again.

A couple of years later, my buddy and I are playing the same instruments, only this time we were looking for drummers. We clearly put our ages & our influences in the advert (flyers in music stores - this was pre-Craigslist). First drummer calls up and we conduct a quick phone interview. Drummer #1 not only has never heard of any of our influences but also does not listen to the music we were using as inspiration (think Stooges meets Miles Davis). We thanked him politely but turned him down. Second drummer calls up a few days later. This one doesn't currently have a kit and wanted to know if we could provide one. We say sure, but then he wants us to bring it over to his place so he can audition. That and he was 50 years old.

Eventually, my buddy and I wised up. He switched to drums and I went to bass. Neither one of us ever looked back but when it came time to find guitar players...Sweet Jaco, were we really that obnoxious?

[scorpionldr]

Originally Posted by Danzig

He askes to hear my "stuff" first to see if we are "even on the same page" so I play him two songs off of a demo, me and an acoustic doing some lovers lament typed early twenties crap...we all remember that break up dont we?...and he just sits there staring at the cd player, no eye contact, no toe tapping, just staring at the cd player...super akward.
After the second song he says "That it?" and I say "yes" as if I had just been scolded. He pulls out his CDR and says "Wait till you hear this!" Out of the speakers comes the sound of a poorly programmed Boss drum machine, a horrible keyboard sound and some (Im reaching here) guitar. He is singing over it and it is just dreadful, his lyrics are all about how the "youth" needs to stop the corperations of the world (direct lyric I will NEVER forget!!!= "Pepsi and Brittney Spears aint my kinda Pop"
He then goes into a 5 minute schpeel about how my voice would be so much more suited for songs with "integrity" about "taking down the Man", instead of (direct quote again) "Useless dribble".
I politley pressed the stop button, ejected the CD and told him I was not interested, but thanks for sharing...it took me 10 minutes to get him out of my place, where he came knocking THREE seperate times to see if I "changed my mind yet".
I think I narrowly avoided being chopped into bits that day.

so.......whats the obsession with writing love songs?