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  #1  
Old 12-10-2013, 07:51 AM
jjk2007's Avatar
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Endorsing Artist: Hartke Amplification
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Austin, TX
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How many apply to you??!!

Found this on the Austin CL the other day.


Bass Player Offenses and Fines
Bass player offenses/fines list

Name of offender _____________________________
Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______

Musical offenses

Playing loudly during warm up -- $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping -- $25
Loud cursing after mistake -- $10
Playing high and fast after mistake -- $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes -- $20
Asking for "E" tuning note -- $25
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb -- $50
Playing written-out walking line -- $50
Failure to play written walking line -- $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes -- $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures -- $50
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo -- $75
Dragging ballad tempo -- $100
Blacking out during ballad -- $200
Ignoring drummer's tempo -- $100
Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me -- $1000

Upright player offenses

Showing up before first downbeat -- $25
Playing audibly -- $25
Faking changes -- $25
Slapping -- $150
Excessive sweating -- $25
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo -- $50
Asking leader for a solo -- $30
Accepting solo when offered -- $50
Taking second chorus -- $100
Playing solo arco -- $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune -- $25
Playing "A Train" ending on every tune -- $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune -- $500

Electric player offenses

Checking hair between tunes -- $15
Experimenting with odd meters -- $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill -- $25
Playing with a pick -- $50
Tuning during ballad -- $30
Playing Jaco groove on samba -- $75
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad -- $150
Attempting last word on final chord -- $50
Achieving last word on final chord -- $100
Long gliss down to final note -- $200

Equipment violations--electric

Forgetting strap -- $10
Changing strings after every set -- $15
Using electric tuner -- $15
Setting up mic "just in case" -- $75
Forgetting to turn amp on -- $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip -- $50
Asking horn player for help moving amp -- $25
Bringing custom-made bass -- $100 per string above 4
Bringing more than 1 bass -- $100 per extra bass
Skull decals on bass -- $150
Bringing fretless bass -- $500

Criminal bad taste

Telling bone player about all the gigs you get -- $10
Asking bone player about their day gig -- $10
Sitting behind drums on break -- $10
Quoting "Birdland" -- $25
Practicing scales during break -- $25
Practicing scales during drum solo -- $50
Practicing -- $150
Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" -- $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" -- $100

Basic stupidity

Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt -- $10
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt -- $20
Asking when the rock set starts -- $20
Continually asking "where are we?" -- $25
Continually shouting "Yeah!" -- $25
Asking bone player where "1" is -- $50
Taking cellphone call during 4's -- $100

do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
  #2  
Old 12-10-2013, 09:14 AM
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Well I guess I get fined $50, but YOU try playing Enter Sandman without a pick.

Oh wait, there's another $150.
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Last edited by Hamlet7768 : 12-10-2013 at 09:18 AM.
  #3  
Old 12-10-2013, 09:21 AM
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Location: Houston, TX
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This list has been around longer than the internet. It still cracks me up. Though since I suspect someday soon people won't understand the references to trombone this is the one that I LOL'd at...
Asking bone player about their day gig -- $10
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  #4  
Old 12-10-2013, 09:22 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Italy, Brescia
Playing loudly during warm up -- $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping -- $25
Loud cursing after mistake -- $10
Playing high and fast after mistake -- $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes -- $20
Writing note names over ledger-line notes -- $50
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
Checking hair between tunes -- $15
Experimenting with odd meters -- $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill -- $25

Attempting last word on final chord -- $50
Achieving last word on final chord -- $100
Long gliss down to final note -- $200
Using electric tuner -- $15
Setting up mic "just in case" -- $75
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip -- $50
Bringing more than 1 bass -- $100 per extra bass
Bringing fretless bass -- $500
Sitting behind drums on break -- $10
Practicing scales during break -- $25
Practicing scales during drum solo -- $50
Continually asking "where are we?" -- $25
  #5  
Old 12-10-2013, 09:26 AM
Jiker75's Avatar
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Brooklyn, NY
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great, I'm broke now
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  #6  
Old 12-10-2013, 09:38 AM
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This could cure our gas... we won't have any money left.
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  #7  
Old 12-10-2013, 09:44 AM
FretNoMore's Avatar
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Location: The frozen north
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I don't even dare go through the whole lot, I probably couldn't afford it.
  #8  
Old 12-10-2013, 09:48 AM
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Missing root at end of blistering fill

Been known to happen every now and again. lol
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  #9  
Old 12-10-2013, 10:04 AM
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Location: Planet Earth
I've missed a few root notes after a fill but otherwise I'm clean!
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  #10  
Old 12-10-2013, 11:25 AM
The Fat Violin
 
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Um... No comment.
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  #11  
Old 12-10-2013, 04:16 PM
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Location: Scotia NY
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I'm in it for $1,680, plus immediate dismissal.
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  #12  
Old 12-10-2013, 04:28 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Boulder Suburbia, Colorado
As for stuff I've done...

Playing loudly during warm up -- $10
Loud cursing after mistake -- $10
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
Playing audibly -- $25
Faking changes -- $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill -- $25
Playing with a pick -- $50
Forgetting strap -- $10
Using electric tuner -- $15
Setting up mic "just in case" -- $75
Forgetting to turn amp on -- $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip -- $50
Bringing more than 1 bass -- $100 per extra bass

Not bad, I guess... But I don't ever play with horns or written music and my band doesn't have a "leader".

What's wrong w/ an electric tuner, btw?
  #13  
Old 12-10-2013, 07:50 PM
The Fat Violin
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Supporting Member
OK, maybe I should 'fess up:

Musical offenses

Playing loudly during warm up -- $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping -- $25
Playing high and fast after mistake -- $20
Asking for "E" tuning note -- $25
Failure to play written walking line -- $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes -- $50
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo -- $75
Blacking out during ballad -- $200
Ignoring drummer's tempo -- $100

Upright player offenses

Showing up before first downbeat -- $25
Playing audibly -- $25
Faking changes -- $25
Slapping -- $150
Excessive sweating -- $25
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune -- $25
Completely missing a string -- fine TBD

Electric player offenses

Missing root at end of blistering fill -- $25
Playing with a pick -- $50
Attempting last word on final chord -- $50
Achieving last word on final chord -- $100
Long gliss down to final note -- $200
Getting distracted and forgetting what's going on during a ballad -- fine TBD

Equipment violations--electric

Forgetting strap -- $10
Using electric tuner -- $15
Setting up mic "just in case" -- $75
Forgetting to turn amp on -- $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip -- $50
Bringing more that one amp larger than one person can carry in one trip -- fine TBD
Bringing more than 1 bass -- $100 per extra bass
Bringing fretless bass -- $500

Criminal bad taste

Wearing shiny polyester shirt -- fine TBD
Wearing shiny polyester shirt the second time -- find to be doubled
Wearing shiny polyester shirt regularly -- removal from polite society

So there you have the list of transgressions. There are more, but I don't remember them all. It took a long time to achieve this kind of rap sheet. You can all do it if you spend the time and put in the effort. As you can see, the original list of transgressions isn't complete. Good thing I have a day job to pay the fines.
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Last edited by Gaolee : 12-10-2013 at 07:53 PM.
  #14  
Old 12-11-2013, 11:22 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nebraska USA
Ooh, damn. $415 every Sunday morning for me, then, plus dismissal.
Playing above first octave - dismissal
Using a pick - $50
Gliss down to final note - $200
Using electronic tuner - $15
Practicing - $150

Gonna get pricy real fast...
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  #15  
Old 12-11-2013, 11:28 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
I'm just breaking $900 every two weeks on average.

I'm somewhat surprised there aren't fines for "playing on any other strings but E" and for "acting like part of the band around fans and groupies".
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