How to sing the blues (long, but funny)

[basstrader]

I found this several years ago, and just dug it out of the archives. ROTFLMBO (b is for butt)

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
by Lame Mango Washington

(attributed to Blind Liney Crawford with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Clueless Boo Radley

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.

[Sonorous]

Haha, I loved it. Thank you.

[waxcomb]

21. If you loved it, you can't have the blues. But if you loved it and then lost it, had it stolen or gambled it away...

[Shoka42]

It's all so true...

I woke up dis mornin'
put a comb through mah hair
I went down ta market
to see them girlies there

I woke up this mornin
put some grease through mah hair
I went down tah the cellar
and dranks all my whiskey there.

[Only]

Originally Posted by basstrader

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

I think I'm gonna change my name to Hangnail Avocado Nixon now.

[Matt Till]

A blues line I wrote

"The Blues (Part One"
By: Smokin' Cat Thrill

Jesus is standin' in the corner, and he's givin me that machine gun stare. I said Jesus is standin' in the corner, givin' me that machine gun stare. When the mailman's on steroids, you gotta know what clothes to wear.

[IvanMike]

"that be some funny stuff"

-aids apple adams

[Hella_Groovy]

I'm "Gimpy Jeff Clinton"! ... oops, I mean

[Bard2dbone]

This came up a while back. I think my favorite blues formula name was Flaccid Banana Johnson.

[Bruce Lindfield]

Ingrown Toenail Cherry Reagan

[wulf]

Originally Posted by Bruce Lindfield

Ingrown Toenail Cherry Reagan

No... I think that's cyan at best...

Wulf

[Bruce Lindfield]

Woke up this mornin'...
- dun dun duh duh
My whole foot was swollen up...
- dun dun duh duh
Gotta wait four years for an operation
- dun dun duh duh
Get that toenail cut out...
- [walking bass line comes in]
I got those Old Big Toe Blues!

[Bard2dbone]

If you're gonna have an ingrown toe nail for four years, will you be able to do a good walking bass line? Is there such a thing as a limping bass line?

[Bruce Lindfield]

Well as you guessed, I'm speaking from personal experience of a bad time in my life!!

So - when I went to the National Health Service - they said there was a 4 year waiting list - I had the Blues!!

But then I discovered I could go to a private chiropodist and pay £120 per toe, to have them removed - I no longer had the Blues - but as you say, it was easier to walk about and drive to gigs!!

[jammadave]

Hilarious.

Passed this around to all my friends. We made some good names here.

I am Tuberculosis Grape Monroe, my girlfriend wants to be Limping Melon Polk....

but the best one ever, and one that has earned a permanent new nickname for my guitarist friend Dave K:

Lupus Lime Carter.

[5stringDNA]

So true, and so hilarious.. I can hear BB King singing right now...

[JOhnk]

potentially malignant neck growth clementine truman...

...does not exactly roll off the tongue.

[pepito]

Diabetic Pineapple Kennedy.

[Matt Till]

Genital Herpes Passion Fruit Bush?

[Mellem]

Originally Posted by Matt Till

Genital Herpes Passion Fruit Bush?

You can't lose with minor sexually transmitted diseases. Or alliteration:
Krabs Kumquat Kerry
I think intentionally mispelled words are Bluesy too.