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04-20-2008, 10:47 PM
| | | | I need some jokes to say in school
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ya so im in orchestra and their is a lot of stuck up people in my orchestra that look down on me because they don't show the standing bass nor the bass guitar the respect they diserve and i need some more material to say to those evil people 
so far i got a good one for cellos
good bassists go into bands after highschool, good celloists play in subway stations |
04-20-2008, 11:46 PM
| | Peavey Partizan | | Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Long Island NY/College Park MD | | | First rule of orchestra jokes is always pick on the violists. Some to get you started:
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
1. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
2. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
1. Shoot 11 of them.
2. Shoot all of them.
3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?
I play cello, so I could do this all day. Good luck.
__________________
During a jazz gig, it was time to play So What. The keyboard player says, "This one's all about the bass."
The drummer says, "All about the bass? That must be why it's called So What."
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04-20-2008, 11:50 PM
| | | Quote:
Originally Posted by Zachass  First rule of orchestra jokes is always pick on the violists. Some to get you started:
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
1. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
2. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
1. Shoot 11 of them.
2. Shoot all of them.
3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?
I play cello, so I could do this all day. Good luck. |  wow!!! lol |
04-20-2008, 11:53 PM
|  | Registered User | | Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: La Mesa (San Diego area), Cali | | | Why is a viola twice as good as a violin--
It burns twice as long!
If you have a chorus:
What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
Lipstick!
Dan K.
__________________
Cosmo420 - What happened in the past is not relevant. The one exception is when you and the wife are arguing. At that point she is allowed to bring up any dead issue from the past. You are not.
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04-20-2008, 11:57 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Los Angeles, CA | | Quote:
Originally Posted by Zachass First rule of orchestra jokes is always pick on the violists. Some to get you started:
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
1. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
2. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
1. Shoot 11 of them.
2. Shoot all of them.
3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?
I play cello, so I could do this all day. Good luck. | 
__________________
Battles, Blonde Redhead, The Mars Volta, and Hella = Best bands :D Quote:
Originally Posted by JAUQO III-X I say lets Plek the Panda :) | |
04-21-2008, 12:00 AM
| | | | whats the difference between a kidneystone and a violin solo
the kidney stone is quicker and less painful |
04-21-2008, 12:28 AM
|  | Groovin' Eskrimador
Lark in the Morning Instructional Videos; Audix Microphones | | Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Santa Cruz Mtns, California | | What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The size of the player's ego...
__________________ Quote:
Originally Posted by KillianRussell The best hat for metal, is the hat the dude, Kesslari wore the other day to open for The Ohio Players. | Funkranomicon
Fretless Instrumentals: Folk in A
Zon, Genz Benz, BFM and LDS
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04-21-2008, 12:35 AM
| | Banned | | Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Northampton Mass | | Personally I wouldn't pick on the violist second to bass trombone I find that to be the hardest,scarcest to find a good one, to hire/work with.
Be nice to them,  you made need them one day.
Aj |
04-21-2008, 12:37 AM
| | | | i play trombone.......... |
04-21-2008, 12:53 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada | | | Ok, this isnt an orchestral joke but it is gauranteed to kill every time.
"Whats the deal with airplane food? Every time I eat it I always think 'wow, this really is as plain as [i]air[/i.]'"
......................................... |
06-06-2008, 11:45 PM
| | | | what does a cello and a relaxation candle have in common?
people feel better when they are on fire |
06-07-2008, 01:07 AM
|  | TalkBass' resident Bongo + Cowbell player | | Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Bucaramanga, Colombia, South A | | | More about violas:
- Why violas can't be heard in a symphony orchestra's recording? Because sound engineers are supposed to remove annoying noises.
- Classified ad: "18th century viola for sale. Absolutely new from fifth position and up."
- How does a violist practice a trill? Playing "Für Elise" intro.
- A violist from an average orchestra finds a magic lamp. After rubbing it, a genie appears and tells him that he can grant him three wishes. "I want to be the best violist in my orchestra!", says the man. Next day, all of his mates and director were in awe at his skills and he became the orchestra's first viola player.
"OK. Which is the next one?" asked the genie. "I want to be the best violist in the world!", the guy said. Next day, nobody was a better violist than him. Berlin Philharmoniker, world tours as a soloist... he became the biggest viola superstar.
"So, which is the last one?" -"I don't know, genie, I've accomplished so many things... I just want something bigger than what you've granted me so far". -"OK. Piece o'cake", replied the genie. Next day, the guy was back in his old orchestra, sitting at the last desk of second violins. |
06-07-2008, 02:18 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Boise, ID USA | | | Point to your bass. Point to a violin. Say to the violinist: "You picked it before it was ripe!"
Alternate version.
Point to bass. "This..is what one of those..." point to violin "looks like when its ripe."
__________________
Vintage Bass Club Member #32, Fender Jazz Bass Club Member #117, Old Basstards #27, SX Club Member in Good Standing.
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06-07-2008, 02:36 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Great Lakes, IL so lame | | | conductor jokes are fun.
whats the difference between a symphonic orchestra and a bull?
on a bull the horns are in the front and the a**hole is in the back.
what did the *insert annoying classmate's intrument of choice* get on his/her IQ test?
drool.
__________________
"you can't fake tooth enamel hitting nickel strings so easily." posted on youtube regarding hendrix playing with his teeth.
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06-07-2008, 02:39 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: SE Wisconsin | | | simply talk about your gigs... and that they pay... and that you'd have more if you weren't in school... then ask them about their last gig |
06-07-2008, 02:46 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Southeastern Connecticut USA | | | What do throw a drowning trombone player?
His trombone!
Did you hear the one about the bass player that locked his keys in his car? It took him an hour to get the drummer out.
What's the first thing a vocalist does in the morning? Puts on her clothes and goes home.
How do you know when the stage is level? The drummer drools out of BOTH sides of his mouth.
How can you tell the trombone players kid on the play ground? He can't swing and is afraid of the slide.
I'll be here all week! Try the veal!
Last edited by kayakbass : 06-07-2008 at 02:51 PM.
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06-07-2008, 03:24 PM
| | | Quote:
Originally Posted by kayakbass
I'll be here all week! Try the veal!
| veal is cruel dude, try the lentil soup. |
06-07-2008, 04:37 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: La Mesa (San Diego area), Cali | | | What's the difference between a high school band and a moose? On a moose the horns are in front and the a$$ is in back. I had some REALLY bad music teachers. Dan K.
__________________
Cosmo420 - What happened in the past is not relevant. The one exception is when you and the wife are arguing. At that point she is allowed to bring up any dead issue from the past. You are not.
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06-07-2008, 05:53 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: tulsa oklahoma | | Quote:
Originally Posted by kayakbass What do throw a drowning trombone player?
His trombone!
How can you tell the trombone players kid on the play ground? He can't swing and is afraid of the slide.
I'll be here all week! Try the veal! |
lately ive been playing more trombone gigs than bass.
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[witty signature here]
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06-07-2008, 06:11 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Swede lost in the 5th republic | | Quote:
Originally Posted by sasquatchofohio ya so im in orchestra and their is a lot of stuck up people in my orchestra that look down on me because they don't show the standing bass nor the bass guitar the respect they diserve and i need some more material to say to those evil people
so far i got a good one for cellos
good bassists go into bands after highschool, good celloists play in subway stations | Heard about the orchestra that got locked up in the rehearsal room?
They spent all day looking for the key, finally got out when the bass came in.
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