I need some jokes to say in school

[kayakbass]

Originally Posted by namraj

veal is cruel dude, try the lentil soup.

I don't touch or support the stuff man. Just an old stand-up line. I also won't eat anything that sounds like a Streisand movie either.

[kayakbass]

Originally Posted by jonathan_matos5

lately ive been playing more trombone gigs than bass.

Good for you! It's all the same clef dude! We're still brothers, ain't we? In my next life, I'm coming back as Fred Wesley! He's da MAN!

[kaputsport]

How do you tune 2 flutes...

Shoot one.

[kayakbass]

Originally Posted by kaputsport

How do you tune 2 flutes...

Shoot one.

....and one time, at band camp...

[tabufx50]

What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians?

Drummers

[f'nar f'nar]

Got a lengthy one.

A conductor for a symphony orchestra finally gets fed up with life and his terrible symphony which sounds terrible every show and decides he wants to go out with a shocking exit. So one night, mid set, he pulls out and gun and shoots a young lady in the front row and is dragged off and sentenced to death. He gets strapped into the chair and is offered any last requests. He asks for a banana, he eats his banana and the switch is flipped. But to everyones amazement, he survives and is allowed to go free.
The next night he returns to the orchestra and mid set, removes a semi-automatic and takes out the entire front row of people. Again he is dragged off and sentenced to death, he is strapped into the chair and asks for a whole bunch of bananas. He finishes the bunch and the switch is flipped. Amazingly, he again survives and is let free.
The next show he again loses his **** and throws a grenade into the crowd, obliterating most of it. He is once more dragged off and sentenced to death, he asks for an entire bucket of bananas which he promptly consumes before the switch is flipped. Again, he survives. The guards at this point are amazed by his survival and ask: "How are you surviving, is it the bananas?"
He replies: "No, I'm just a bad conductor."

[makaky]

How do you call a musicien with no girlfriend ?

A homeless

[sirdugh]

I'll give you my all-time favorite musician joke and you can subsitute whichever instrument you wish.

What does a bass player use for birth control?




His personality.


OK, maybe it isn't appropriate for school band but I still love it.

[Wootsticks]

What's the difference between a tenor and an alto?
Tenors don't have back hair.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
Not much, it's just the player's head size that makes them look different.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two more to say they could have done it if they could get that high.

These two tuba/bass players walked past a bar.
Well, it could happen.

Note: I had to copy and paste this one because I'm lazy.
There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.

A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chainsaw?
The chainsaw will eventually stop.
OR
Vibrato.

How many trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Eight. Two to do it, three to complain about how they could do it too, and three more to drink/smoke weed until the room spins.
(More fun if you actually have eight trumpets in a section)

What's the difference between a dead oboe player on the road and a dead squirrel on the road?
There might be skid marks in front of the squirrel.

How do trumpets generally greet eachother?
Hi, I am better than you.
OR
Hi, I can play higher than you.

NOTE: I copied this one too. Again, lazy.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Three, One to change it, one to say that Jaco only needed four strings and another to say that Jaco didn't need frets.

What does a string quartet consist of?
A good violinist.
A bad violinist.
An ex-violinist.
And a violin-hater.

Orchestra buddies will get a laugh out of that one.

And that's all that I can think of right now.

[VisualShock]

How can you tell if there's a drummer at the door?

He doesn't know when to come in.

[namraj]

Originally Posted by kayakbass

I don't touch or support the stuff man. Just an old stand-up line. I also won't eat anything that sounds like a Streisand movie either.

it was a joke, hense lentil soup as my alternative, I don't eat veal, but i got that it was a line dw, i just thought it was quite funny, obv i was wrong

[Chebass88]

OK, I've got a few:

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano & a baby elephant? -- About 11 pounds

What do playing a cello in a kilt & driving a car without hubcaps have in common? They both leave your nuts exposed.

What's the difference between a soprano & a toilet? The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

What's the range of a good tuba? About 20 yards if you've got a great arm.

OFF-COLOR:
A musician gets a recording gig, and after laying down the tracks, he asks what the project is. The engineer tells him its for a movie & gives the address of the theater where the premier will be. The musician goes, and is shocked to find out that it is an extreme hardcore porn movie. Embarassed, he turns to the couple sitting next to him and says "I'm really just here for the music". They reply, "That's ok, we're just here to see our dog!"

A jazz pianist gets a gig playing at a bar, and is approached after a particularly beautiful melody. "That was beautiful, what's the name of that song?"
"That was 'Flip 'er over & try it again'".
After another beautiful melody, another customer compliments him & asks the name of the tune. "That was 'Eff her sister in the A'". The pianist takes a break and is about to start the next set. A customer comes up and asks the pianist "do you know your pants are open & your junk is hanging out"? The pianist replies, "Know it?!?, I WROTE IT!!!"

[WyrdoBass]

Originally Posted by sasquatchofohio

so far i got a good one for cellos

good bassists go into bands after highschool, good celloists play in subway stations

A: we are CELLISTS not CELLOISTS

B: do not insult the cellos. at my school at least us cellos and bass gotta stick together or get crushed under the mindless keening of the upper strings.

IMO the violin is the midget of the string family...

ISULTING OURSELVES AS BASSISTS:

1. Q: What's the difference between God and a bass player?
A: God doesn't think he's a bass guitarist

2. Q. How can a bass player make a million dollars playing?
A. Start with two million

3. Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man: "what did you do on earth?"
Man 1: "I was a doctor"
St Peter: "go right through those pearly gates"
St Peter: "and what did you do on earth?"
Man 2: " I was a teacher"
St. Peter: "go right through those pearly gates"
St. Peter: "and what did you do on earth?"
Man 3: "I was a bass player"
St. Peter: " Go around the side, up the freight elevator, and through the kitchen."

4. Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play bass and doesn't.

had to share these with the rest of yas

[Jools4001]

Originally Posted by VisualShock

How can you tell if there's a drummer at the door?

He doesn't know when to come in.

I think you will find that it's because the knocking speeds up


You know there's a vocalist trying to get in your door because they're fumbling around trying to find the right key, and even when they've found it they don't know when to come in

[Rickett Customs]

Originally Posted by sasquatchofohio

ya so im in orchestra and their is a lot of stuck up people in my orchestra that look down on me because they don't show the standing bass nor the bass guitar the respect they diserve and i need some more material to say to those evil people

so far i got a good one for cellos

good bassists go into bands after highschool, good celloists play in subway stations

Keep playing bass and never mind them, you may be more marketable once out of high school, so I wouldn't sweat it.

[fretlessman71]

What road did the country bass player live on?

Route 5!

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How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?

No idea; they're all too busy at GIGS.