I recently found a joke

[PinkMonkey]

~BASS PLAYER OFFENSES~

NAME OF OFFENDER - ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE - _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ]Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ]Playing above 1st octave: immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ]Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for "All Of Me" $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ]Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's $100

[kevinmoore73]

Older than the bass itself...

[mjolnir]

Originally Posted by PinkMonkey

~BASS PLAYER OFFENSES~

NAME OF OFFENDER - ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE - _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[x]Failure to play written walking line $75
[x]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[x]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[x]Playing above 1st octave: immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[x]Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for "All Of Me" $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[x]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[x]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[x]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[x]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[x]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ]Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[x]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[x]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[x]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[x]Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[x]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[x]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[x]Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's $100

Huh... Supposedly I'd owe roughly $1610 followed by immediate dismissal each practice I go to...

[dvh]

Great chuckle for late Friday afternoon

[Captain_Arrrg]

What's a bone player? Trombone? Well in that case no problem, haven't played with one since I quit band in Jr. High. In fact haven't even met one since.

Overall I don't get it... am I only supposed to play root notes with my fingers while trying to somehow play with the drummer but at the same time not? What?

[mjolnir]

Originally Posted by Captain_Arrrg

Overall I don't get it... am I only supposed to play root notes with my fingers while trying to somehow play with the drummer but at the same time not? What?

It's a joke, no need to over think it here.

It also looks like it's geared more towards jazz bassists too.

[Valerus]

Originally Posted by kevinmoore73

Older than the bass itself...

What he said.

[Andy_colassal]

Originally Posted by PinkMonkey

~BASS PLAYER OFFENSES~

NAME OF OFFENDER - ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE - _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE

[x]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[x]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[x]Failure to play written walking line $75
[x]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ]Playing above 1st octave: immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[x]Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ]Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for "All Of Me" $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[x]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[x]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[x]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[x]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[x]Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[x]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[x]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[x]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[x]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[x]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[x]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ]Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's $100

$760, not bad.

[Rocketpriest]

Hm, looks to me like I'm out $2430, on top of being immediately dismissed (that second octave'll get you!). Bringing two fretless basses (one a six'er) will really kill you walking in the door, won't it?

edit: Did not tally 8th or 16th notes - would probably pay for a new BMW

[bassfacekevin]

Originally Posted by PinkMonkey

~BASS PLAYER OFFENSES~

NAME OF OFFENDER - ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE - _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[x]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[x]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[x]Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[x]Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ]Failure to play written walking line $75
[x]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[x]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[x]Playing above 1st octave: immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[x]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[x]Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for "All Of Me" $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[x]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[x]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[x]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[x]Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[x]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[x]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[x]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting "Birdland" $25
[x]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[x]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[x]Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ]Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4's $100

1375$ plus immediate dismissal. I'm not in good shape...

[Wootsticks]

Someone's visited contrabass.com, methinks.