If bands looking for members were honest

[pklima]

"Progressive rock/metal band seeks vocalist. Must not look bored while everyone else takes long and boring solos. This is very important!"

"Gothic metal band made up of shy teenagers looking to audition female singers. This is the only way we can get girls to actually talk to us."

"University choir looking for skinny guys to stand in the tenor section and pretend to sing. We've given up on trying to find enough actual tenors, but if you can move your mouth and don't look like you're probably a baritone we'll take you."

"Black metal band looking for bassist. We like a lot of harsh treble so you don't have to play audibly. We just don't want to look like losers who couldn't find a bassist."

"Bassist looking for money."

[tom once dead]

lol at the Uni one and the prog/metal one.

[T-Bird]

Hi.

Those are great, thanks for posting.

Sam

[jimmyjammer]

***Wanted- guitard.

Must feign comprehension when told to keep it short. Must own powerboard and occasionaly bring it to rehearsals/gigs. To join drummer who cannot fathom the concept of dynamics, and lead vocalist with no discernable talent for anything other that hair management.

We play (badly) the same shite as everyone else. But louder. And with better hair (on the singer anyway)

Call bassist and eternal optimist (name here)***

[phatbass]

"Interesting original band seeks creative Bassist. We're not as interesting or original as we like to think we are, and if you play anything other than root notes we'll fire you"

"Singer songwriter wants you to play for nothing and help pay for studio time to cut my demo while I pretend we're all in it together and you're part of the band until I start actually making money."

"Bassist wanted for Blues Band. Must play 1-3-5-6 all the time and look ecstatically entertained while the guitarist widdles endlessly over a minor pentatonic scale and the Harmonica player plays endless permutations of the 3 licks he sorta knows. Must label anything that's not a slow or medium tempo 12 Bar as "not real blues" and refuse to play it."

"Bassist available. Will pretend to like any style as long as you're getting more than 3 gigs a year and I have a chance at getting some action."

[sevenyearsdown]

Originally Posted by phatbass

"Singer songwriter wants you to play for nothing and help pay for studio time to cut my demo while I pretend we're all in it together and you're part of the band until I start actually making money."

LOL...I swear that guy calls me everytime I post an ad looking for a new gig!

[chicago_mike]

"we suck..do you?"

"Were black listed..are you?"

"Bassist looking for a gig where I can solo half the time, and everybody else must play to a click because I cant be bothered holding the 1 for your sorry arses! youre going to like my pedal board and have less pedals than me. And the girls that come up to you you will tell them your gay but the bassist is single"

[bassbully]

Signed Band ready to make it huge/tour. Singer with national interest with label and recording is ready and booked for huge tour. Needs guitarists, bassist, drummer,keys ,vehicle, PA, manager,practice place,place to sleep, food, money, clothes...has no experience but a huge Ego

[::Saint::]

I know this is a variation on the theme, but this would be my take on an honest craigslist RESPONSE, based on recent experiences with my own band:

"Hi there - I saw your add looking for a drummer, and I like the songs you've posted just about enough to come out and jam for 4 weeks and then bail on you the night before the rent is due, after deciding that I don't really like the material I originally said I liked and/or don't actually have time to play in a third band, like I said I was.

I have an awesome drum kit, but I'm too lazy to bring it to practice, so you'll have to pay to rent a crappy kit from the rehearsal studio.

Looking forward to dashing your hopes of gigging at the last possible minute!"

or, alternately:

"Hey somebody told me that you were looking for an awesome guitar player to play leads for your band. I am a pretty awesome guitar player but only when I'm by myself, playing self-composed riffs that I almost half-remember to play the same way twice in a row, sometimes.

I'm completely useless in a band situation as I find the idea of working on songs logically offensive, nor am I willing (or capable) of telling you what notes I'm playing so that you can follow along. And don't bother looking at my fretting hand either, because I won't stand for such blatant attempts at doing things in an organized fashion.

You can go ahead and play your own songs too, but don't bother telling me what the chords are, or giving me any clues as to what kind of rhythm or timing I should be playing in -- I don't care! I'm just here to screw around and make noise anyway while you piss away the money you are spending on renting the rehearsal space.

Did I mention that when you rightfully tell me it's not going to work out I will probably insult your songs and turn into a belligerant a-hole for "not trying anything"? My last band totally just hung around and made non-musical noise together, so I don't know what your problem is.

I'm pretty sure I'm the guitarist of your dreams, but I've been wrong before."

[Jehos]

Let's face it, 90% of the Craigslist ads would just be "Barely-talented players looking for someone to jam with while dreaming of making it big, or at least landing a gig somewhere."

This one is actually truth in advertising, and I applaud them for it:

http://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/muc/1028510996.html

[Captain_Arrrg]

Originally Posted by phatbass

"Bassist available. Will pretend to like any style as long as you're getting more than 3 gigs a year and I have a chance at getting some action."

This is how it usualy is.

Originally Posted by chicago_mike

"Bassist looking for a gig where I can solo half the time, and everybody else must play to a click because I cant be bothered holding the 1 for your sorry arses! youre going to like my pedal board and have less pedals than me. And the girls that come up to you you will tell them your gay but the bassist is single"

A guy can dream, can't he?

How about this- "Totally serious band looking for a totally serious member. If you aren't reaching for platinum, just pawn your instrument now. We are a mainly a progressive-emo-fusion outfit that writes 10-23 minute "explorations", but performed Creed covers when we actually got that gig that one time. Your influences must be all those people who's playing is fast, technical and soulless. Location: Middle of Nowhere."

[Fassa Albrecht]

Originally Posted by pklima

"Progressive rock/metal band seeks vocalist. Must not look bored while everyone else takes long and boring solos. This is very important!"

"Gothic metal band made up of shy teenagers looking to audition female singers. This is the only way we can get girls to actually talk to us."

"University choir looking for skinny guys to stand in the tenor section and pretend to sing. We've given up on trying to find enough actual tenors, but if you can move your mouth and don't look like you're probably a baritone we'll take you."

"Black metal band looking for bassist. We like a lot of harsh treble so you don't have to play audibly. We just don't want to look like losers who couldn't find a bassist."

"Bassist looking for money."

Some of these are epic.

[Vynns]

Originally Posted by chicago_mike

"Bassist looking for a gig where I can solo half the time, and everybody else must play to a click because I cant be bothered holding the 1 for your sorry arses! youre going to like my pedal board and have less pedals than me. And the girls that come up to you you will tell them your gay but the bassist is single"

Hehehe... Sounds like me.

[Blown Cone]

Originally Posted by pklima

"Bassist looking for money."

[/thread]

[lousybassplayer]

Band seeking bassist/drummer for orginal band. Our influences include pink floyd, shai halud, marky mark and the fun bunch, jethro tull, marduk, zepplin and the elusive screaing wombat trio. We are original, and plan to mush all of that nonsense and a pile of semi talneted playing along wtih fractured segments of the theory we all kind of remember into an amalgam of ground breaking sound. Call Bob or Bobby if interested, must be over 21.

[Stumbo]

Bass player needed for "wish" band. Guitarist, drummer, keyboards wish they could play.
I also wish I could sing. Call asap. Gigs coming up! (I wish).

[Rocker949]

A lot of you are totally hilarious. Some people have quite a sense of humor.

[thumpbass1]

" Emotionally needy, attractive female vocalist with talent, is seeking to put together a band devoted to R & B, Jazz, and modern pop stylings. I am seeking a guitarist and bass player as well as a keyboard player and drummer. You must however have to understand that my clueless and extremely jealous, hard drinking and partying boyfriend who hasn't an ounce of musical talent, will be managing my career, and in a sense anyone who passes the auditions with him having final say over the selections and becomes part of the band. He will be there at every practice session to tell you what he thinks of your playing, often in a condescending fashion. You'll also have to get used to the crappy and mean spirited way he treats most of the time. He'll be there to voice his opinions every step of the way and yes he's a jerk, a drunk, and an idiot, but he's my idiot and I love him and I know he'll change someday because he says he will. My last band didn't beleive in him like I do so I had to let them go. So if you are interested in trying out please contact me through the info provided."

[bambambass]

Lol, the posts are fantastic. Here's one of mine to share.

Wanted a band for singer who has never been in a band but has written music for adverts, that were played overseas. I promise to look at your myspace account for about 30 seconds two weeks before we jam so I can learn the songs. When I arrive at the rehearsal I'll sit in the corner for two songs staring at the corner then I'll go out side saying that I'll listen to you out there. When you are completely confused and come out to see if I stuck around I'll tell you that you need to be more industrial. When you ask me for band examples I'll just say "chugga chugga". Then as the awkward silence passes I'll say something like "ok so next week maybe I can bring my key board" and you'll agree knowing that we'll never see each other again.

[BWB]

Originally Posted by phatbass

"Bassist wanted for Blues Band. Must play 1-3-5-6 all the time and look ecstatically entertained while the guitarist widdles endlessly over a minor pentatonic scale and the Harmonica player plays endless permutations of the 3 licks he sorta knows. Must label anything that's not a slow or medium tempo 12 Bar as "not real blues" and refuse to play it."

My old band is finally looking for a new bass player ?!??