If bands looking for members were honest

[Kenton]

When i started out playing bass i stuck a post up on a site called join my bad when i was drunk saying something along the lines of Bass player seeks band blah blah blah Please note im pretty s**t but hard working amazingly i got a thew offers and joined one of the bands which im still in today, So honesty it sometimes the key.

[Nevtendo]

"Serious band seeks a couple of more serious committed musicians.
our influences include heavy metal/prog metal/hardcore punk/jazz/r&b, and by hardcore punk we mean fall out boy, and by jazz and r&b we mean blues rock, and by blues rock we mean badly done led zeppelin covers."

[pklima]

"Band seeks dedicated, passionate drummer. You must have enough dedication and passion to be willing to play in our band even though it's clearly not worth the effort. You must also not be smart or capable enough to bolt for a more competent band in two weeks. We rehearse three times a week and never practice at home. We call that dedicaton."

"Large children's choir needs adult bassist with basic musical skills and advanced cat-herding skills."

[phatbass]

A band I was (briefly) in many years ago:

"Married couple with van and PA seek compliant Bassist who will sit quietly on the corner and play like a moron, stay relatively sober, and not complain. Husband sings, wife owns a drum kit. The main quality we are seeking is someone who will show up for gigs, owns a Bass, and won't fall over before the gig finishes.

We get all the gigs, for which we will charge a 10% commission, and you won't be allowed to get any bookings for the band. If you provide us with some contacts for venues, we'll still charge you the full commission.

I will frequently remind you how experienced and respected I am in the music scene and how lucky you were to land this gig, and regale you with tales of the bands (none of which you ever heard of, or ever will) which have asked me to manage their careers.

We own a cheap, ancient, crap PA with blown horns which we won't fix despite you pointing out the fact that there's no top end in the FOH, and for which we will charge the band (excessive) hire.

We do everything in the key of A, 'coz it's easier to spell.

We're insecure and badly co-dependent. I decided I couldn't do the band thing without my wife, so six months ago I bought her a drum kit and informed her that from now on she's the drummer in the band. And she plays like someone who isn't really interested in being a drummer but was told six months ago that she was going to play drums.

We have 20 songs in the repertoire and we will be doing 4 hour shows, so there's lots of guitar solo's and make 'em long ones. We will actually have two rehearsals which will be such an appalling waste of time that you won't bother asking again.

I will reluctantly permit you to sing a couple of songs, and I will get really angry when people come up and say you should sing more 'coz you're waaaay better than me. I am so insecure that when I blow out my voice and you offer to take over a bit more of the singing duties for that night, I'll get my panties in a bunch, not call ANY of your songs, and sing the whole night in a pathetic croak.

I have anger and insecurity issues and when in a bad mood I will vent on the band and constantly refer to my violent past as a hard-man in mining camps. However when you inform me calmly that you will punch me in the face if if I insult you again I will shut up.

Despite the fact that we are the worst band in the state, we (unbelievably) get gigs (2-3 a weekend), because my wife is a good salesperson and has big bazoomba's.

When you quit and give honest reasons, me and my wife will take turns insulting you and telling you how you'll find it really hard to get work with anyone else. A month later we'll stop gigging and I'll go back to painting houses."

[Ric5]

All Original band that writes a lot of below average songs that have no hook looking for a bass player who can actually play his instrument.

[Mikio]

Metallica's "...And Justice for All" inspired band NEEDS a bassist!!!




ó_o.....

[pklima]

Originally Posted by Mikio

Metallica's "...And Justice for All" inspired band NEEDS a bassist!!!

To this I could add:
"Must play through 8x10 cab or at least two 4x10s. Not to be audible, just to match our Marshall stacks visually."

[Kareir]

Originally Posted by megadan

"Bassist looking for band. Must play emo jazz funk and allow bassist to overplay constantly."

Sounds like fun

*Overplays... tastefully...*



_Kar

[vinny]

Originally Posted by phatbass

A band I was (briefly) in many years ago:

"Married couple with van and PA seek compliant Bassist who will sit quietly on the corner and play like a moron, stay relatively sober, and not complain. Husband sings, wife owns a drum kit. The main quality we are seeking is someone who will show up for gigs, owns a Bass, and won't fall over before the gig finishes.

We get all the gigs, for which we will charge a 10% commission, and you won't be allowed to get any bookings for the band. If you provide us with some contacts for venues, we'll still charge you the full commission.

I will frequently remind you how experienced and respected I am in the music scene and how lucky you were to land this gig, and regale you with tales of the bands (none of which you ever heard of, or ever will) which have asked me to manage their careers.

We own a cheap, ancient, crap PA with blown horns which we won't fix despite you pointing out the fact that there's no top end in the FOH, and for which we will charge the band (excessive) hire.

We do everything in the key of A, 'coz it's easier to spell.

We're insecure and badly co-dependent. I decided I couldn't do the band thing without my wife, so six months ago I bought her a drum kit and informed her that from now on she's the drummer in the band. And she plays like someone who isn't really interested in being a drummer but was told six months ago that she was going to play drums.

We have 20 songs in the repertoire and we will be doing 4 hour shows, so there's lots of guitar solo's and make 'em long ones. We will actually have two rehearsals which will be such an appalling waste of time that you won't bother asking again.

I will reluctantly permit you to sing a couple of songs, and I will get really angry when people come up and say you should sing more 'coz you're waaaay better than me. I am so insecure that when I blow out my voice and you offer to take over a bit more of the singing duties for that night, I'll get my panties in a bunch, not call ANY of your songs, and sing the whole night in a pathetic croak.

I have anger and insecurity issues and when in a bad mood I will vent on the band and constantly refer to my violent past as a hard-man in mining camps. However when you inform me calmly that you will punch me in the face if if I insult you again I will shut up.

Despite the fact that we are the worst band in the state, we (unbelievably) get gigs (2-3 a weekend), because my wife is a good salesperson and has big bazoomba's.

When you quit and give honest reasons, me and my wife will take turns insulting you and telling you how you'll find it really hard to get work with anyone else. A month later we'll stop gigging and I'll go back to painting houses."

WOW friggin' EPIC. I think I played wif these tools.

[MadMan118]

Originally Posted by pklima

"Large children's choir needs adult bassist with basic musical skills and advanced cat-herding skills."

They're not joking about the hearding skills...

[RBrownBass]

"Female vocalist needs guitarist, bassist, drummer and keyboardist to form progressive band with the goal of changing the world through music. I have a briefcase full of lyrics that deal with the world's most pressing issues, including sexism, the homeless, unicorns, sexism, dreamcatchers, the institution of American patriarchy, the vegan lifestyle, sexism, horses and sexism. All other embers must be male. Call me at 256-555-1212, ask for Judith"

I was IN this band for about six months.

[EggnogJunkie]

"Band looking for bassist. We have a drummer who smokes a lot, a rhythm guitarist who smokes a lot and a guitarist/vocalist who smokes a lot. We'll take frequent breaks from practicing to go out for a smoke. No real experience required. I mean, who needs talent when you have a myspace?"

Now, i don't have anything against smokers, but these guys weren't smoking cigarettes....