Two prisoners were waiting to be executed. 'Any last requests?' asked the jailer 'Yes' replied one of the prisoners 'I love music, so before I die could you play me 'Mustang Sally' by Wilson Picket', and the second prisoner said 'Kill me first.'
Pascal, Newton and Einstein were playing hide and seek, and Einstein was it. He closed his eyes and started counting and, as he did, Pascal ran off and hid. Newton simply took a piece of chalk out and drew a perfect square around himself. Einstein opened his eyes and, upon noticing Newton shouted "Aha! I've found you, Newton!" To this, Newton pointed to the square and said "No, you've found one Newton per one meter square, you've found Pascal."
Guess that makes me a geek
I saw this one from somewhere... maybe a signature line or something:
"Inside every old man is a young boy wondering 'What the heck happened?!'"
So a doctor, a lawyer, and a musician die and find themselves outside the Pearly Gates, in line waiting to talk to St. Peter. The doctor is the first up and St. Peter asks why he deserves to get into heaven.
The doctor replies "well, I worked my way through college and became a doctor. Now I spend two months a year in India providing free health care to the poor".
St. Peter nods his head approvingly and says "All right, come on in", opening the gates. The lawyer comes up next and St. Peter asks him why he deserves to get into heaven.
The lawyer replies "Well, I worked my way through college and became a lawyer. Now I do pro bono legal representation for the poor and needy".
St. Peter nods his head approvingly and says "All right, come on in", opening the gates once more. The musician comes up next and St. Peter asks him why he deserves to get into heaven.
The musician replies "Well, I never went to college. I've been a musician my whole adult life...but I've made music that helped people to forget their problems, making them happy for a little while".
St. Peter scratches his chin, points off to the side of the gates and says "Well okay...go in through the kitchen but don't eat anything".
4 guys go on an annual fishing weekend together, but this year, Ron says he can't go, "the Missus wants me here"
Disappointed, the other 3 go.
On arriving at their regular spot, they find Ron, already there, set up & making coffee.
"What happened? We thought u weren't coming." they say.
Ron replies, "I get home from work last night & there's rose petals all over the floor, candles lit everywhere, & my wife's lying on our bed stark naked. She hands me a set of handcuffs & tells me to chain her to the bed. Then she told me to do anything I like".
Did you hear about the cannibals that ate the clown? They thought is tasted funny!
The other night my wife told me to tie her to the bed and do anything I wanted. So I grabbed some rope and turned on the hockey game.
Two cannibals are sitting down to their (human) meal. Cannibal 1 says "I'll start at the left toe, and you start at the right. We'll meet up in the middle." Cannibal 2 agrees.
After a few minutes, cannibal 1 says,"Boy, is this fun or what!" Cannibal 2 says ,"I know! I'm having a ball!" Cannibal 1 says,"Slow down you're eating too fast!" Wokka wokka.
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest d!@k."
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all
They are in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when
St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any
contact with a male organ?'
She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip
the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question; 'Jennifer,
have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl
is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and
stroked one.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in
the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she
reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Reeva, What seems to be
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water,
I want to do it before Jessica sticks her a$$ in it!'
Two elderly couples are playing cards. Between games, the two women go into the kitchen. One of the men says to the other, "Boy, we went to the greatest restaurant last Friday. Beautiful atmosphere, fantastic service, and the best steak I've ever had in my life."
The other guy says "Wow, that sounds great, we'll have to try it. What's the name of it?"
The first guy looks down, thinks for a minute, scratches his head, and says, "Oh darn it ... what's that flower called, the red one, with the thorns?"
"Yeah, that's it." He turns around and yells, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last Friday?"
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds!
...and the difference between a husband and a boyfriend is 45 minutes.
Don't want to offend any religious folks out there so bear with me,
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
Miss Hutchins decides to get her first grade class thinking.
She tells the students as she begins writing on the blackboard, "Class, the word for today is "DEFINITELY". Can anyone use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"
Immediately, Dirty Johnny's hand shoots into the air. Miss Hutchins, knowing Johnny's habit of being disruptive calls on Tommy instead, "Tommy, can you use the word "definitely" ina sentence today?"
Tommy says, "I think so...the sky is "definitely" blue."
Miss Hutchins is pleased. "Yes Tommy, that's true. The sky is "definitely" blue. Can anyone else use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"
Again, Dirty Johnny's waving hand rockets into the air. Miss Hutchins, still leery of Johnny's antics, singles out Susie. "Susie, can you use the word "definitely" in a sentence today?"
Susie think a moment and replies, "the grass is "definitely" green."
Miss Hutchins proudly announces, "Why yes, Susie, the grass is "definitely" green! Can anyone else use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"
Barely able to contain himself, Dirty Johnny's trembling arm is waving wildly. Miss Hutchins figures that maybe after a few examples, Johnny understands the excersise, "Alright, Johnny, can you use the word "definitely in a sentence today?"
Johnny says, "Well...I don't know. Can I ask a question first?"
Miss Hutchins cheerfully replies, "Certainly Johnny."
Johnny says, "Do farts have lumps in 'em?"
Miss Hutchins, flustered says, "Uh...no Johnny, they don't."
Johnny proudly informs her, "Well, then I have "DEFINITELY" $h!t my pants!"
What's the difference between a prostitute, you girl friend and your wife?
A prostitute says "Faster, faster" your girl friend says" Slower, slower" your wife says "
beige, paint the ceiling beige"
Did hear about the agnostic, dyslexic , insomniac?
He can't get any sleep because he stays up nights wondering if there is really a dog!
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