Joke time

[Einherjar]

What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?

Pizza can feed a family of four.

[Spectrum]

Why is a guitar solo like an orgasm?
Because you know it's coming soon and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

[tastybasslines]

Originally Posted by Spectrum

Why is a guitar solo like an orgasm?
Because you know it's coming soon and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

I don't get this joke. Why would you want to do anything to stop an orgasm?

[wabbit]

Originally Posted by tastybasslines

I don't get this joke. Why would you want to do anything to stop an orgasm?

Now THAT is funny.

If I wasn't so enamored with my my sig, I might consider changing it for this.

[GlennW]

Two guys in SC were buying watermelons for 50 cents apiece and taking them to NY where they sold them two for a dollar.

After a while they figured out they weren't making any money so they got a bigger truck.

[BryanM]

As nervous as could be, Jon asked Tammy, the girl of his dreams, to go with him to the senior prom. Miraculously she said yes, so he set off to make sure the night was perfect. He went to the activities office after school to buy tickets and the line was all the way out the door and down the hall, so he waited in line and bought his tickets.

When he went to rent a tux, the line was again enormous and moving at a snail's pace. Determined, he waited in line and rented his tuxedo and set off to the limousine company. Again, the line was nearly overwhelming, but he dilligently waited and reserved his limousine for the evening. Lastly, he went to the florist and picked out the most beautiful corsage for Tammy. Once he had selected the one that he knew was right, he waited in yet another colossal line and paid for his purchase, knowing that the last bit of his perfect evening was within his grasp.

On the big night, he picked her up and they waited, together, in the long line to enter the ballroom. Once inside, she asked if he would mind getting her something to drink. He went to the refreshment table and, to his surprise, there was no punch line.

[Moe Monsarrat]

a woman golfer came into the pro shop complaining of getting stung by a bee on the course. The pro asked her "Where did it sting you?" She said "Between the first and second hole." The pro says " Well, for starters your stance is too wide......"

[Moe Monsarrat]

Two cowhands are sleeping out on the desert one night when they hear Indian drums start up. They get louder and louder and closer and closer. Finally one cowboy says "I really hate the sound of that!" an Indian sticks his head out from behind a cactus and says "He not our regular drummer!"

[Jeff K]

Originally Posted by Moe Monsarrat

a woman golfer came into the pro shop complaining of getting stung by a bee on the course. The pro asked her "Where did it sting you?" She said "Between the first and second hole." The pro says " Well, for starters your stance is too wide......"

I've heard that before, yet it STILL made me laugh out loud...

[dreads311]

An Amazon explorer is temporarily living with a native tribe. Since his arrival, everyday he hears constant drumming in the distance. When he asks the chief about the drums and if it will ever stop, the chief replies,"no, drums good! Drums good!" When pressed further, the chiefs only response is "Drums good! Drums good!"
After a week or so of the constant drumming, the fed up explorer pleads to the chief,"PLEASE tell me about the drums and why they won't stop!" The chief replies,"Drums stop, very bad!" The explorer asks, "why?" The chief answers,"When drums stop, bass solo." Wokka wokka.

[Phalex]

You know the difference between a pickpocket and a gynecologist?

A pickpocket snatches watches..........

[Vince Klortho]

Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Seven. One to replace the bulb and six to stand around and say, "I can do that."

[Phalex]

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one to hold the bulb while the world revolves around him..........

[othefool]

An A, a C, and an E walk into a bar.

bar tender looks at them and says "we don't serve minors."

[Flyingfrets]

Two cowboys are sitting on a fence out on the range.

The first turns to the second and asks, "So wha chew gon' do t'nite?"

The second thinks a minute and replies, "Oh I guess I'll throw a cuppla steaks ona grill an' have sex wit ma wife."

The first say, "Yeah? Whuts yer fav'rit position?"

Without hestitation, the first says, "Me? I likes it Rodeo Style."

Confused, the first asks, "Rodeo Style? I don' b'leev I've iver heard tell o' that 'un."

The first explains, "Oh, that's the one where ya has her git down on all fours, then ya mounts her frum behind. Then yer leans forward, grabs ya a t_ttie in each hand an' ya whispers in 'er ear, "Ya know...these feel jest like yer sister's. Then try to stay on for 8 seconds."

[bluesdogblues]

from Will Lee's website:

"Blondes"

A blonde a brunette and a redhead are in the 5th grade. Which one has the bigger tits? The blonde of course 'cause she's 18!

2 blondes are walking down the street, and find a compact mirror. The first one opens it up and exclaims:"Hey, I know her!" the other one takes it from her, looks and replies:"Of course you dummy it's me!"

How do you recognize a blonde's computer at work? It's the one with white-out on the screen!!!

----------

"Your Momma's So-o-o-o Fat...!"

I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.

They had to grease a door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side to get her through.

When she dances she makes the band skip.

Instead of Levi's 501 jeans she wears Levi's 1002's.

When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live

When I yell "Hey, Kool-Aid!" she comes crashing through the wall.

She puts mayonaise on aspirin.

Her ass has its own congressman.

Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

When God said "Let there be light" he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.

When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw HER peanuts.

Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

She can't even jump to a conclusion.

Her nickname is "DAMN!"

The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

When she wears high-heels she strikes oil.

The shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds.

When I climb on top of her my ears pop.

[jaybriss]

What do you call a guy who always hang out with musicians?


A drummer.


ba-dum-TSSSHHHH

[dalkowski]

Originally Posted by Phalex

You know the difference between a pickpocket and a gynecologist?

A pickpocket snatches watches..........

Love it. My late father was an ob-gyn. He was also a gentleman of the first order, and my brothers and I often wonder how many great genitalia jokes he knew but withheld from us.

Q: How do you get two bagpipers to play in tune?
A: Kill one of them.

Q: What's the difference between bagpipes and onions?
A: No one cries when you chop up bagpipes.

Q: What's the difference between bagpipes and your ladder?
A: Your neighbor returns your bagpipes.

[Ewo]

What's the difference between bagpipes and a trombone?
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(wait. there actually is a punch line, even if the setup does kinda sound like a complete one-liner, yeah...)
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If they were drunk enough, a band might let a trombone player sit in.

[BayStateBass]

Why does a chicken coupe have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.