The keyboardist...

[Bluesy Soul]

It seems that every several months, I need to indulge in one of these rants for mental health purposes. The last one was about the fill-in drummer from Hell. My current scrotum shrivelers are keyboards players—or, rather, one keyboards player in particular. I am NOT seeking advice or guidance here. Just some understanding and friendly commiseration.

In this part of the world, bass players are the second-most-difficult category of musicians to find. That’s an overall good thing for we thumpers; but compared to the scarcity of good keyboards players, we look plentiful. If you know “Chopsticks”, “Heart and Soul” and have a $200 Casio, you’re in greater demand than a left-handed relief pitcher. I’m an ardent believer in the teachings of Adam Smith and the laws of supply-and-demand, but one their obvious shortcomings is to occasionally tolerate—or even ignore—some significant competency and character flaws.

One of the reasons I joined my current blues band was because it already had a keyboards player who was possessed of dynamite equipment (Hammond, Leslie, Yamaha, Kawai, etc.). Let’s call him Cliburn. At my audition, I noticed that his left hand wandered down into the frequency range of my bass a couple of times. I’ve encountered many keyboardists who played simple-rhythm octaves (or even fifths) quietly with their left hands. In fact, I kind of like it because if you ever get lost, you can just check out where your keyboardist’s left pinkie is! And I’ve never before had a problem working out any potential conflict with a short, polite conversation. After all, we’re all here to make the band sound as good as possible, right?

You know what happened after I was offered and accepted the gig. This guy’s left hand takes off like Professor Longhair trying to outrun an enema—and, of course, his left-hand parts are right in the 30-300 Hz range. In my six months to date with the band, this has only brought Cliburn and I close to blows three or four times; but resentment and animosity are cumulative.

One of his frequent excuses is “I’m only doubling the part you’re playing and I’m doing it to drive the song harder”. If only that were true! I’m a fan of doubling occasionally—at the right point in the right song--though it’s usually more effective doubling with a guitar, rather than with the keyboards. “Doubling”, however, connotes some notion of being in unison in both rhythm and pitch. Cliburn has never been in unison (let alone harmony) with anything or anyone in his life. Every time I’ve tried purposely to double a passage with him, my hand-muted, carefully picked or plucked part disappears into a sloppy sea of garage band mud. Thankfully his instruments are tuned to a 440-cycle A…..

…..but, of course, he doesn’t leave them there. He electronically adjusts the pitch calibration of every one of his instruments for each and every song. Why? Because he wants to play every song in the key of E-flat; but he doesn’t read music or have any understanding of music theory, so transposition is out of the question. I’m serious. Our band plays lots of blues standards in their customary, standard keys: “The Thrill Is Gone” in Bm, “Born Under A Bad Sign” in D-flat, “Messin’ With The Kid” in C, etc. Physically, however, Cliburn is playing them all in E-flat, which is important because it permits him to easily insert the hyper-annoying “calliope slide” into every song by raking the back of his hand up and down the black keys.

He likes to simplify other things, too, like chord progressions. I've played “Georgia On My Mind” in many bands before this one. I’ve encountered a few chord differences in the renditions performed by different bands, but they were always easy to work out. Not for us. We no longer perform the song. The first practice I attended at which we attempted it, I noticed a couple of significant differences in which the chord progression had been simplified to I-vim-IV-V (like “Stand By Me”). As tactfully as I could, when we finished the first run through of the song—which really no longer sounded like “Georgia On My Mind”--I asked if we could review the chord progression to make sure we were all playing the same thing. “Look, I know some people play different chords”, Cliburn bellowed immediately. “But I like to keep things simple and since I sing the song, that’s my prerogative. When you sing a song, we can do it your way!” How about Hoagy Carmichael’s way? Or Ray Charles’?

Despite being reminded to turn his volume down at every single practice and gig, Cliburn constantly blares away at amplifier volumes above the rest of the entire band. How loud? At my first gig with the band at a well-known local roadhouse, we were doing individual instrument and microphone sound checks with the house sound guy when even Cliburn thought he might be a little too loud. So, he directed the sound guy to “…take me down a little in the mix, OK?” “You’re not in the mix yet”, replied the sound guy, holding up the XLR jack at the end of the house feed cord he hadn’t yet plugged into Cliburn’s amp. He has only repeated that breathtaking lack of self-awareness once during the subsequent months.

The most recent eye-opener, for the entire band, was a private party we played last month without Cliburn. The party sponsors—really lovely folks who generally hire the band a couple of times a year for corporate and personal get-togethers—had booked this date months earlier. Nonetheless, Cliburn decided to book a vacation trip that weekend. The remaining four of us (guitar, drums, harmonica and myself on bass) decided we didn’t want to let these folks down and would play the gig as a foursome if the sponsors agreed. Preferring that option to Cliburn’s suggestion that they reschedule their event to better accommodate his schedule, the sponsors agreed and we played it as a foursome. Needless to say, a great time was had by all. The partygoers were all pleasant and appreciative. Some requested business cards for reference in booking us for their own events. The sponsors were very complimentary and paid us the original fee for a fivesome, plus a generous tip. But most of all, the four of us realized how good we sound without Cliburn. There was space where there was supposed to be space (no ubiquitous calliope slides), we played with an almost automatic sense of dynamics, and the drummer and I grooved together better than ever before. And everyone heard and felt it.

So what happens now? A polite but firm pink slip from the band? The guitard and I are capable of it; but the drummer and harmonica player, though they are in agreement, are very confrontation-adverse and Cliburn might impose a lifetime of guilt and regret upon them. Do we just suffer endlessly while personal animosities rise and the music continues to deteriorate? That seems stupid. Well, I heard a rumor (a reliable one) just this morning that Cliburn has decided that after two more gigs--which means in two more weeks--to leave us. O, Holy Mother of God let it be true! So far, of course, he isn’t extending the courtesy of any advance notice to us; but @#&$ the notice! I’m way past that. The private party taught us that we won’t miss a beat.

Me? I’m getting a mojo hand, a black cat bone and a voodoo doll. Just let it be true. Help me, fellow TBers! Pray, meditate and hope your most fervent hope that it isn’t just a rumor. May the spirit of Muddy Waters deliver us. This is the only way everyone wins in the long run—including Cliburn.

Thanks for your patience and understanding. It IS therapeutic.

Bluesy Soul

[WolfgangMF]

tl:dr

[Jimmy Bones]

I like to read a rant from time to time.

Good luck.

[Uribam]

You, my friend, made me smile. Large.

Scott

[mike.b]

having experienced keyboard players who wonder down the low end too much,i'm on you're side. ;-)

[Scanman13]

I want to chime in here as the keyboard is my primary instrument (uh oh ). I have found myself doing the same thing- fortunately our bassist and I have a great rapport and all I need is a friendly reminder (like a smack on the back of the head with his headstock) and I'm back on track. I'm not defending CLiburn because it really sounds like he is a serious egomaniac, but I've been playing keys for almost 50 years () and alot of those years were either solo or with a duo (myself and a drummer) - so in all honesty it's a hard habit to break. However, it sounds like you guys really don't need the drama, so for your sake, I hope he takes the proverbial powder. Good Luck.

[rappa29]

I'm also primarily a keyboard player (20yrs).

I always have a problem understanding why keyboard players feel the need to play ANY LH bass if they have a bass player in the band?

It's probably because my best friend and I started playing in bands together when I was 15. He played bass. I played keys. I never had to play LH bass, ever. Quite frankly, I preferred and still prefer it that way in any music project I do.

I'd rather have both hands playing keyboard parts (comping, soloing, pads, etc) over a killer bass groove played by a real bass player.

So FWIW, I come from the other side of the keyboard player spectrum. Doesn't matter what genre I'm playing, I LOVE to hear and feel what the bass player is playing and play my parts appropriately.

I can understand that there are keyboard players that play LH bass out of necessity if they are in a band that doesn't have a bass player. And obviously there are exceptions where keyboard bass riffs can coexist with real bass (e.g. Clavinet, synth bass, etc). But generally, if I'm in a band with a competent bass player, I stay out of his way!

So not all of us are self centered, egomaniac, do it all, know it alls!

From my experience, a lot of us keyboard players are very in tune and aware with what the rest of the band is playing and do our best to not trample anyones' parts!

[T-Bird]

Hi.

Thanks for the vent, I enjoyed reaading it.

We don't have any keyboard players over here. THANK GOD . Not that we wouldn't necessarily object if someone would magically appear, but my past experiences as a sound engineer has made me a bit unconfortable with KBD players in general. The feeling was mutual, they didn't particulary like me either.

I don't pray, not that kind of a person, but I'll send happy thoughts towards You for the rumour to be true.

Regards
Sam

[Tom Servo]

Keyboard players, like anyone else, can be hit or miss.

With one, I actually walked over, hit the low C key, and barked, "that is the line you do not cross." He was a big fan of the "start at the bottom key and do a big slide up the keyboard" fill. Every 4th measure. I should mention that the only chords he could play were diatonic triads, and usually out of rhythm.

That was one of two times I threatened to replace someone with a sequencer.

I had another who had a great sense of rhythm and would occasionally dip down into my range to drop a syncopated accent, which was really nice.

Guys who came up playing piano are usually good. Guys who got demoted from other instruments usually aren't.

[xgator4u]

Originally Posted by rappa29

So not all of us are self centered, egomaniac, do it all, know it alls!

From my experience, a lot of us keyboard players are very in tune and aware with what the rest of the band is playing and do our best to not trample anyones' parts!

Well YOU are in fact the exception. MY experience differs greatly with yours, and is much more along the lines of the O.P.. Almost all keyboard players I have met, with FEW exceptions, are KEYTARDS, that insist on walking in MY realm.

[vbasscustom]

i actually have a great pianist in the band at church, she stays out of my way and i stay out of hers, not like i have any choice. lol. but there is one part where everyone else stops and we do this sweet harmony bit while she does a little fill on the right hand, and it sounds really cool.

[xgator4u]

Keytards can play all of the "right hand" fills they so desire, that is between them and the guitard. The LEFT hand is where the problem comes in.

[mjolnir]

Enjoyable rant, and I certainly feel your pain.

[Bluesy Soul]

Thank you, fellow TBers for indulging my rant. It helped me maintain my cool and my sanity until the correct outcome occurred: the rumor was true. Our keyboardist quit after the gig last Thursday night.

He raised the issue himself, and apparently thought he would prevail by posing an ultimatum . I guess he thought that would occur since he had been in the band for 3+years and I'd only been there about 7 months. When confronted with his ultimatum, however, all my bandmates stood behind me and declared it a fundamental musical difference we'd tried to overcome but couldn't, and went on to say he had no long-term future in the band. So he quit on the spot.

It was amazing after he left. There was no sorrow, only elation. We all agreed that we'd like to replace him with the right kind of keyboards player, but we won't rush to judgment. If it takes several weeks, that's fine; if it takes more than a year, that's fine, too. We know we actually sound better without him and that no gigs we've booked will be affected when we tell them we're a 5-piece now instead of 6-piece.

Thanks for your kind words and understanding.

Bluesy Soul

[mjolnir]

Congrats on a favorable outcome. Bet you can breathe easier now, huh?

[Beginner Bass]

OP Rantalicious

Glad he left, it sounded like he had no place in the band.

[Joel S.]

Originally Posted by Bluesy Soul

I guess he thought that would occur since he had been in the band for 3+years and I'd only been there about 7 months. When confronted with his ultimatum, however, all my bandmates stood behind me and declared it a fundamental musical difference we'd tried to overcome but couldn't, and went on to say he had no long-term future in the band. So he quit on the spot.

lol, awesome. Congrats on that.

The keyboard player I play with is generally pretty good with not getting in my way. Some songs he'll double the roots of what I play then back off to not get in the way of the bassline, other's he'll stay away from the low end completely. There have been a few times when I've had to ask him to lay off the low notes because it was turning things to mud, and he agreed.

[Stumbo]

Suggesting that the band tell the client to reschedule their party? Narcissism at its finest.

Good rant, good outcome, good riddance!

Maybe he read your rant.

[agreatheight]

I play in a rock cover band that had our keyboardist walk, and we have decided to go one light. The music breathes better, and while our initial intent was to sound as close to recorded as possible we just groove so much better stripped down that we have no interest in going back.

[DWBass]

Whoo lawd! Sounds like my last sub gig. Keytard was so LOUD and made excessive use of the 'LEFT' hand. Got so bad, I just stopped playing, picked up some drumsticks and started to play percussion!

Some keytards just cannot distinguish the difference in playing solo or within an ensemble!