Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkMgibson  I don't know if the younger members here will get your "jump the shark" reference. It made me laugh just thinking about it.
I'm waiting to hear if the cousin goes to Japan, get's filmed doing a Karaoke version of "Ice Ice Baby", and becomes a Youtube smash. |
The younger posters here would also be confused if cousin died, and then a few posts later, I found him in the shower, and it had all been a dream. har har har...
Anyhow...
Our uncle Ernie runs a local scout troop. Every 27th of the month, the troop does an annual Festivus Celebration. It's a great big community thing. Needy families are shuttled in from the city in the troop van to partake in the festivities.
Back in the 80s, cousin and I were in the troop, with Ernie's son, and our other cousin Andre. Now Andre Jr. is a scout, and Ernie is still the head scoutmaster. So cousin and I were invited as guests of honor, as its customary for former scouts to attend, and to give a toast.
We arrived at the scout hut last night around 6 PM (which is located in our old neighborhood). The inside looked great. There was a stage set up, with a lattice background, and fake plants on the side of the stage (it looked a bit goofy, but one of the moms was trying to be artsy, so I can't fault her for trying). There was a buffet on the inside. Cocktail weenies, crackers, cheese, cupcakes, pie, etc. There was also a punch bowl of wassail (made by Ernie's wife).
We went inside and hit the buffet. Cousin poured a red solo cup full of wassail, and turned his back to me. I caught him pouring vodka into the wassail. Well, at least he isnt spiking the bowl itself, I thought to myself.
The scouts and their families began pouring in. Then the coach van pulled up, and about 30 needy people shuffled into the scout hut, and they immediately hit up the buffet.
After a while, about 100 people were inside the scout hut, and the festivus program had begun. Ernie thanked everyone for coming, and announced that to kick off Festivus there would be a talent show featuring the scouts.
The first scout was a chubby kid whose "talent" was making farting noises with his armpits. This was fairly unimpressive until he began farting the melody to the Andy Griffith show. His mother looked mortified. His father was trying not to laugh.
The next kid was a juggler. He juggled 3 oranges. It would have been semi impressive had he not kept dropping them. It was pretty sad to watch. Cousin looked over at me and muttered, "this kid sucks". Ernie looked over at us (we were sitting on the side of the stage in rocking chairs) and motioned for cousin to hush. Cousin took his middle finger and scratched his eye with it, smirking at Ernie.
The next after the juggler was a poet. He read a very lame poem... something about poodles and clouds. It didn't ryhme, and it didn't make much sense either. But who am I to judge another man's art.
After a couple of others, the last kid got up, with an acoustic guitar, and began singing the most beautiful version of "Love is All Around" by the Troggs. His sister came onstage to lend backing vocals. It was very nice. Cousin looked enraged at this. He whispered in my ear, "this b******* is trying to steal my thunder". I whispered back, "dude, you are 41 years old... you arent even in the show". He cut me a nasty sneer, and got up, and left out the backdoor.
A few moments later, I saw him setting up his portable karaoke machine behind the stage. He had a wireless mic, with the receiver attached to his belt loop (it looked like one of those old mini guitar amps you had when you were a kid, that you could fasten to your belt loop).
The audience was cheering very loudly for the kid, and Ernie shouted, "give em an encore Timothy!". So Timmy began strumming the opening chords to Blue Bayou by Roy Orbison. Cousin, who had been previously waiting patiently for the Troggs song to end, became a ball of fury.
He came out got on his wireless mic, and kicked the kid's guitar stand over. "SHOW IS OVER, PUNK". The kid jumped off his stool, and his cousin then kicked it... the stool went flying into the crowd and hit a homeless man on a skateboard (the man had no legs). No one seemed to noticed, because they were all gaping in disbelief at cousin. All of a sudden Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" started playing, however, the speaker of the karaoke maching began crackling (the volume was up loud).
Ernie got up quickly from his chair to unplug the karaoke machine. All of a sudden, KA-WHAM...... the karaoke machine blew. It was a loud, violent PA blowout. Ernie was rendered temporarily deaf (he had damage due to mortar fire in NAM). I went to help Ernie.
It was now totally quiet. Cousin stood on the stage. The parents gape mouthed, starting at him, in utter disbelief that this had just happened. All of a sudden, down the center aisle of steel folding chairs, came the legless man (about 22 years old) on the skateboard. The spotlight shone on him as he wheeled up the aisle toward cousin, pushing the skateboard with his hands.
The kid on the skateboard, dreadlocks and nose rings, shouted, "my turn to sing". One of the bigger dads picked up the legless man, and placed him onto the other stool onstage. "Hand me that guitar", he said. "Im going to play a song...". The dads then made a semi circle around him. "I am going to play Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin" the kid told the crowd.
"And Im gonna dedicate it to my father....", and nodded at my cousin. The crowd gasped....
