"Musician" Jokes

[Gard]

A bartender and his friend are swapping stories at the pub one night, and the bartender makes the claim that he can hold a conversation with anyone, no matter what that person's level of intelligence. His friend says that's impossible. So they bet the friend's bar tab on it, and set out to prove or disprove the bartender's claim.

The friend figures that he will beat him right off and points out a gentleman at the other end of the bar in a suit drinking a single-malt scotch, neat. The bartender accepts the challenge and moves to speak with the man:

Bartender: "Good evening, how are you?"

Customer: "Fine, and yourself?"

B: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

C: "No, not at all."

B: "What is your IQ?"

C: "It is 148..."

The bartender then has an animated, lengthy discussion with the man about politics, veering into philosophy, and ending up with physics. They part company, and the bartender walks back to his friend.

His friend is a bit surprised, but not ready to concede the bet as yet, and so points out another patron, who is sitting at a table near the television set, watching a football game and loudly cheering his team. The bartender smiles and moves over to the table.

B: "Hey, how's the game going?"

C: "Great, my team is winning!!!"

B: "Wonderful...you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

C: "Naw, go ahead!"

B: "What's your IQ?"

C: "Uh...about 120....I think."

The bartender and patron then proceed to have a very animated discusson about the football game, what teams will do well that season and why, and the attractive physical attributes of several of the female patrons. After several minutes, they high five each other and the bartender moves back to the bar and his friend.

The friend is pretty frustrated by now, but is still not ready to concede defeat. He says he wants one more chance, if the bartender can hold a conversation with a third person, he will admit defeat and pony up on the bar tab. He points to a disheveled, unshaven, unkempt individual huddled over his beer in the corner, and says "Him.".

Off the intrepid bartender heads...

B: "Hey."

C: "Yeah."

B: "Can I ask you somethin'?"

C: "Uh huh."

B: "What is your IQ?"

C: "Uh...80...."

B: "So, what of sticks do you use?"

[Brendan]

ouch. Good one Gard!

[Roark Haver]

Ouch Gard, Ouch!

[Craig Garfinkel]

Why do bands keep set breaks to a half hour or less?

So the drummer doesn't have to be re-trained.

[CtheOp]

I can't resist.... my guitarist told me this one last year.

Q: Why does a bass have 4 strings?
A: In case 3 break.

nyuk, nyuk...

[Craig Garfinkel]

A couple decides to divorce after 30 years of marriage, just after the youngest child graduates from college. This comes as a complete shock to the kids, who insist that their parents speak to a therapist before making the final decision.

They send their parents to the finest and most expensive therapist in the country, who tries every method at his disposal...but to no avail. He can't even get them to speak to one another.

As a last resort, the therapist opens up a closet and brings out a string bass...and he begins to solo over rhythm changes.

The couple soon start talking to each other, eventually leading to a flood of dialogue and they realize they still love one another and will remain married after all.

The children are amazed, and ask the therapist how he arrived at such an unusaul technique, to which he replies "I've never yet heard a bass solo without couples immediately starting to talk".

[AllodoX]

Q: what do guitar-solo's and jehova's witnesses (sp?) have in common ?

A: Their purpose is unknown to mankind, nobody likes them, everybody tells them to **** off, but still they keep coming back

[Brad Barker]

An acordian player parks his car in front of a resteraunt in NYC. Halfway through his meal he realizes that he left his acorian in plain view in the back seat of his car. He rushes out and sees with horror that sure enough, the window is broken. he runs up and looks in back seat and next to his acordian are ten more acordians.

that's too funny.


in fact, i'm laughing right now.




SEE!

[FeTiS]

this isnt really a joke, its a story...

anyway, at a gig i did once, i snapped my G tuning before the show and had no spares (luckily, i sucked at the time and never used my G). so, when we went on stage i said, "Has anyone seen my G-string? I feel naked without it..." and, only about 10 out of 300 people got it(the musicians), everyone else just thought i was a wierdo...

[SpankBass]

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One but he'd probably have to stand on a chair or something.
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What?

[Brad Barker]

how many people does it take to delete a post?

well, one, i guess.

[slick519]

whats the difference between a guitar and a trampoline?

you have to take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.......

=w=Slicks=w=

[Johnny BoomBoom]

Two drummers walk into a hotel - geeze, you'd have thought one of them would have seen it!

[Selta]

What do premature ejaculation (sp?) and a guitar solo have in common? You know it's coming and there's nothin' you can do about it...

Ok, so it's a little sick...I know alot more, so here we go:
(P.S. this is probably gonna be hella long, good ones mixed in with bads ones though, and some will be repeats of ones already said)...

First off: Drummy jokes!

Did you here about the Bass player that locked himself in his car?
The Drummer had to break the window to let him out.



A Drummer went to buy a new car, he only had two hundred quid so he goes to see a pal that was into selling second hand junkers. "Hi Mac," he says. "What have you got that's real cool for two hundred quid?"
"Well," says his mate "I've got a beauty out back a real bargain. It's an old Jag, beautiful condition..."
"What's the catch?" says the Drummer

"No catch at all," says Mac "Oh there is just one little thing missing though," says Mac
"What's that then?" asked the Drummer

"It ain't got any doors," says Mac
"That's no good is it," says the Drummer, "How the heck am I going to get in?"

A guy walks into a shop and asks the guy behind the counter for a packet of condoms. The guy behind the counter asks the man "Are you by any chance a Drummer?" Well, I'll be, thought the man. "Yes, I am," he replied. "I thought as much," replied the guy behind the counter. "How that then?" replied the Man. "Because this is a Butchers stupid!"

Two drummers meet while walking down the street. One of them asks, " What you got in that bag?"
The other one replies: "Chickens"
"Can I have one?" asks the first drummer.
The second drummer replies, "If you can guess how many chickens are in this bag, then I'll give you both of them."

What's the difference between a drummer and a foot massage?
A foot massage bucks up the feet, whereas a drummer..

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5- One to screw it in and 4 to discuss how much better Neil Peart could do it.

Did you hear about the drummer who walked passed the bar?
...Well it could happen!

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

There were three people - an intelligent drummie, a stupid drummie and a gnome sitting in a room in front
of a table and on the table was a fried chicken. Suddenly the light went off in the room, and when it
turned on again, someone had eaten up the chicken. Who was it?
Well, it must have been the stupid drummie, because intelligent drummies and gnomes don't exist!

Why did the drummer climb over the barbed wire fence?
To see what was on the other side.

A very worried bass player is strolling along a beach in California. He steps on something hard, and picks it up. It's a lamp. He rubs it, and a genie pops out. "I am the genie of the lamp and I grant you one wish".
"I think", the bass player says, "that I'd like to go to Hawaii one day. But I get airsick and seasick. I'd like
you to build a bridge so I could drive over."
The genie thinks this over, and gently explains that it would be almost impossible, with labour costs what
they are and the sea as deep as it is. "In that case, how about this. Our drummer never writes any songs. I'd like you to make him write a song." The genie ponders for a bit, then asks, "This bridge....you want it two-lane or four-lane?"

What's the difference between a drummer and a battery?
A battery has got a plus-side...

What's 10,000 drowned drummers?
A good start

10,000 drummers meet in London for a "Drummers Are Not Stupid Convention". The compere says "We are all here today to prove to the world that drummers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?". One drummer steps up, the compere says to him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds he says "Eighteen." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 drummers start cheering "Give him another chance, give him another chance." The compere says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the worldwide press is present, I guess we can give Nicko another chance." So he says "What is 5 plus 5?". After nearly 30 seconds Nicko eventually says "Ninety?"The compere sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the drummer starts crying and 80,000 other drummers start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance". The compere, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" Nicko closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four". Around the stadium 80,000 drummers start yelling, "Give him another chance, give him another chance!"

Ok, well I was going to keep going, but my fingers are feeling lazy...so for more bassist and rummy jokes, hit

this site

[JohnL]

Did you hear he one about the bassist who read the previous posts to avoid re-telling the same joke?

[Selta]

Hey hey hey!! I tried to avoid re-posts as much as possible, but some I just missed, or forgot about...so hey, lay off! lol, it's all good anyway...soory for takin' up so much TB space though

P.S. Anyone know what my smilies keep fuc-in' up? They just get placed randomly in my text and where I want one the wrong ones come up?

[macool]

What's the difference between a pizza and a musician?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

[joke]

Originally posted by BasSR205DX


What's the difference between a drummer and a foot massage?
A foot massage bucks up the feet, whereas a drummer..

LMFAO

[Selta]

Glad somone found ONE of them funny...

[Nick Gann]

here's one for all or you wind instrument players...

What's the difference between a flute player and a seamstress?

The seamstress tucks up the frills...

Kinda like the drummer one.