Needing to vent...

Kitsapbass · #1 01-15-2011, 06:58 PM

My wife (whom I love very much) is currently f-ing up my musical aspirations. Here's the deal:

Saw a CL ad. Now, I realize most of them are crap, heck - I make fun of most of them myself. Has a performance set up at a local military installation, so I check with MWR - the gig at least is legit. Had a link to a youtube vid...checked it out, great original song with a really good singer. I respond, posted a link to my myspace which has performance vids, mp3s of songs I've recorded, songs I've helped write and arrange. I get the gig, has potential to other gigs. I talk to my wife about it, she sounded encouraging...until her work called and asked her what days she would like to work this weekend...and she says the day of rehearsal. I say, no problem - moved the rehearsal to my house, so I can be there for the kids...and she plays the whole passive/aggressive bs and starts freaking out about strangers in our house. So she calls me up and asks me to move the time of the rehearsal from 12-6 pm to 7-1 am. I get a call right around the same time to confirm rehearsal...and now I may get replaced in the gig by another guy. I know it's just a one-off gig, but at the same time I feel my wife is being a passive/aggressive powermad psycho all of a sudden with no reason whatsoever driving this...

Please tell me I'm not nuts in thinking my wife is deliberately being difficult in this...

Exploiter8 · #2 01-15-2011, 07:07 PM

"The first step towards divorce is marriage."

I feel your pain. Due to MY WIFE's health issues, I've been forced into retirement from music once again.

This is your "Kobayashi Maru." There is no way out.

Good Luck

X8

T.A.P Bass · #3 01-15-2011, 07:08 PM

It's your home and your family.... I hate to say it, but your wife is right... You do not know these people. If you get replaced, it wasn't meant to be and another gig will surface. Sorry to rain on your parade

Kitsapbass · #4 01-15-2011, 07:08 PM

Thanks man. The really screwed up thing was this was quite possibly the lowest maintenance gig around...

Pilgrim · #5 01-15-2011, 07:09 PM

TALK!

Communication is critical. let her know that this is important to you. Find out what's going on with her.

You can work through it if you communicate. If security is a concern, set things up so you can handle it. If there are issues on her part, get them in the open and deal with them fairly.

Kitsapbass · #6 01-15-2011, 07:10 PM

Thanks T.A.P., what I don't understand is saying everything now, instead of 4 days ago, when other things could have been arranged. Waiting til the day before seems a little too late to do anything...which is why she didn't say anything till today.

Exploiter8 · #7 01-15-2011, 07:16 PM

I feel she has been against it from the start. The negativity has been building over the last four days and at the eleventh hour she snapped, releasing her pent-up hostilities.

Or maybe it's just that time of the month!

X8

Kitsapbass · #8 01-15-2011, 07:18 PM

My first thought actually from when she got up (after getting to sleep in until 1045, was that. That being said, I am feeling pretty fed up with this BS. Again, I love her - but if I pulled the **** she pulls, I'd have gotten a divorce a LONG time ago.

Kitsapbass · #9 01-15-2011, 07:44 PM

Just got the call, I've been replaced. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. At least the next time we have a grudge-f***, I'll have something to be pissed about.

hrodbert696 · #10 01-16-2011, 04:44 AM

All guests are strangers the first time. It's not likely guys coming over for a rehearsal are going to steal stuff or assault people, so I agree that her freaking out over it and making you try to reschedule was out of line (not to mention that she should have checked with you before saying she would work on the weekend. I don't know if she deliberately sabotaged you there or honestly forgot).

Obviously, you all need to have a sit-down and lay out the ground rules, including that if you schedule something after checking with her, she has to honor it. Then when these situations come up again, you remind her of that conversation and hold her to her side of the deal.

She may have other legitimate concerns that she needs to address with you, and you need to listen to those with an open mind and do what you need to do to satisfy her there. For instance, my wife was very anxious when I started playing that obsessing with music would make me disengage from my responsibilities as a dad the way that playing computer games used to do -- she had a whole nightmare about that returning. So I agreed that I would only practice when kids were in bed, basically (mostly means getting up at 5 am), apart from one band rehearsal a week. Gradually she came around and made her peace with my being in a band. She's even talking about coming along to play "Hey Soul Sister" on her ukulele with us sometime.

Rockmusician · #11 01-16-2011, 04:50 AM

My opinion is pretty simple: FAMILY FIRST!

I agree with your wife. When you made the decision to get married and start a family, they became your primary responsibility. Maybe your wife has reasons for feeling the way she does. Have there been issues of infidelity, drug or excessive alcohol use when you have played in previous bands? Has playing in a band interferred with your marriage and family life? Remember, playing in a band takes a lot of time. It's not just gigs and band rehearsals. It's also taking time on your own to learn your parts. It is a heavy commitment. Before you criticize your wife for how she feels, you have to take an honest look at your previous behavior as it relates to bands. Either way, you and your wife need to have a long conversation about what is important to the both of you and the expectations you have for each other.

I have been fortunate because my wifes has always been very supportive of my playing even when I have left for months at a time to tour. She knows that I do not cheat, I don't do drugs and I drink very little. However, not all men and women are the same.

I do have a question though. Why did you post this topic? Are you hoping to get a lot of responses that support your position so you can show them to your wife and make her change her mind? Instead of doing this you should be having an adult discussion with her. Good luck.

Kitsapbass · #12 01-16-2011, 08:02 AM

@ Rockmusician - there never has been any issues. I don't really drink or use drugs, never have cheated. Never given her any reason to think anything would happen. For some reason, my wife just decided "no, not this time" after giving me the go-ahead...without meeting anybody. This was mainly a one-shot deal too - if it had worked out, everybody but me was available to tour, but because of my sweet-job, would be out if it had worked out for them. It would have looked good on the musical resume, though...which is why I think she threw this hissy fit. Oh well, it's not like I have to deal with any aftermath - it's not like there's a musician network, where people talk to each other and reputations don't spread through word of mouth...

No, its not to show her. It's because if I don't, I may say something to her that will cause a divorce or worse. The analogy I'm using is this: I get a job, start working (cause I've already put time in, listening to and learning songs, buying the cover songs off of ITunes, etc.). After a couple of days, my wife comes in and leaves a pile of steaming pile of crap on my boss' desk. My boss, who saw her do it, has me clean it up, but doesn't fire me - because he realizes I'm not the one at fault, and besides, it's a temp job. So my wife does it every single day til I do get fired. Then, blames me for the crap being on the desk in the first place. Basically, I'm dealing with the musical version of that. There was no rhyme, no reason - I asked her beforehand and she was fine with it...and then started pulling all this bull-manure stuff.

Kitsapbass · #13 01-16-2011, 08:04 AM

@hrodbert, I envy you. The sad thing is this was the first time any of this has happened after 12 years of marriage. I've done this through the entire time, and never ONCE has this happened.

Randall · #14 01-16-2011, 10:52 AM

So she gave you permission to do the gig/practice then she scheduled herself to work on the same day after the fact?.
You then scrambled to make it work and she shot that down too?
Sounds like she really does not want you to play out.
Better talk about why she feels threatened by your music career sooner than later.

**A Strohman** · #15 01-16-2011, 10:54 AM

I've got the coolest wife on the planet. She supports every musical project I'm a part of and even researches equipment to surprise me with great gifts. That said, I don't think she'd be thrilled with the idea of me bringing guys I've never met into our house. While she supports everything I do....when it comes to protecting our kids, nothing is more important to her (and to me, frankly). She trusts my judgement though so I think if I would have arranged a meeting away from the house to size the guys up...she would be cool with the idea.

In your case she said yes and then backed off. The passive-aggressive nature of her tact isn't anything we can comment on in any sort of meaningful way since none of us know her. And if thats the part of this thats bugging you the most I can only suggest talking to her. If you're worried about potentially causing a divorce by what you might say....clearly there are other issues at play here. Good luck.....

Rockmusician · #16 01-16-2011, 11:12 AM

No offense but as someone who holds a degree in Psychology, I would say that there are other issues going on other than just playing in band. You have to ask her why and then move from there. As I mentioned in my previous post, your first responsibilty is to your family.

hrodbert696 · #17 01-16-2011, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rockmusician

No offense but as someone who holds a degree in Psychology, I would say that there are other issues going on other than just playing in band. You have to ask her why and then move from there. As I mentioned in my previous post, your first responsibilty is to your family.

+1. You're talking about this misfire as though it's going to make you guys get divorced over it. Getting into a fight is one thing, getting divorced is another. Marriage counseling to get to what's really going on in your marriage is not a bad idea if a little thing like this is putting the whole relationship on the rocks.

DarkArwen · #18 01-16-2011, 08:18 PM

What everybody else says. Good luck. Hopefully you guys can get to the root of whatever the issue is so you can both move forward in a positive manner. On the other hand, maybe she really did forget?

rtslinger · #19 01-17-2011, 06:27 AM

Sounds to me like she was worried if that gig would have taken off you would go on tour and put your family on the back burner. Maybe before this shot, the other bands did not show the potential to take off so, she did not feel threaten. The fact that she took the work on day of your meeting the other members, was the test to see if you would put your family first like she did by working on the weekend. Your decision to bring complete strangers into your home around your children brought out the female lion protecting her cubs attitude and to think that wasn’t the reaction you were going to get it, just says you did not look at the big picture. Sorry Family has to come first in your mind than, you either work it out together for a solution or get used to this reaction from your wife. Sit down and talk to her about how she felt, and I’m sure you will find she was scared about the direction you were going to take and maybe leaving her alone.

JoeVictim · #20 01-17-2011, 07:12 AM

You are going to end up resenting her.

I laid it all down on the table with my wife. I told her that I needed an outlet. I had already given up a lot of pleasures after getting married and having a kid and I told her I wasn't going to give up music. Now as long as the other dudes aren't d-bag losers, I can play with whomever I want as long as the scheduling works out. Usually, this is Thursday nights when she wants to watch her tv doctor dramas.