This is not a tribute band, this is only a tribute

[cbassSD]

Great posting from Craigslist San Diego:
http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/muc/1251616107.html

Let's face it, the local music scene is flooded with tribute bands.

So I've got a totally different idea. I'm forming a Van Halen Tribute Band Tribute Band.

We will pay homage to all of the whammy bar wanking bands that pay homage to the mighty Van Halen.

We'll dress like guys who could at first glance easily have been mistaken for guys who resemble the guys in Van Halen

We'll play like guys who remind you of a band that sounds sort of like Van Halen does.

As you can see, I'm taking a slightly unorthodox approach with this project.

Instead of having a complete band with gigs pending that only needs a bass player to come in and learn the music quickly, I'm going in the opposite direction.

I'm the bass player, Wolfgang Van Anthony Jr. C'mon now, you didn't think I was going to give myself the hardest job, did you ? Everyone know bass players don't really have to do anything, because the guitar player does everything. All we ever do is stare over at the drummer with a blank, somewhat cynical gaze while making jokes about the singer.

Oh crap, I let the cat out of the bag. Now I'll be banned like that masked magician who gave away all the tricks. Sorry, fellow bassists. Now they know our secret.

Unlike the real Van Halen which is totally ruled by Eddie, in my tribute tribute band it's me - the lowly bass player who calls all of the shots. For instance, I get to fire the lead singer(s) twice a week for forgetting the lyrics to Eruption. I'll get a swollen head and start playing keyboards. I'll not only get to tell you what kind of guitars you should play, I'll specify how many strings they should have too. Heck, I even get to tell you what brand of power drill to attack your guitar with during the Poundcake intro. If you'd been learning our setlist you'd already know that song was in it. Those pending gigs are already a whole paragraph closer by now.

You can't be in this band if you take your walk with Christ seriously. In fact, you can't be in this band if you take walking seriously.

Did I mention that we have pending gigs so you have to come in and learn fast ? Are you learning yet ? We don't have very much time.

I'm trying to recreate the band the way they were at that exact soul crushing moment when we suddenly realized "Dance the Night Away" was not a sick joke.

You can't be in this band if you are not old enough to remember when we all thought that Tito was the "troubled" Jackson. And I won't tolerate sober, employed people who show up on time with quality gear using their own dependable means of transporation. BTW, I hope you are still learning our setlist because time is growing short now and you'd better be learning our entire setlist because there WILL be a pop quiz immediately after the bass solo. Gigs pending. Tick tock, tick tock. Time's a wastin', David Lee Sloth !

I know what you're saying, how do I get involved, could there possibly be a place for me in this musical journey ? Perhaps.

You are everything else besides bass. Because let's face it, there are plenty of the rest of you out there, endlessly looking for a bass player that you will never, ever find. If anyone was actually talented enough to do all that you expected of them, they'd just start their own damn band and not have to listen to all of your crap. You need to give up on those pipe dreams, assume the position and conform. We have gigs pending, a tour of the lower east county is planned, and an EP in the works. All we need is everything. And you're it. I know you're out there. So hurry up. How hard can it be ? No pressure or anything. Those gigs are pending. Pend, pend pend.

So if you think that you can bring it, then please leave it at home. But if you truly believe you can slip under the low bar that I've set for us, I really need to hear from you ASAP because we have gigs pending and you really ought to be learning our setlist already. I will have many responses to wade through, so please be patient and I'll get back to you soon. I'm trying to give the least qualified people the first shot, in order to maintain the carefully crafted aura of mediocrity which will surround our soon to be legendary Van Halen Tribute Tribute Band.


And just a side note to any sleazy local promoters who may plan to exploit us, we all know how you make the brown M&Ms.

[7StringBassist]

LOL

[Thunder_Fingers]

Simply brilliant!

[J. Crawford]

I lol'd.

[Stickk]

I'd rather join a Bon Jovi opposite band...

[cujjo91]

But I wonder if they have any gigs pending.

[millsbass5]

I'm the bass player, Wolfgang Van Anthony Jr. C'mon now, you didn't think I was going to give myself the hardest job, did you ? Everyone know bass players don't really have to do anything, because the guitar player does everything. All we ever do is stare over at the drummer with a blank, somewhat cynical gaze while making jokes about the singer.

Oh crap, I let the cat out of the bag. Now I'll be banned like that masked magician who gave away all the tricks. Sorry, fellow bassists. Now they know our secret.
************************************************** ********

Go ahead,sue me.The guy is an *******,for making that remark.Don't care if it's a joke or not.Sorry guys.That's about as polite as I can get on this issue of some peoples perception of what a bassist REALLY does.

[Spoonology]

Originally Posted by millsbass5

I'm the bass player, Wolfgang Van Anthony Jr. C'mon now, you didn't think I was going to give myself the hardest job, did you ? Everyone know bass players don't really have to do anything, because the guitar player does everything. All we ever do is stare over at the drummer with a blank, somewhat cynical gaze while making jokes about the singer.

Oh crap, I let the cat out of the bag. Now I'll be banned like that masked magician who gave away all the tricks. Sorry, fellow bassists. Now they know our secret.
************************************************** ********

Go ahead,sue me.The guy is an *******,for making that remark.Don't care if it's a joke or not.Sorry guys.That's about as polite as I can get on this issue of some peoples perception of what a bassist REALLY does.

If it's a joke then does it matter?

[boing]

Originally Posted by millsbass5

Go ahead,sue me.The guy is an *******,for making that remark.Don't care if it's a joke or not.Sorry guys.That's about as polite as I can get on this issue of some peoples perception of what a bassist REALLY does.

I think your satire sensor is broken. Might wanna get that checked.

Those gigs are pending. Pend, pend pend.

Masterful!

[hbarcat]

Originally Posted by millsbass5

Go ahead,sue me.The guy is an *******,for making that remark.Don't care if it's a joke or not.Sorry guys.That's about as polite as I can get on this issue of some peoples perception of what a bassist REALLY does.

It's called satire. Here's an example*:

In the Mel Brooks movie Blazing Saddles many of the characters in the story refer to the hero (who is black) as a [N-word]. To call this a joke is to miss the point - it is satire - the purpose of which is to illustrate how what is being satirized is absurd, stupid, obnoxious or otherwise wrong.

The characters in the movie use the N-word so often and so callously that it becomes self-evident to the viewer their behavior shouldn't be accepted.

With regard to this Craigslist ad, the author's characterization of bass players as having the cushy job that requires no skill or even intelligence is intended to point out the exact opposite.








*Yes, I know that satire is one of those things that can't be adequately explained. But that never stops me from trying.

[Drunk Heffalump]

Dude you slayed me , I'm still chuckling away, seriously, tears running down my face howling. Thank you for making my day....

Damn

[fenderx55]

Originally Posted by hbarcat

It's called satire. Here's an example*:

In the Mel Brooks movie Blazing Saddles many of the characters in the story refer to the hero (who is black) as a [N-word]. To call this a joke is to miss the point - it is satire - the purpose of which is to illustrate how what is being satirized is absurd, stupid, obnoxious or otherwise wrong.

The characters in the movie use the N-word so often and so callously that it becomes self-evident to the viewer their behavior shouldn't be accepted.

With regard to this Craigslist ad, the author's characterization of bass players as having the cushy job that requires no skill or even intelligence is intended to point out the exact opposite.

*Yes, I know that satire is one of those things that can't be adequately explained. But that never stops me from trying.

I think you did a good job explaining the unexplainable. Kudos, sir.

[julio.gamiz]

Damn, I'd love to sig this entire ad... Nice find.

[bassteban]

I want to sig several of the *satire* comments, but I can't recall how to quote a sig- after all I'm only the bass player.

[lunker]

Originally Posted by boing

I think your satire sensor is broken. Might wanna get that checked.

Lol'd at the that


and the ad


hahahahaaaa. Made my morning.

[Freddels]

It's not quite accurate b/c I make fun of lots of other people too.

[PBass101]

Originally Posted by millsbass5

Go ahead,sue me.The guy is an *******,for making that remark.Don't care if it's a joke or not.Sorry guys.That's about as polite as I can get on this issue of some peoples perception of what a bassist REALLY does.

Lighten up, Francis.

[kesslari]

That... was... beautiful...

[GreggBummer]

Originally Posted by cbassSD

And I won't tolerate sober, employed people who show up on time with quality gear using their own dependable means of transporation.

I plan on showing up drunk, two hours late, on a 17 year old three legged borrow with my Toys R' Us ukulele.

[PSPookie]

Originally Posted by GreggBummer

I plan on showing up drunk, two hours late, on a 17 year old three legged borrow with my Toys R' Us ukulele.

You sir, are hired!