one of the funnier Craigslist musicians rants

[Steve]

http://nashville.craigslist.org/muc/1120137619.html

[low-endz]

The 1st part should have stated that the more drunk & vague you are when making your song request the easier the band will remember the song.

How many times have we heard "ffhmhey yo play dat song from that band you know uhh, pfna pfnana, buhdaht (garbled lyrics) nuhna" yeah "Play that song mahn"

[Rattman]

Yeah... some of that is really great and so true. Took some thought to put that together..nice..

[Dave Muscato]

As these things tend to disappear after awhile, here you go:

I came across this and thought it was hilarious. Enjoy


When requesting a song from the band, just say "play ... my song!" We have
chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of the favorite
tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever
recorded so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

If we say we really don't remember that tune you want, we're only kidding.
Bands do know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if
need be... it helps jog the memory, or just repeat your request over and
over again.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either
forgot they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a
few words for the band. Any words will do. It also helps to scream your
request from across the room several times per set followed by the
phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!"

Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are
a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger up
put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes
you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band." You can bet your
request will be the next song we play.

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare
for their shows.They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what
they will do once they arrive. We don't actually make set lists or
rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then
fake it.

An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let
them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters. Once you've
figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make your requests
from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated the better. If its a
blues band playing, yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera.
Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure to request Brown-Eyed
Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians need to constantly broaden their
musical horizons, and its your job to see that it happens....immediately.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is
at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same
time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from
the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. And we can converse
with you in sign language while singing the song, so don't worry that
we're in the middle of the chorus.

Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your
question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good
look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream
your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This
helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to
answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer
your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may
seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens,
immediately cop an attitude. We love this.

IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in
both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head
securely so they cannot pull away.This will be taken as an invitation to a
friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.
Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers
are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back,
protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their
instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming from behind
their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not
impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break
between songs.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate
your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing
on stage. If you're too drunk to stand unassisted, simply lean on one of
the band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you see. Just
pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and
join in.By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the
louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to
crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing
assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part
harmonies, or a tambourine played on one and three and out of tempo. Try
the cowbell; they love the challenge.The band always needs the help and
will take this as a compliment.

Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely props, they don't really
amplify your voice, so when you grab the mic out of the singers hand be
sure to scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise no one will
hear what a great singer you are. Hearing is over-rated anyhow. The crowd
and the sound guy will love you for it.

BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage
and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are
ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact you have
successfully completed your audition. The band will call you the following
day to offer you a position.
- - - - --- - -- - -- - ---- -

AWESOME! why haven't we written a book?
i always like to add my thoughts on these things:
Wendell

Approach the band while they are setting up their equipment. This is a very boring time for musicians and having you on stage will give them someone to talk to. Ask them if they are "playing tonight? What time do you start? What kind of music do you play? Where else do you play?" Plus, this is the only exercise they ever get and those extra steps it takes them to walk around you will make for a better workout. Go ahead and turn on their amps and play their instruments. It will give them the opportunity to hear what they will sound like. A good sound check is an important part of the gig. And don't forget the microphones! Give a good and loud, "Check, 1, 2," in each mic about 20 times. That'll also give you the chance to give a "shout out" to your buddies at the bar and tell that joke about the Jews.

Be sure to let the guitar player know that you have a guitar "exactly" like his. When he says, "Please, tell me more", you say, "It's brown, just like yours!" And don't forget to tell everyone in the band about your cousin who has a 1955 Martin and a 1959 Gibson guitar. Every band member is fascinated by the fact that there are people in the world who own vintage musical instruments. The fact that you are related to one of those people will absolutely blow them away! You'll be their new favorite fan and will have made life-long friends.

Nothing will boost a band's ego more than having you dance to their music. Wait until the dance floor is empty and hop up there by yourself and start getting down! That'll show the crowd what they're missing. Be sure to position yourself right in front of the singer's microphone stand. Every time your elbow bumps his stand, the mic will hit his teeth and the two of you will be moving in perfect sync. This looks great!

Buy a round of drinks for the band. A nice big shooter will get them rockin'&rollin'!
Five shots of Triple Sec won't cost you much.

It's hard for a band to compete with a televised sporting event. They probably want to watch that soccer game as badly as you. Remind them that they can take a break any time so you all can catch up on the latest scores and highlights.

Don't forget to tip! A lot of musicians live on their tip money. Be sure to first wave the money in their face. You have to make sure they see you are tipping. It's a good deal for you both since that dollar you dropped in the tip jar is worth at least 6 or 7 requests.

When you request a song and the band says he does not know the song, don't you believe them. So, when told, "We don't know that song," reply, "Yes, you do!" This exchange will go on for a while:
"We don't know it."
Yes, you do!"
"No, we don't."
"Yes, you do."
"No, we don't."
"Yes, you do."
"No, we don't."
Now, hit them will the clincher:
"Yes, you do. I've heard you play it before."
"No, you haven't. It wasn't us."
"Yes, it was."
"No, it wasn't."
"Yes, it was."
"No, it wasn't."
Don't give up! Keep this up for 10-15 minutes until the band admits the are lying. It's a well known fact that bands spend hours memorizing and rehearsing songs that they never intend to play. Your perseverance will impress them and they will gladly play the song.

[mrufino1]

Someone sent me that a few years ago and it was still funny this time! I had lost it so thanks for posting.

[rhythmsection]

"Your request is all that matters. Once you've
figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make your requests
from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated the better. If its a
blues band playing, yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera.
Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure to request Brown-Eyed
Girl or some Grateful Dead."

I've had too many nights like this. We've spent the last 35 minutes playing 70's rock covers of the Zepellin/Who/Cream variety. Chances are, we don't know any Disturbed.

[dave64o]

Originally Posted by rhythmsection

.
.
.
Chances are, we don't know any Disturbed.

Well, the person bothering you sounds pretty disturbed.

[scottbass]

This past Saturday my blues band (we play Storyville, SRV, Bonnie Raitt, Susan Tedeschi, etc.) got the obnoxious, would-not-leave drunk woman standing in front of the stage and screaming for us to play "American Pie." It was hilarious. After about 40 minutes one of the waitresses convinced her to go sit down. Of course we got a few "You Suck!"'s out of her on her way back to her table.

Next set: Waitress brings up a napkin with a scrawled request:

"PLAY Americken (sic) Pie by Don McQueen (sic) or else!!!!!!"

[TheHegemon]

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare
for their shows.They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what
they will do once they arrive. We don't actually make set lists or
rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then
fake it.

An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let
them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

haha

Well said there

[varunkapahi]

LAWL

[jtkennedy9]

ROFLMAO!!!

[Lunchbox4u_6]

I actually started putting a mic and mic stand in front of me just so it would look like i was singing so people would stop coming up to me during songs. I guess since i was singing i must not be busy playing the song or anything.

[thumpbass1]

This is classic!! The wonder of it is, that I think everyone who has gigged or is still gigging, has experienced pretty much about every behaviour listed. I've experienced it in bands that played original music! I still experience a lot of these behaviours listed to this day. I guess we musicians are supposed to be cosmic jukeboxes in the eyes of some folks. Now that would truly be quite an accomplishment for any musician or band to be able to pull off. This is one funny post indeed. Thanks to the OP for giving me a much needed laugh.

[ironrat]

awesome! I laughed my @ $ $ off!

[ali.b.reed]

Thanks for a very informative and accurate precis, gave me quite a giggle! Bet you have never been asked "Do you play any ABBA?"

[Sartori]

It should include "Always request Freebird. Every band knows this song, even if they say they don't, even if they play a completely different genre. If at first your request is denied, try, try again, and more loudly. The band loves playing Freebird and loves when drunken audience members request it at every damn show. And if you are merely joking, don't worry, it is a fact that this is always funny."

I can't even listen to that song or that band now because I hate this so much. My usual response to this particular request of late has not been very friendly.

[QORC]

I'm in a tribute band. We only play THAT band. ....hence the term "tribute"....had someone at a gig last year come up after our first set and ask..."Do you do any Skynyrd??" (we aren't a skynyrd tribute, by the way...pretty clear from our first set..our banner...etc)...I'm like..."umm, no, we only do AC/DC"....he says, "oh" and walks away. 20 minutes later, I'm tuning up and getting ready to play again...he leans in and says "How about some Motley Crue?" ....I almost lost it laughing...he looked genuinely bewildered.

[Relic]

I love the part about someone grabbing your head and screaming into your ear. I've had this happen more times than I can count.

[mightypog]

OMFG I nearly cried. Read it out loud to my drummer, he nearly wept. They forgot one; Don't forget to try to shake the bass player's hand during the tune. Bass players have a third hand they can produce at will with which to greet to greet drunken dance floor denizens. Be sure to squeeze the hell out of the hand too. makes the hand stronger for playing. And what ever you do, dont let go.

[thumpbass1]

Originally Posted by mightypog

OMFG I nearly cried. Read it out loud to my drummer, he nearly wept. They forgot one; Don't forget to try to shake the bass player's hand during the tune. Bass players have a third hand they can produce at will with which to greet to greet drunken dance floor denizens. Be sure to squeeze the hell out of the hand too. makes the hand stronger for playing. And what ever you do, dont let go.

Wow! I never had em' wanting to shake my hand during a tune, but my band once experienced a more than happy college age drunk, step behind our backline of amps, tripping over cables and crap, and unfortunately he made it over to me, where he stands next to me, puts his hand on my left shoulder like I was his buddy, as I'm trying to pull away from him, all while we are playing our version of Elizabeth Reed the great Allman Bros Band classic, and he's swaying along to the music at first, and then he's yelling in my left ear " Dude! You,,,,got to play,,,Shhhonny,,,I mean Johnny Beeee,,,Gooode". Thankfully club security finally showed up and figured out what was going on, and they grabbed the doofus and tossed him out. It was one of my more memorable song request moments.