One liners, for those embarrassing silences.

[fenderfunker]

In a live situation, ideally, one song flows into the next, smoothly and without a hitch, but in reality, strings break, drummers drop sticks, things happen. So, I like to have a few one line jokes ready for those moments, just to keep the vibe going and to stop the dance floor emptying. Let's hear your one liners...please no long jokes.
This is a little corny, but I'll start the ball rolling.
Q: Does anyone know the difference between sex and a ham sandwich?
A: No? Well, would you like to come to my place for lunch tomorrow.
Boom boom.

[Gerlan86]

I've been to a gig in Melbourne where the frontman was going crazy and kept pouring jugs of beer over himself and then with each song he would remove a piece of his clothing and at the end of the set he was down just to his boxers, picked up some random girl near the front of the stage, chucked her over his shoulder and started running around the bar.

Do something to that extent, beats any one liner jokes.

[fenderfunker]

Yes, I'll do that at the next wedding gig...maybe grab the bride. I suppose it depends on the gig. A bit extreme, but maybe not, if you're doing a bikie gig, as I've done in the past. In fact, at one bikie gig, the biker chicks stripped us naked. Needless to say, that's the last one I ever did.

[Zooberwerx]

"Excuse us....we're having a technical defecation"

I usually shrug off these occasional "hiccups" unless its the result of poor prepardness....dead batteries, bad cables, etc....in which case I voice my displeasure at the first opportunity (breaks).

"You need to fix that ****in' thing now!"

Riis

[fenderfunker]

Originally Posted by Zooberwerx

"Excuse us....we're having a technical defecation"

I usually shrug off these occasional "hiccups" unless its the result of poor prepardness....dead batteries, bad cables, etc....in which case I voice my displeasure at the first opportunity (breaks).

"You need to fix that ****in' thing now!"

Riis

I that's a great way to deal with it. Why didn't you know that string was going to break? How unproffessional. The John Cleese band?

[Zooberwerx]

Originally Posted by fenderfunker

I that's a great way to deal with it. Why didn't you know that string was going to break? How unproffessional. The John Cleese band?

A broken string is not lack of preparedness. Not having a backup may be, though. Dead air is a no-no in broadcasting and live performance.

I'm referring those instances that may have been avoided via regular preventative maintenance such as:

*checking batteries

*verifying integrity of all cables

*tightening hardware (kick drum pedals are notorious for self-destructing)

*add your own here

Riis

[Phalex]

My sound guy has crickets, and wild applause on his laptop all cued up and ready to go.

Otherwise the lead singer says something stupid. I don't know why, but he has a license to be stupid. It's a large part of my bands appeal.

[Howlin' Hanson]

Okay...

- Welcome the crowd to (insert venue name here)

- Acknowledge the host, the event, the person whose birthday it is, assuming this is a private party

- If it's a bar or club, ask the crowd to thank the manager for hiring your band and mention who will be playing tomorrow and the next day if you know

- If it's a club mention the drink specials, menu items. If it's a party, tell them where the cash bar and buffet are.

- Let the crowd know where the restrooms are

- Remind them to tip the wait staff (or the band tip jar)

- Introduce the band and mention your next gig

- Plug your T-shirts and CDs

- Repeat at least once per set.

Don't rush your spiel and speak clearly. You are helping sell yourself and your employer. And yes, there are ways to make these bits of business entertaining.

[yehongxiang]

'Well sorry guys, we're really on a budget here.'

'Don't we have a big truck of backup instruments somewhere? You guys said that you're a big rock band!'

[clmayhew]

I remember seeing Primus many years ago, Larry LaLonde broke a string in the middle of a song. Without hesitation, Les said "It's all part of the show folks... All part of the show" and took little stabs at him while he and Tim continued to play the song, albeit a little stripped down. Since then, I've tried to make it a point to never quit playing in the middle of a song.

[DaveDeVille]

Originally Posted by Howlin' Hanson

Okay...

- Welcome the crowd to (insert venue name here)

- Acknowledge the host, the event, the person whose birthday it is, assuming this is a private party

- If it's a bar or club, ask the crowd to thank the manager for hiring your band and mention who will be playing tomorrow and the next day if you know

- If it's a club mention the drink specials, menu items. If it's a party, tell them where the cash bar and buffet are.

- Let the crowd know where the restrooms are

- Remind them to tip the wait staff (or the band tip jar)

- Introduce the band and mention your next gig

- Plug your T-shirts and CDs

- Repeat at least once per set.

Don't rush your spiel and speak clearly. You are helping sell yourself and your employer. And yes, there are ways to make these bits of business entertaining.

^ now that's some great advice !

[pasta4lnch]

my fav is calling tuning (usually done by acoustic guitarists) an "ancient chinese folk song"

fwiw i really hate when people dont have a tuner . . . if you are going to do odd open tunings, you should have a tuner! . . . and be able to talk and tune at the same time(see Howlin' Hanson's post)!!

[Phalex]

Originally Posted by pasta4lnch

my fav is calling tuning (usually done by acoustic guitarists) an "ancient chinese folk song"

fwiw i really hate when people dont have a tuner . . . if you are going to do odd open tunings, you should have a tuner! . . . and be able to talk and tune at the same time(see Howlin' Hanson's post)!!

I had a guitard that used to say "Tipping is not a city in China". I like to pull that one out once in a while just to cheese the drummer off!

[pasta4lnch]

Originally Posted by Phalex

I had a guitard that used to say "Tipping is not a city in China". I like to pull that one out once in a while just to cheese the drummer off!

Oh that's fantastic!! My singer is gonna have a field day w/ that one.

[Allen_VA]

(when new strings fall out of tune as they often do)
"I put new strings on this morning but didn't realize I had to tune them"

(when guitarist drops guitar, drummer drops sticks, someone knocks over mic stand)
"This is why we don't let him carry the expensive stuff"

And a couple general jokes:

How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
Put sheet music in front of him!

A kid says, "Dad when I grow up I want to be a guitar player."
Dad responds, "Look son, you can't do both."

[Phalex]

Originally Posted by Allen_VA

(when new strings fall out of tune as they often do)
"I put new strings on this morning but didn't realize I had to tune them"

My favorite is to dead pan a bit of confusion, and say into the mic: "Huh..... Well it was in tune when I bought it." It buys you exactly 8 seconds to tune your stuff.

[NKBassman]

We messed up a song once, complete trainwreck about 30 seconds in. Our singer looked at us, looked at the crowd, and just said "OK! Next song!", and off we went.

I'll be damned if half the bar even noticed.

[Richland123]

I use quite a few different ones in addition to mentioning the band, upcoming shows there, ask the crowd if they are having fun, remind the crowd to tip the bartenders and waitresses, thank the frowd for coming to see you, personally thank some of your frequent followers, dedicate the next song to someone, etc.

If someone has to tune up -"Now, we are going to play that famous Chinese folk song - Tun-ing"

"We take requests but we will keep playing anyway"

"We take requests. We won't play the songs but we will just take your request"

"We play both kinds of music - Rock & Roll"

"And, now for something completely different"

"And, now for our heavy metal polka rap set"

[Sizlack]

While a bit longer than what your looking for....

I would ask for donations to the ARSIN foundation. (Aspiring Rock Stars In Need)
"your donation of just 50.00 a day could help us get the drugs, alcohol and prostitutes we need to survives as rockstars in this cruel world."

I have a much longer speil written out in a note book somewhere usually have to chop it down to fit wherever it needs thrown in.

[Deathblade Eric]

"This next number was written by (insert name) in 1956, but we're gonna play it in 4/4"